behind the broken smile

photo by: mr. fiance

a letter to whom it may concern

Hi again,

So, I read your email the moment it went through and I was thinking, yeah, I should have made myself a bit busy. And here's my Saturday - 

I was supposed to do an inspection in aspuri this morning but I had to proceed with my part time job. Both were obviously collided at the same time, so, I texted my ketua aras to still do the inspection on behalf of me. I couldn't afford to let go off my part time job this time just because I went back to Melaka last weekend (remember?). Ok. I attended the job - well, it's actually an English tuition (a one-to-one and I charge the kid RM 30 per hour, what do you think?). It went good. The kid seemed to be satisfied for the first round. She told me she learnt a lot from me since before this, she only writes English based on her 9-years-experience in school. She hasn't got a proper education particularly in writing English. I kind of..er..I don't know. Pity on her? But at the same time I'm glad she was happy. The grin on her face clearly showed that she felt all this is going to be worthwhile.

Packing up my stuff in the staff room (the tuition was conducted at my working space) and quickly headed to my car. I started the engine and drove to Baling to do my grocery. It was quite surprising though because the supermarket I went to is having a renovation. I don't know since when it happens - I rarely do grocery, to be honest. I picked anything I wanted - pita bread, carrots, cabbage, lemons, maggie (curry flavour), dark chocolate bar (the small one), peanuts, frozen curry puff, french fries (thin-cut ones, just like the McD's), noodles paste (i'm bad at cooking, so I opt for something easy) and not to forget, I called my mom when I stood right in front of bakery shelves. I asked her which flour should I buy to make onde2/buah melaka. She told me it's glutinous rice flour (ah!). So, I grabbed one as well as palm sugar. Back in Auckland, I couldn't find the usual Malaysian palm sugar (the brownish black). I substituted it with palm sugar imported from China (it's very light brownish). Anyhow, the taste is closed enough to our onde2/buah melaka. Now, the only thing I couldn't find in the supermarket is desiccated coconut. I dashed to a pay counter, handed my debit card and drove back to Pengkalan Hulu.

At that time, it was already 2.30pm. My tummy was grumbling. I hadn't have anything since morning. I parked in front of a mamak stall and ordered a takeaway half-plate nasi kandar. Just then, I noticed there was a wet market next to the mamak stall. So, I went to it to get my coconut. Unlucky me, there wasn't any - "depa dah lama tak hantaq kelapa naakk" . Fine, pakcik. Fine.

Finally. Home.

Took all my grocery items and...surprise surprise. My fridge was broken down. The ice on the top compartment went melting. I was panic (as usual) but I tried to make myself cool. Oh, by the way, I'm home alone. Both my housemates went back to their hometown. They are the locals. So. The fridge. I texted the warden's whatsapp group, to whom should I contact to fix this problem. A KH teacher asked me whether the plug was functioning well or otherwise. Being me, I only studied KH for the theoretical sake, not the practicality. I asked the group again - how should I know that? Other senior wardens started responding - "you soooo cute In" "In..in..you so funny" urgghhhh I was being real and panicky and did not know what to do. How could they possibly find this isn't serious? Long story short, it was actually the adapter that wasn't working, hence shutting down the fridge. Performed the zohor prayer, ate the unappetizing nasi kandar (I will never ever buy it) and drove to a hardware shop in Pengkalan Hulu to get a new one. 

Great. The fridge is back on its feet.

5-ish in the evening.

My girls were ranting lots of stuff on the whatssapp group. One was complaining about her wedding thingy - the dress, the dates, the fiance (HAHAHA), the invitation (and I was thinking - is it this hard to organize a wedding?? oh dear). One was talking about how alone she was at the moment, hence a chocolate moist cake all by herself (what a craze). One was sharing about her course in Lenggong before posting to an MRSM. And me? Well. I just spiced up every little thing they said heeee

6.11pm.

I decided to wash my car. Parked it right in front of the so-called yard. Got the micro fiber towel and car shampoo. I ended it at 6.45pm and since I had few minutes before 7pm, I thought, perhaps I should go to aspuri to check on kids.

Oh yes. I suddenly turned into a grumpy, fierce warden. I took those names who were late to clear the block (hihi!). I bet kids were never expecting I would be there around this hour. 

Alright.

I think I need to pen off now. I have to get ready for my kids' speaking test. Besides, this reply has been a long one. 

Don't you think my Saturday is busy enough?

Thanks for the advice - appreciate it much.

Until then, take care.

I see you in the next letter.

Loves,

In.

Rx - TESL

Currently writing in the staff room while waiting for my class - -

So, hi.

We meet again. I'm still breathing (thank God). I'm still surviving (yes, I am).

