please come back home - suatu ketika dulu

there was one time, i was in a deep shit, i didn't know where to go and to whom should i speak to. i felt i was all alone, i had no one in this whole world and i thought i would fuck up in any thing i do in my life. i distant myself from most of people i know, including my housemates in which i barely talked to them even though we lived under the same roof. life was sort of bleak and black as if i was out of a glow to light up the darkness i faced.

so, after quite some time i was deadly silent, suddenly an email popped out from my gmail inbox, with its title "i miss you". it was from my big brother, asking me, where had i gone and what happened to me. he sounded worried behind every word he wrote.

and the email was finally enclosed with an attachment of a song by fort minor - where'd you go.

to his surprise, i replied the email, telling that i was in a bad condition and i was afraid if he couldn't process it if we met up. the 'bad condition' was referring to my physical appearance whereby i was diagnosed to have an eating disorder and was prone to anorexia.  at that time, i was like 38-39 kg and i was bony - seriously.  and my emailed was enclosed with this video - 
  

kuatlah, kawan

20 Januari 2015

acik, in yang drive ni...in drive slow...nanti in sampai rumah. in dah otw ni...

sms aku tak berbalas. aku biarkan handphone atas dashboard kereta kancil. agenda hari ni, aku kena settle kan barang-barang customers. lepas tu, boleh la aku fokus kat menatang interview mara. dah empat hari dok pikir pasal mary kay, tiba masa kena get ready untuk interview mara.

"acik...(hulur salam)"

"in datang amek barang ye? ni ke barangnya? (sambil menelunjuk objek atas meja)"

"eh, tak...barang orang lain kott"

"in tahu kan?"

"tahu...kak bieah kata, dalam almari ni"

makcik menghilang. tangan aku terus bukak almari kaca. satu-satu barang aku amek dan masukkan dalam beg plastik pos laju.

"nanti in ingat kan apa yang in amek tu?" soal makcik dari bawah.

"iye, tahu tahu" aku senyum.

"acik...cikgu macam mana?"

"cikgu sihat...cuma dia kena pindah wad"

"blok C tingkat 3 kan?" aku recall balik butir cakap makcik dalam talian sebelum aku sampai tadi.

"haah. dah bagitahu wati?"

"dah cik...em, in lepas ni nak pergi pejabat pos"

***

abah dah meninggal tadi

hah, meninggal? baru kejap tadi aku datang rumah dia. mak kata, abah sihat. seriously, meninggal?

banyak kali aku baca ayat-ayat dia. susah betul otak nak compute. tak mungkin dia buat lawak bangang.

+ juwaidi

- ye saya

+ please check him...dia ok ke tak. kalau aku call, confirm dia tak angkat

- ya, ok

+ thanks

- kejap lagi aku gi rumah dia

+ i know i can count on you

+ kau katne dah? jenazah dah ada kat rumah?

- otw, in. driving.

+ aku nanti datang gak...tapi dengan parents. see u if we hav a chance

- ok in. take care. see u

+ kat rumah dah?

- dah. tadi sampai2 terus baca yassin n doa semua. then lepas doa, jenazah sampai

+ ok...em, dia ok?

- dia ok...biasa lah, sedih

suasana rumah makcik tak sesak mana. mungkin it was a short notice. hari bekerja pulak tu. jadik, tak ramai yang datang. dari jauh, di celah-celah tingkap rumah, aku nampak abang-abang dia kafankan arwah.

solat jenazah.

doa.

abang nidzam, abang raihan, abang najib, ewan...dan dia - berbaju merah, berkopiah.

***

"juwaidi" aku ke tingkap kereta. tercegak juwaidi dengan fad.

"dah habis?"
"dah...lepas ni dorang pergi kubur la kott"

"eh, solat jenazah?"
"dah...tadi, kat rumah"

"laa"

"aku pun pelik apsal kau tak masuk-masuk rumah"

"weh"

dia.

"sher..." 

dia pandang aku.

aku bawak dia jauh sedikit dari juwaidi.

"kenapa tak call in?"

"nanti lah sher cerita..."

"ok...in tunggu"

"in?"
"em?"
"kirim salam umi abah"

dia pergi.

dengan muka tenang, seakan tak ada apa.

he's ruined.

no one could ever replace you, Fir

you'll be always missed

I have a kind of attitude to name my things in order for me to feel humane in them and not to feel lonely. Firdaus was my plant whom I put him at my window when I was in second year of university. He's a type of telling certain people that I was sick although I told the people I was ok. Well, I supposed he reflected me anyway. After staying at Columbia Apartment, I moved to The Volt where I placed Firdaus at the apartment's balcony. Before that, he was in Bonda's care as I went back Malaysia for awhile. Bonda has these green hands which healed Firdaus in no time. I was happy seeing him back into a good shape and at the same time I felt sorry for him too. Bonda said, the plant only needs an extra TLC - tender, love and care. But...easy said than done, eit? 