I'm actually not that OK - emotionally. Physically - yes, I am. I'm doing good. I took meals these past few days. In fact, I binged eating. But, that's only for a day. The next day, I fasted from dawn till dusk. Anyway, since I know I'm not OK, I contacted Val. I whatsapped her and showed her few of my artworks. She complimented me. I was happy. Drawing is the exact medium to express my emotions. Though I draw sad faces, I manage to draw smiles at the same time. I can't lose hope. Even if the world is shutting down, I have to have a hope to be happy (at least). That's why there is a few smiles in my drawing.

In conjunction of Inktober2016, I try my best to keep up with it. It's literally a challenge for me because I have to juggle my working life as a teacher and my own personal life. Sometimes, I stay awake at night to finish up my drawing. I don't know. Some people might see it absurd - why would you torture yourself, burning the midnight oil just for the sake of inking some white papers? - but the truth is, it's a satisfaction to me. I want to let go of my feelings. I want to let go of the burden I've been shouldering all by myself. Yes, I do feel lonely. It's just enough with being alone for most of the time. Lonely? It's a total disaster. 

So far, I have drawn six doodles based on the themes given by Mr. Parker. I think that's a good achievement. I should have thanked Mr. Parker for creating this Inktober2016 because I'm driven to  improve my drawing skills. Not to forget, I gradually found my signature drawing and yeah, it feels good to finally have one of your own. My drawing habit is also nurtured days by days. My fingers are no longer stiff to run curves on papers. I know I'm way behind with the Inktober2016. October is approaching its end and yet, I only have six doodles. Nonetheless, I'll keep on drawing until I finish all the themes given. 

Oh, by the way. With the themes that Mr. Parker has laid out, I also incorporate them with a sense of loving couple. AND THAT DOUBLE UP THE CHALLENGE!

Here are the doodles I created ; 

theme: Rock
theme: Broken

"we're not broken, just bend. and we can learn to love again"

  

theme: Lost

without you, i'm lost

theme: Jump

i jump over the moon whenever i think about you

theme: Transport

someday, we shall transport together to the world of ours

theme: Worried

we are of two different people - i'm always be the worried one while you're
the worried-less. even so, it is this difference that would make us
complement to each other. i hope you can stand with my insanely never-
ending worries. slap me if you must.

theme: Tree

i'd like to build a family tree with you. would you, too?

lining up my fashion

ok.

i fuck up again. i'm broken for the same, same reason. i hate it. and that broken-hearted-emotion-stuff hits me to the rock bottom that i lose my appetite. i even starve myself because i want to take away the emotional pain. i know and i don't expect anyone of you to understand why the hell i do such hurting acts on my flesh and bones but just know that emotional pain is way, way painfuller than physical pain. i don't mind at all letting my tummy empty for more than 12 hours. i just couldn't get over the fact that i'm being hurt AGAIN.

so.

the obvious impact i get is my weight decreases massively. i haven't looked like a skinny one but people start to notice that my outfits are baggy and loose. even when i wear my kebaya, it doesn't fit me nicely. i now start to wear again my shirts and blouses which i used to wear back when i was in Auckland (i was diagnosed to suffer from eating disorder, hence my body was shrinking). i now eat less which i find it, is okay. what more, my budget is quite restricted now because i'm putting a huge amount to my savings for my future. i am told i'm being extreme - well, i don't care. one thing for sure, i run towards what i truly want. by hook or by crook, that's it.

anyway.

on a side  note, i look quite ok in a few of photos LOL

i don't know why i suddenly have this model-ish feeling hahaha

here are my work and casual outfits.

enjoy!

at times i need to rest my eyes, hence the nerdy look

about to feed my kids with extra knowledge on friday night

being a teacher requires me to be outstation too

and weekends are never that boring if i opt for outing

so loose, so don't care

the indian-malay-cultures combination

the palazzo drapes nicely, accentuating my figure

malam yang menyorot

aku tahu, kertas putih bawangmerahsquared masih lagi bernadi. segar, aliran darah pena masih wujud. aku memilih untuk menulis di sini. sekali lagi. walau aku tahu, tak kan ada lagi dah mata-mata yang padu menilik penulisan aku.

pagi tu, aku telefon umi. pesan seorang family member - "call lah umi nanti. ucapkan terima kasih". iye lah. aku turutkan saja. malas nak bertelegah sebenarnya. malas nak menerangkan masalah yang pernah ada antara aku dengan umi. aku turutkan saja. berat jugak hati aku nak telefon umi. entah lah. kadang-kadang terpikir - anak jenis apa aku ni. berdendam tak sudah. sampai sekarang, hati rasa resah. cibai betul.

bila didail nombor, aku tak mengharapkan umi akan angkat. serius. sebab saat tu, banyak benda lintas dalam benak aku. ayat-ayat yang ada, aku sengaja ciptakan untuk bersedia menahan awkwardness antara aku dengan umi. apakan daya, panggilan bersambut. aku kaget. "umi, abah tak kerja?" - soalan aku yang pertama. selalu sangat aku buat gitu. menanya perihal lain untuk lari sekejap cuma. "abah baru je keluar pergi kerja" - umi jawab. "kenapa ni?" - umi soal pulak. "takde apa. umi sihat?" - aku mula pasangkan topeng pertahanan. "ok la. sihat macam tu" - dia jawab. "harini birthday in" - terus aku pergi ke titik borak utama. "in terlupa sebenarnya. tapi bila dok kat sekolah ni, budak-budak asek ingatkan in" - aku sambungkan titik-titik yang aku rangka tadi. "ha...ye lah. umi baru nak send whatsapp. awak dah call. umi ingat je. awak tu ha" - umi berbalas. aku senyum sumbing. "dah 26 dah anak umi ni. awak tak nak kawin ke?" - umi serang. aku rebah.

mati.

keamanan

before i proceed to today's topic, i'd like to show you how drastically i was in keeping my blog for the past two years. i just realize that the number has dropped significantly, showing that i was in a real deep shit from 2012 to 2014. take a look on it.

from 105 to 45, to 29 - which wows me in awe
(click for a larger view)

anyway, that's just an interlude before we go to our serious business. takde lah serius mana but what i'm about to talk about is something we, as a human being, experience in our life - relationship. and this time, i'm totally being open and i'll talk about relationship between males and females.

AWKKKWARRRDDDDD 

yup, that's right. o wait, disebabkan aku taknak lah sound funny blabbering about this topic (because i am no way close to the title a relationship expert), i might as well talk in english - feel less awkward gitu hahaha

so, i was watching this video produced by an Asian vlogger and after one video to another video, it so happened i already watched 63 videos of hers in a day! from there, i just knew she broke up with her boyfriend who is also a vlogger/actor/tv host, after two years of dating. fun thing about her, in this one particular video, she was live performing a song she wrote about a cat in which the lyric was really symbolic and metaphor-ed on her current situation. she got her ex on the same stage and the three of them (her singing partner, the boyfriend and herself) seemed to enjoy the sing occasion.

i like this girl because she played it cool, though i know it must be hard for her. what more the boyfriend once said - hey we can be friends. 

i myself underwent several failures in relationship and if i were to count all of them, it should be four times. yup, four times babe. the first relationship was not even a relationship because i was rejected by the guy. the second one, i rejected my ex because i couldn't have a feeling on him, plus, he was a bit pushy (sorry!). the third relationship was complicated and long story cut into short, he got married with someone else. the last one - i was left by the guy without any further notice/signal/clue/warning. kiranya, gantung tak bertali lah. and the worst part is, i was attacked (i considered it as an attack) by his current girlfriend (what the fuck). so, upon the attack, i told myself - o, that's completely over between you and me.

i never feel proud with these episodes going on in my life because they leave me with scars, pain, agony and the feel of "you're a loser". but, the truth is, they are part of the reasons of making me to become who i am now. i learn a lot - REAL a lot and one of the lessons learned is that, i need to forgive and to forget. oh yeah, the latter one, of course, i can't do it in a go, seriously. it takes awhile to move on, ergo, i have to allow myself giving the me as much time as i need so that i'll be ok again and healed. 

this so-called meditation (which is to forgive and forget) leads me to make a peace with those exes. you heard me, gal - make a peace yaww.

well, some people don't get it - how the hell i am, to be totally ok in keeping in touch with these guys who once broke my heart. the rule is simple - reconcile with the person, telling him that this relationship is not gonna work and we both need to be apart, provided it has to be in a good term. it's like you're saying "i'm out of here and you should too. but keep in mind, this is for the best for both of us. i'm happy with this decision. you're happy with this decision. and we can always come back and be together as FRIENDS).
i make a peace with all of them except the last one (maybe some time in the near future we will catch up and reconcile, who knows right?). i made a point that i am still his friend that perhaps we can go for a coffee or talk on phone or hang out for a movie or what ever. BUT. it has to be on a different level of relationship - no more lovey dovey stuff. it has to be as clean as it is because i'm not gonna go back to the shit we both once did. lucky me, the exes got the message and that's why i still can bid them birthday wishes, say hello via whatsapp, crack some jokes on phone and sometimes, go back to the past and laugh to the silliness of us two. 

to me, THAT'S the beauty of making a peace with your ex(es).