As expected, Firdaus was back to a terrible state. I bet it's got to do with me - I wasn't in my own self either. 

Finally, the time had come and I had to let go of him. I left Firdaus in the balcony alone, and I flew back to Malaysia. Part of me misses him - always have, always will - until just now, I found this guy at Jusco. He does look the same like Firdaus, except that he's a bit smaller and tinier. I presume he must have been belonged to the same family of Firdaus, so with no doubt, I took him home. 

"Abah, remember this? (while showing him to Abah) I used to have the same one back in Auckland - Firdaus. ingat tak?"
"Yeah (took it away from my hands and pour some water onto him)"
"What are you doing?"
"He needs water. His soil is dry (and placed him under a shade of another plant)"
"Will that be ok (for him)?"
"Of course. Look at that (pointed to another pot of a small plant). He's ok with whichever place I put it"
"Abah...that one already used to this environment. This one (referring to my guy) is new, so --"

"What? Is he from New Zealand?"

"No...what I mean is, he's from an air-cond place that is Jusco"

"Well, tonight's gonna be cold. And that's why I put him under the plant. It's colder down there"

"Ok.."

"I haven't named him yet" I blurt out after a short silence between us.

Abah gave me a weird look.

"I'm thinking of something that has a meaning of strength...Mohd told me it should be a guy, not a girl"

"Bastian (not a real name)?"

''No...Bastian is pembawa berita gembira. Bastian - Farahin...hmmm (sigh)"

"Sorang pembawa berita gembira, sorang lagi yang girang gembira. But..."

I left the sentence cliffhanging. I was about to say - but we didn't work, anyway. Things are not according to the plan.

"Is it my fault? Hasn't I done enough?"

"It's not about whose fault it is..."

"Then? Or am I too weird? Like giving names to my things?"

"It's not that...well, I don't mind about the names but you tell people --"
"What? In dah tak makan pun ubat...I'm ok"

"Iye...abah tahu. I'm just saying that you should have told people you're ok now"

"Of course I am..."

"In, maybe you should see things differently. I mean, see them from the positive side. And not to blame who and who --"

"Tengok. Abah pun nak backup dia?"

"It's not about backing him up. And not pointing out whose fault in this matter. I'm talking about my daughter, ok. Maksud Abah, just take it positive. Who knows, even if you made it through, it won't last? So, what I'm trying to say is--"

"Things happen for reasons?"
"Yes..."
"And what reason behind this?"
"We'll never know...there are things we are not capable of comprehending behind what already happened. God has designed us in such way. We only need to be expecting good things from Him. Ok, if I have a needle and I throw it in a haystack, do you think there's a needle in it?"
"Of course"

"Can you get it for me?"
"That'll be hard"
"But, is it there?"
"Yeah"
"So, it's the same thing with what you face now. Ada hikmah"

Amjad - more glorious.

Yes...perhaps, Amjad.

antara perkara sukar menjadi pelajar luar negara

aku tak pernah menyesal belajar overseas sebab itu lah perkara yang paling aku mahukan sejak kecik lagi. walaupun tanah auckland takde salji, aku kira, tu adalah satu kesyukuran. well, aku pun tak hadap sangat nak main salji. kau ingat seronok ke kalau kiri kanan jalan raya ada benda-benda putih tu? sehari dua, lawa lah. bandar pun nampak suci semacam. tapi tunggu aa tiga pat hari kemudian. salji putih dah dicemarrrr hahaha

masa aku bercuti lima hari empat malam kat queenstown, aku dah tak sabar nak balik tanah auckland pada hari ketiga sebenarnya. entah lah. aku ni bukan jenis tahan suhu sejuk. so, winter is a no-no for me.

as you are already informed, aku amek masa dua tahun untuk buat persediaan akademik sebelum berangkat ke tanah auckland. orang lain buat tiga atau dua semester. paling cepat, satu semester saja. tapi, untuk program aku, budak-budak tesl were stuck for four semesters. so, within that four semesters, some of my friends dah fly dah. cemburu tu, toksah cakap lah. aku tengah struggle dengan A-level, depa pulak dok selfie dengan euro trip lah, winter trip lah, parti sana, parti sini. but then, hujan gerimis di tengahari boleh berlaku dengan kun-fa-ya-kun daripada Tuhan. maknanya, hari tak selalu cerah. banyak cabaran duduk kat perantauan.

dan tahap kecekalan betul-betul teruji, percaya lah.

i learned to become adult when i was in auckland.