so, my point is, no doubt it's difficult to get over with your break up, thus, take as much time as you want as long as you get back on your feet and work your fucking asshole. after all, life goes on and you need to keep on moving. don't limit yourself and don't get cemented by your past. just believe that maybe, someday, you might bump into that one significant other of yours at the right time and at the right place. from there, you still can create your own fairy tale and IF it's meant to be not working again, it's ok. pat your shoulder and say "at least you've tried".

also, if you could, please make a peace with the person you used to love, adore and care. there's nothing wrong to put up a white flag together and be friends again. 

don't you think so?

p/s : as i said earlier, i'm not a relationship expert. this is just my opinion based on my true experiences.

harap maklum.

merelakan

31 Januari 2015

usai selesai merewang, aku melayan handphone. tak ada apa yang menarik sebenarnya, tapi sebab sekarang aku tak nak rasa bosan, aku layankan je lah. makcik dah siap masak. kak rabieah dah siap cuci tandas. yang lain-lain ada kat depan. suha and the gang tak letih bermain. rumah makcik riuh kali ni sebab semua dah mula berkumpul. anak-anak makcik dah pulang akhirnya. yang ipar-duai pun ada sekali. 

"nak balik in?" 

dia grab kunci kereta atas kabinet. aku tengok jam tangan - 5.30 petang.

"tak kott...stay je lah. ke sher nak pergi mana?"

"sher nak pergi bank, masuk duit. kalau nak stay, takpe lah"

"eh jap. in tanya kak bieah, ada kerja lagi ke tak"

"dah takde kerja dah, in. awak nak stay boleh, nak balik pun boleh. lepas maghrib awak datang kan?"

"datang..."

"ha, datang dengan mak tau" kak bieah hulur tangan.

"ok kak. kalau takde apa, in balik dulu lah"

"ok dik. thank you tau"

tangan bersalam.

sekali dengan makcik yang ada kat ruang tamu, aku cium tangan makcik yang menua. makcik sempat pesan, datang dengan parents untuk majlis malam ni. aku mengangguk, senyum dan pergi.

"sher! tunggu in"

dan masa tu jugak, suha and the gang datang menceceh. 

suha, naim, syikin, aisyah - anak-anak sedara dia, atau, cucu-cucu makcik.

"suha nak ikut ke?" aku tanya ringkas.

"tak payah. suha duduk rumah je" dia dah lebih men-dulu-kan jawapan.

suha mencebik.

aku alihkan pandangan dari suha ke dia.

garang sangat busu suha ni.

***

"bila balik sana?" aku robohkan sunyi dalam kereta.

cuti dia kali ni tak lama. lebih kurang dua bulan. itupun dia mintak extend dari profesor sebab arwah pergi dengan tiba-tiba. agak terkejut. semuanya cepat sangat. aku sendiri tak tersangka. susah nak digest with everything. arwah - orangnya sihat. cuma, ye lah, kaki dah tak kuat. jalan pun bertongkat. arwah pernah cakap pada aku - "pakcik tak nak susahkan sesiapa" dan permintaan arwah termakbul. arwah meninggal tanpa siapa-siapa dengan dia. 

serangan jantung.

"enambelas haribulan ni" dia jawab ringkas.

korea dengan malaysia.

tak jauh, tapi, masih lagi dua tempat berbeza.

"ok..." aku buang pandangan ke luar tingkap kereta. 

tak dapat nak menahan rasa sedih. tak sanggup tunjukkan raut mata yang sayu. goodbyes are always hard for me. always have, always will. aku membatu, ter-hilang kata untuk respon yang seterusnya. sebab tika ini, aku berkira-kira mencari jalan menenangkan resah aku sendiri. i tried to hold on to the pieces of strength i have in this soul. 

"hei..." dia menyiku aku.

"em..." dan aku menunduk, masih lagi benyek.

"kena balik jugak ke?" aku menyoal dia.

petang tu, dia hantarkan aku dengan walang yang membalut kemas hati aku yang sedia merapuh. penat membaikpulih serpih-serpih yang ada dengan saki baki kudrat yang tak seberapa. sekali lagi, hancur ia dibuat manusia bernama laki. tapi kali ni, kecainya aku telah disandarkan dengan alasan - kami berdua punya benda untuk dikejar. komitmen hubungan boleh ditolak tepi asalkan we both have faith in each other. 

ada benda lain lagi penting dari tentang aku dan dia.

seriously, bahagia?

apa tu weh?

please come back home - suatu ketika dulu

there was one time, i was in a deep shit, i didn't know where to go and to whom should i speak to. i felt i was all alone, i had no one in this whole world and i thought i would fuck up in any thing i do in my life. i distant myself from most of people i know, including my housemates in which i barely talked to them even though we lived under the same roof. life was sort of bleak and black as if i was out of a glow to light up the darkness i faced.

so, after quite some time i was deadly silent, suddenly an email popped out from my gmail inbox, with its title "i miss you". it was from my big brother, asking me, where had i gone and what happened to me. he sounded worried behind every word he wrote.

and the email was finally enclosed with an attachment of a song by fort minor - where'd you go.

to his surprise, i replied the email, telling that i was in a bad condition and i was afraid if he couldn't process it if we met up. the 'bad condition' was referring to my physical appearance whereby i was diagnosed to have an eating disorder and was prone to anorexia.  at that time, i was like 38-39 kg and i was bony - seriously.  and my emailed was enclosed with this video - 
  

no one could ever replace you, Fir

you'll be always missed

I have a kind of attitude to name my things in order for me to feel humane in them and not to feel lonely. Firdaus was my plant whom I put him at my window when I was in second year of university. He's a type of telling certain people that I was sick although I told the people I was ok. Well, I supposed he reflected me anyway. After staying at Columbia Apartment, I moved to The Volt where I placed Firdaus at the apartment's balcony. Before that, he was in Bonda's care as I went back Malaysia for awhile. Bonda has these green hands which healed Firdaus in no time. I was happy seeing him back into a good shape and at the same time I felt sorry for him too. Bonda said, the plant only needs an extra TLC - tender, love and care. But...easy said than done, eit? 

As expected, Firdaus was back to a terrible state. I bet it's got to do with me - I wasn't in my own self either. 

Finally, the time had come and I had to let go of him. I left Firdaus in the balcony alone, and I flew back to Malaysia. Part of me misses him - always have, always will - until just now, I found this guy at Jusco. He does look the same like Firdaus, except that he's a bit smaller and tinier. I presume he must have been belonged to the same family of Firdaus, so with no doubt, I took him home. 

"Abah, remember this? (while showing him to Abah) I used to have the same one back in Auckland - Firdaus. ingat tak?"
"Yeah (took it away from my hands and pour some water onto him)"
"What are you doing?"
"He needs water. His soil is dry (and placed him under a shade of another plant)"
"Will that be ok (for him)?"
"Of course. Look at that (pointed to another pot of a small plant). He's ok with whichever place I put it"
"Abah...that one already used to this environment. This one (referring to my guy) is new, so --"

"What? Is he from New Zealand?"

"No...what I mean is, he's from an air-cond place that is Jusco"

"Well, tonight's gonna be cold. And that's why I put him under the plant. It's colder down there"

"Ok.."

"I haven't named him yet" I blurt out after a short silence between us.

Abah gave me a weird look.

"I'm thinking of something that has a meaning of strength...Mohd told me it should be a guy, not a girl"

"Bastian (not a real name)?"

''No...Bastian is pembawa berita gembira. Bastian - Farahin...hmmm (sigh)"

"Sorang pembawa berita gembira, sorang lagi yang girang gembira. But..."

I left the sentence cliffhanging. I was about to say - but we didn't work, anyway. Things are not according to the plan.

"Is it my fault? Hasn't I done enough?"

"It's not about whose fault it is..."

"Then? Or am I too weird? Like giving names to my things?"

"It's not that...well, I don't mind about the names but you tell people --"
"What? In dah tak makan pun ubat...I'm ok"

"Iye...abah tahu. I'm just saying that you should have told people you're ok now"

"Of course I am..."

"In, maybe you should see things differently. I mean, see them from the positive side. And not to blame who and who --"

"Tengok. Abah pun nak backup dia?"

"It's not about backing him up. And not pointing out whose fault in this matter. I'm talking about my daughter, ok. Maksud Abah, just take it positive. Who knows, even if you made it through, it won't last? So, what I'm trying to say is--"

"Things happen for reasons?"
"Yes..."
"And what reason behind this?"
"We'll never know...there are things we are not capable of comprehending behind what already happened. God has designed us in such way. We only need to be expecting good things from Him. Ok, if I have a needle and I throw it in a haystack, do you think there's a needle in it?"
"Of course"

"Can you get it for me?"
"That'll be hard"
"But, is it there?"
"Yeah"
"So, it's the same thing with what you face now. Ada hikmah"

Amjad - more glorious.