God taught me through hardships.

and He still teaches me so, here in malaysia. 

salah satu perkara yang paling aku takut bilamana aku duduk kat perantauan - aku tak dapat pulang ke tanah air kalau-kalau ada kematian orang yang tersayang. dan, sepanjang aku buat persediaan kat malaysia, banyak jugak berita-berita kematian yang kawan-kawan perantauan, terima. 

kematian bapa, kematian datuk, kematian pakcik. you just name it.

aku tahu pun sebab mereka kongsikan kat facebook. dan, melalui rantaian komen-komen serta mulut tempayan rakan-rakan, aku dimaklumkan tentang siri-siri kepayahan mereka yang mahu pulang segera ke tanah air untuk bertemu dengan jasad arwah buat kali terakhir.

kenapa aku katakan siri-siri kepayahan?

sebab the final destination (that is malaysia) seems to be so hard to reach. lepas satu, satu benda berlaku - baru lah kau sampai kat KLIA.

ada jugak yang tak berkesempatan pulang sebab tengah berjuang dengan exams, quizzes, assignments dan macam-macam lagi.

until that one night, the moment i am very scared of, came and hit me with real hard.

tokbak pergi.

malam tu, aku mengongoi nangis dengan sendu yang ditahan-tahan.

aku tak dapat balik malaysia because i was in the middle of winter trip with my two girlfriends. besides, school was about to start again and there would be no point of coming back home. what more, savings aku tak banyak untuk book a ticket since i spent most of it for my winter trip.

sampai sekarang, aku agak terkilan tak dapat nak tengok tokbak for the last time. terkadang, aku menyoal - kenapa tokbak tak tunggu in? bukannya lama. lepas winter, spring and then summer. summer kan in balik malaysia. 

kalau duduk berdua dengan abah atau tokmak, aku suka bicarakan soal tokbak - just to reminisce about him. and when i went too far, soalan-soalan berbaur menidakkan takdir just slipped out. abah tak marah aku pun sebab dia tahu, aku sedang menelan pedih. 

sebaliknya, abah katakan, "mungkin kalau tokbak tunggu in, dia akan lagi sakit"

of course aku tak nak tokbak rasa macam tu. lalu, apa je yang aku mampu buat?

al-fatihah.

tarian atas titisan lakrima

my kind of songs have always been the ones that tell about emotions, betrayal, heart broken, left out, sadness, bleak, darkness. mungkin ITU lah satu-satunya medium yang paling aku boleh relate kan dengan hidup aku. every words in those songs describes what happen to every inch of me.

always have.

always will.

jarang lah aku nak dengar lagu-lagu yang bahagia. kalau dengar sekalipun, itu sebagai nyanyian latar sambilan yang mana aku tak amek port sangat. ianya sekali lalu, dan lenyap dalam bisikan bayu. 

betul. 

terus lenyap lalu aku lupa rasa nya. 

rasa untuk bahagia.

seriously, bahagia?

apa tu weh?

this is a modern fairy tale, no happy endings

i knew this day would come

"In ada best friend?" tanya Kak Ika - kakak yang merangkap ipar sejak tiga minggu lepas.

kobis - potong halus.

lobak - hiris separa tebal.

bunga kobis - potong dadu (kalau boleh)

"sawi ada tak?", aku balaskan dengan soalan lain.

Kak Ika jenguk peti sejuk.

aku ikut dari belakang dan menjingkit.

tak ada.

hmm...takpe lah.

"In takde best friend. takkan pernah ada", aku jawab penuh jujur.

sayur tadi aku rebus.

garam dicubit sikit.

kaki ke sinki balik.

"then, you ada good friend?"

"em..haah...any friend of mine, In declare good friend je. tak kisah la laki ke perempuan"

***

hakikatnya, definisi best friend yang aku ciptakan terlalu perfect untuk diisikan seorang manusia.
ala, aku sendiri bukanlah best friend terhadap diri aku. terlalu banyak yang aku tancapkan selumbar pada jasad dan soul ini hinggakan ke satu tahap - aku ada masalah untuk memaafkan diri.

"you need to forgive yourself, Fara. give a permission to yourself"

"i can't, Val. i just, can't..."

"ok, then...should i give you my permission?"

mata aku direct menusuk wajah Val.

"yes, i'll give you my permission. i'll forgive you"

Val cuba convince aku. aku menarik sedikit garis yang melengkungkan bibir. sekali lagi, Selasa aku berakhir dengan endless questions that keep banging my head. perlahan, kaki aku diseret oleh jiwa yang meribut. seakan keduanya telah dirantai dengan bebola besi gedabak lalu membuat aku seolah-olah berjalan ke hadapan di atas escalator yang menurun.
sukar - itu yang pasti.

setiap hari, bilamana aku menilik parut di lengan, ianya tak lain tak bukan - hanya menaikkan paras sesal dan volume marah aku. setiap kali itu lah, aku memaki diri dan berlanjutan menyalahkan segala apa yang berlaku.

jadik, kalau aku sendiri punya masalah menjadik sahabat pada seorang aku, bagaimana seorang yang lain mampu mengisi kekosongan title best friend itu?

exactly

lelah ditinggalkan ... lagi

tanpa nota, kau pergi.
good riddance, i suppose.