Yes...perhaps, Amjad.

generasi 11 #6

wear our shoes, then you'll know how it feels

it's been awhile i didn't write anything related to tesl course, eit? oh well, my life is a bit jumpy lately and everyday, i have things to look forward to.

i know, some of you might have read my updates from other social networking sources and some might not have any clues what's going on to me. well, i'll save the story in the next post (if God permits), so stay tune, people.

anyway.

today i don't have any specific topic (regarding tesl) to be discussed with. after all, i didn't get any emails anymore from strangers, asking about tesl. i bet, my blog has pretty heaps of information? i don't know. i hope those links on the right side (referring to tesl : generasi #1, #2, #3, #4 and #5) have helped people in so many ways.

it's just that i would like to highlight what the photo up there has said.

seriously - ayat last tu memang betul-betul WIN.

yang merangkumkan hidup aku sehingga dipertemukan Doreen, Irene dan Val

dan di benak ini, berkali-kali layar pendarahan diputar - aku seorang pembunuh.

jijik sungguh gaya kau memperlekehkan seorang aku. pada mata kau, aku mungkin seorang budak berketinggian empat kaki sembilan inci, berbaju t-shirt dan ber-seluar jeans, ber-sneakers dan memasang headphone yang tak lekang dari telinga, memakai beg sandang dan kelihatan seperti pelajar hingusan tingkatan empat. iya, aku memang tampak JAUH lebih muda daripada usia sebenar aku. tapi tak bermakna aku berfikiran singkat. berkali sudah aku diajar Sheryll - you are an adult, act like an adult. bukan setakat Sheryll, my medical team seperti Val dan Dr. Doreen jugak tak putus-putus mengingatkan aku bahawasanya aku seorang dewasa. maka, untuk aku berkelakuan dewasa, aku dididik dan dilayan sedewasanya.

bukan seperti kau.

sungguh, kau ironi. bercanang dengan pekikan kau yang mahukan generasi kini bersifat matang tapi kau sendiri - iya, KAU SENDIRI, langsung tak menganggap aku seperti seorang dewasa. kau tolol. kau cetek. kau adalah tin kosong semata. hormat aku pada kau sudah lama melesap. se-lama aku perhatikan penjagaan waktu kau.

pernah kau membaca suara Tuhan ;

wal asr. innal insana lafi khusr. illalladhiina amanu wa aamilus swalihati watawa sawbil haqqi, watawa sawbis sabr.

by time, indeed, mankind is in loss, except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.

hormat aku pada manusia, mudah. sebagaimana dia menjaga waktu dia dan waktu para hamba Tuhan, sebagaimana itu lah aku akan menjaga hormat aku terhadap dia.

tapi, dah kalau kau buat aku menunggu kau selama satu  jam, mendengar syarahan kau yang tah pape dan menyaksi pemanipulasian fakta-fakta oleh lidah cabang kau yang durjana, kau fikir aku mahu menghormati kau lagi? 

celaka lah kau di dunia.

takkan aku tunduk pada kuasa kau.

sebab kau bukan Tuhan.

dan aku bukan hamba duit kau.

ok?

mudah untuk kau bicara

bagaimana untuk aku mulakan?

ok, hari 'istimewa' aku telah disumpah dengan amukan aku sendiri. di dalam bilik. ketika aku keseorangan. 

begini --

aku membuat panggilan jauh pagi tu. dan seiring dengan not-not dial, aku menggantungkan harapan berbaur kebahagiaan. empat kali aku menekan nombor yang sama. langsung tak diangkat, hinggalah aku menerima pesanan ringkas tidak lama kemudian. aku balaskan pesanan tersebut dengan panggilan jauh sekali lagi. 

bersahut.

aku tarik segaris senyuman.

tapi, siapa sangka, panggilan yang tak lebih daripada sepuluh minit itu disusuli dengan tangis raung aku. bermula dengan deraian air mata, perlahan, ia menjadi esakan yang menderaskan titis-titis lalu membasahkan setiap raut kertas kulit kitab.

my heart started to ache.

petanda serangan bakal mengambil alih sekejap lagi kalau-kalau aku tak mampu mengawal fasa pertama. mata terus menganak anak sungai kecil pada setiap bebolanya dan elok ia menyusur jatuh permukaan epidermis. entah kenapa, suara Val tiba-tiba diputarkan akal. 

buku.

bibir menyebut. dan sekelip, aku praktiskan teknik kawalan diri yang terlintas.

tapi,

aku terlupa satu perkata penting.

fasa pertama - nafas.

aturan nafas yang berkecamuk, kalau tak dicermat, pasti menggagalkan apa-apa di hadapan.

jelas, benar.

tahu-tahu saja, buku aku dihempas ke dinding bilik. fail dicampak ganas. kertas dirakus koyak. kotak ditendang kasar. lampu bergoyang, langsung, hampir terjatuh. dan pena yang digenggam, dihentak matanya. 

berselerakan.

sepertinya,

tak terbendung sakit di dada.

tak tertahan sakit di hati.

bagaikan dihenyak, dipijak, disentak, diragut, direjam.

haih.

selamat hari lahir, wahai aku.

pertempuran akal dan emosi sememangnya hellish disaster.

kan?

when a person asked me,  what do i want on my birthday,
i simply answered -
"happiness"

***

mudah untuk manusia-manusia sekeliling mengajar aku tentang perkara-perkara yang digemar si Raqib. nasihat-nasihat yang mengalir deras dari bibir itu, seolah-olah sangat gampang dilaksana.

"kau kena faham"

"kau kena belajar terima"

"kau kena bersangka baik"

"kau kena pikir dulu"

sungguh - senang untuk kau panculkan dogma-dogma kau. dan lidah itu, bertulangkan kata-kata malaikat, hanyalah instrumen kecil untuk kau mengangkat darjat agar tampak jauh lebih molek daripada aku.

ya kan?

ah, aku sedar, betapa i AM a damaged person. tapi, untuk sesaat cuma, aku mohon kau susurlah celahan rongga-rongga sepatu aku. 

dan rasakan apa yang aku tarungkan sehari-hari. 

HARAPAN.

terlalu tolol untuk kau fahamkan mekanisme pertarungan jiwa dan jasad seorang aku. sebab, bagi aku, only the cutters know what the cutters feel. and you can never beat my words, unless you are part of us.

takpe lah.

akan tiba, satu saat nanti, andai direzekikan kau untuk merasa apa yang aku deskripsikan di sini, aku harap kau menyesal dengan ideologi yang cuba kau suntikkan ke dalam salur darah seorang cutter.

hello, stranger

kalau lah awak ada depan mata saya sekarang ni, ada seribu satu kata saya nak bagitahu awak. saya nak awak tahu perasaan saya yang ditahan-tahan selama ni. marah, geram, benci, sayu, rindu, pedih - semua. semuanya saya nak bagitahu awak. dan kalau rasa ini diterjemahkan dalam kepala imginasi saya, betapa unbeliavable untuk awak ketahuinya. ye lah, saya membayangkan awak -- saya hamparkan dikayu pacak seperti Jesus disalibkan umatnya. kemudian, perkara pertama sekali saya buat ialah mencabut setiap satu kuku jari tangan awak dengan playar muncung tirus. SATU. SATU. mesti awak menjerit sakit, bukan? saya pulak akan mengekeh ketawa dan terus mencabut lagi. kali ni, saya beralih ke kuku jari kaki awak. kalau ketika itu awak berterusan menjerit, mungkin saja saya tampar bibir awak sampai darah tersembur keluar. iya, saya sesah pipi awak hinggakan gigi awak bersepai dan membiarkan darah segar meleleh dari gusi itu. lepas tu, saya akan tarik rambut awak sampai kepala awak terngadah ke langit.

kalau lah awak ada depan mata saya sekarang ni.

tapi awak tak ada. dan kita sudah menjadik strangers. patut, saya salahkan siapa atas hal kita berdua? 

saya? awak? jarak kita? kesibukan kita? hidup rantau saya? hidup kerja awak? 

apa?

terkadang saya memikirkan apa salah saya hinggakan kita berantakan sedikit demi sedikit. 

saya gemuk? saya semi-vegetarian? saya kidal? saya pakai outfit pumpkin patch bersaiz budak sebelas tahun? saya punya masalah jiwa? saya ada ketagihan?

apa?

awak tak tahu betapa saya teringin menggoncangkan kedua bahu awak dan terus-menerus menanya semua soalan ini supaya jawapan awak itu (mungkin) dapat melegakan saya.

well, you  might blurt out the answers which i claim them to be merely excuses. they're never reasons.

never be.

it's funny, you know. as a quote once wrote "we all start as strangers, but we often forget that we choose who ends up a stranger too".

saya tak benci pun awak. kenapa pulak nak membenci. kita kan bermula sebagai strangers yang tak punya rasa apa-apa. i never hate you, seriously. cuma, saya marah dengan keadaan kita sekarang ni. you came into my life. i stupidly let you in. you learned my darkest little secrets (well, i thought it would no harm to do so and now i'm damn regretting). we created our sweet memories. and...yeah.

you promised me a lot of things, dearest stranger. but you never keep them. you should know that "promises mean everything, but after they are broken, sorry means nothing". ah, betapa saya terlalu bangang mempercayakan setiap kata awak ketika itu. 

tapi, sekarang -

[ tarik nafas ]

saya tak akan ucapkan harapan klise berbaur "saya harap awak menjumpai kebahagian awak"

ptuih.

awak pikir saya gadis innocent-hati-suci ke?

bagi saya, adalah lebih baik awak lenyap dari muka bumi - dilanggar mati oleh fire truck seems to be a great idea. bukan apa, saya tak mahu gadis lain dipertemukan awak dan kemudian, a repetition of a heartbroken happens again.

malas la weh.

yes, you can break my heart. 

it's ok.

but it won't be ok if you break others.

semoga awak mati kena langgar, stranger.

bicara bayu

"duit yang ada kena simpan..."

"untuk tunang kan?"

"haah...untuk tunang nanti"

"dah ada calon?"

"belum"

"hmm..."

"kawan saya aritu, baru je putus tunang"

"takyah tunang lah"

"dah tu?"

"kawin je terus"

"jom"

"jom apa?"

"kawin"

"ha?"

"kita kawin"

dan bayu membawa lesap bicara itu.

langsung, tergantung.

janji?

+ kitorang sekarang dah masuk psychiatry

- psychiatry? o, yang deal dengan budak kan

+ apa pul-

- eh. tu, pediatrics
- silap silap. psychiatry, mental?

+ ha, mental

- aaa...ye lah, yang deal dengan mental illness

+ psychiatry ni luas-

- nanti, kiranya, nua belajar sekali dengan ubat yang treat mental ke?

+ haah. belajar

- nua, promise me something

+ promise?

- haah. janji dengan in, you will study psychiatry betul-betul and skor

+ [ kerut dahi ]

- janji dengan in...
- [ pause ]
- caya lah...bila nua dah habis study tu, you can help someone. 
- someone that is close to you
- janji?

okay

11.45 am

+ nua, kawan in from welly datang and ajak lunch
+ don't think boleh skype nanti

- haha
- okay
- please don't think

+ kalau tak think, it should be what then ?
+ haaaa

- stop thinking
- start talking

+ HAHAHAHA
+ nua ni, apa lah
+ nua

[ hantar foto ]

+ baju ni, ok kan ?

***

i assume you guys can know his
response towards my question above

boyss.

saja nak berlagak

dengan webcam c-170 logitech. 
boleh tahan lawa kualiti gambar dia.
boleh laaaaaaaa

sekarang, dah makin rancak sesi ber-skype.
amboi.

tak sedar

nak follow boleh. tak nak follow pun takpe.
bukan gua private kan pun.

dalam pada rakan-rakan seperjuangan gua tengah ber-mating dan breeding, gua masih lagi di takuk lama rupanya. tak sangka dah masuk tahun 2014. bermakna, gua dah 24 tahun woi. 

tapi, apsal gua fefeeling 18 lagi ni?

dasar manusia tak sedar diri.

ptuih.

cuti musim panas : oh hai semua

hello kembali daripada aku.

akhirnya, semester dua tahun ketiga sudah betul-betul melabuhkan tirainya. dan aku meraikannya dengan melantak gourmet pizza sebanyak-banyaknya dengan si yasmin, hadi dan nadzirah. lu takkan percaya punya yang gua mampu makan (lebih kurang) medium size pizza.

powerrr hokkaayyy

keraian sebegitu, dah kira sekali harung lah untuk sarapan, minum pagi, makan tengahari, minum petang, makan malam dan minum lewat malam. yeah, enam dalam satu giteww

ok.

enough.

*letup-letupkan jari*

SO.

mengikut perkiraan mudah dari arkib blogspot aku ni, rupanya ada dua bulan aku tak menulis - julai dan ogos. 

pergh.

dalam dua bulan tu, gua cakap dengan lu, macam-macam benda dah jadik kat gua. even benda yang tak tercapai akalmu bak kata elyana-penyanyi-lagu-tapak-sulaiman, pun ada terjadik. tapi, apa-apa pun, IT'S GOOD those things dah blah jauh walaupun literally meninggalkan kesan kat jasad aku.

ANYWAY.

cuti musim panas dah bermula secara rasminya. tak payah nak yay sangat lah sebab gua panas betul bila musim ni datang. sebab apa? sebab cuti musim panas adalah cuti yang bapak-panjang-gila-bosan-nak-mati-weyyhhh

ye aa, dari bulan november sampai bulan mac. mahu tak kejung kepala otak?

MAKA.

agar aku tak mengkufurkan nikmat dunia ni, aku nak susun beberapa strategi so that masa yang ada ni, takde lah terbuang giteww

kalau encik anwar noor azam tahu yang aku dok bebel bosan-bosan-bosan, memang berbakul-bakul la dia dok perli aku nanti. 

OK.

antara rancangan yang aku lakarkan dalam kepala otak - aku nak update kisah hidup aku kat sini. well, just so you know, i already deactivated my facebook account. skype dengan twitter - gua pun dah malas nak amek port. yang paling in dengan aku sekarang, my instragram account. so, you follow i ok? #tetiba.

lepas ni, marilah kita jangkakan keledakan entri di kertas putih bawangmerahsquared ni. jangan hang bosan membaca sudaaahhhh