Frictions

My marriage is turning its fourth year and there are many ups and downs which -- I would say, are very normal to happen to any married couples. I don't intend to focus on ups in this entry, but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate them. Our ups are always...like a firework to me. I am thrown to clouds to feel the sweetest happiness created by my husband. He is my Cooper Connelly - the perfect one, the only one. 

When I was a teenager, I always wondered what kind of a guy I would marry to. Will he complete me? Will he fill in this deepest hollow of a broken heart? Will he lift me up whenever I'm dropped dead to the ground? All these questions are finally answered soon when I tied my knot to Shamel. I couldn't believe I would have a great life - a handsome husband, a lovely son. And yes, I am fucking lucky - just like Billie Mann.

But the downs are sickeningly miserable. People may find that three days of no talking to your loved one is bearable. Yet, that's never the case for me. At all. Our downs aren't exactly like Billie and Cooper, nor Billie and Brad. I classify them as "the cold war". It is icy cold. No laughing. No talking. No gossiping. No whining. Just - - a perfect silence.

We started couple counseling and it's still ongoing. We want to find some common grounds/rules whenever bombs are landed either by me or him. Till now, the only homework we did is to get to know each other -- which was done half way through. Another homework, sadly to say, it hasn't even begun. It's not that we are not committed to it. But, I just don't know if it's necessary or going to work on me per say.

.

I miss my doses couple of days. Shamel knows about that and all he can tell me is not to miss it anymore. But, oh well, shits happen and I can just easily go off the track. I am not being myself. I am tired. I am exhausted.

Really. exhausted.

Review tentang Sohigh Enterprise Ipoh

I had the worst experience ever in regards of craftmanship with this company. It started when we decided to have Sohigh to make an indoor wooden divider, knowing that they are good in carpentry. 

Last year in September, we made a deal with them - RM2500 for the divider that we dream of. They are ok with the budget. The person in charge started the project at our home. We can't comprehend why would Sohigh had to cut and process all the woods at our place, causing the living room area covered with dust. My father had to sweep and mop every time they finished their work by the end of the days (though they cleaned it up but it was still super dusty). I thought that the end product was already disastrous enough yet I am so so wrong. The communication with this company is DAMN TERRIBLY DIFFICULT. We expressed our dissatisfaction about the divider they built via whatsapp and phone calls and they kept giving excuses, reluctantly to come over and see the workmanship (I attach all the details of their work so that you'll be more careful with this company).

At this point, we just wanted them to see with their own eyes how massively UGLY their product is. And not only that, they also had caused damaged to our wall paint and our NEW aluminium cabinet sink. I was EXTREMELY disappointed by the-so-called work ethics of this company. We did a background check out on them, way before this entire drama happened. Knowing that they are capable to pull out some MEGA projects in Janda Baik, Batu Kurau, Ipoh City Council and Gunung Lang Recreational Park, it made us to have faith in them to build JUST THIS SMALL PIECE OF project of our little hut. Nevertheless, it was such a CATASTROPHE. Over 6 months, they made no effort to fix it. We were the ones who initiated and insisted them to meet face to face and find a common ground. Finally, Sohigh came (well, I believe the person who came to our place is the Sohigh owner but he refused to introduce his name and just regards himself as Sohigh).

In the previous phone call conversation, we set the appointment to be on 17th April 2021 at 10am. We waited and waited but no one came. I had to text Sohigh and they simply said "Bos dtg pukul 3" - that message was sent without even saying sorry! I was devastated by this impoliteness. By 3pm, they arrived but they left soon as I started to argue about their workmanship. Sohigh (the owner) even denied the fact that they actually used RECYCLED TIMBER for the divider and said it was cengal. I then compared with the other wooden workmanship and he kept telling "saya halalkan saya halalkan". I was like - what the hell is this? You deceive us by using RECYCLED TIMBER instead of BALAU which we have agreed. And now you are acting as if we owe you??? Who's the victim here? I attach here the confession of the person in charge who happened to be fired by Sohigh not long after this project of ours. I myself am not highly intellectual in carpentry but at a glance, I can distinguish which workmanship is outstanding or beyond awful.

To conclude, I must say that Sohigh doesn't want to take a responsibility to fix what they have built even though they have been given a chance to do so. 

To Sohigh, good luck in your future endeavor. We don't owe you anything because you're the one who SCAMMED AND TOOK OUR MONEY.

To people out there, may this sharing of unlucky experience keep you away from this company :)

Note: You may find out the Google review of the company is 4.3 now. Believe me, it was 4.1 and as we gave our honest reviews, the rating was pulled down to 3.6. Few hours later, there were so many new reviews appeared on the page. I bet the owner menagih2 review from their old customers after texting me this whatsapp;

And I rest my case.

the unpaid-priceless work

Some of you might be curious of what I currently am doing right now. I actually went to an art training in which I learned the very basic components and theories of art. The first session introduced me what is art and what really matters (the teacher, Mr Brian said, nothing really matters in art! LOL and there's no right or wrong 😄). Then, the next three sessions required me to demonstrate the knowledge I gained, hence the display boards I shared here.
My theme is underwater and the key component in my work is the element of 3D and texture.
I was informed that the students of the classroom are sooooo eager to touch everything I put up on the board (and that's a good sign ! - said Mr Brian).
It's still a long way process and I'm grateful I can channel my artistic side by doing this unpaid-priceless job 😊
I also am thankful that I get a full support from my husband. He lets my imagination runs wild on the papers I sketch. He also spends some time to discuss with me about colours, materials and ideas related to this course.
If you have no ideas on how to decorate your classroom, feel free to scoop whatever I've presented here!

lose it!

My next psychotherapy is going to be on 21st August 2017 (Monday) and having said that, I'm going to be MCed by my therapist, Dr. Aishah.

I don't know what to expect from her. But, one thing for sure, I know I'm not ok. Why?

Because I'm having this idea of killing myself in my head, over and over again. I'd like to do an experiment - living without food. Or, we call it 'starvation'. So far, the experiment is a bit failure. I still consume food, but not in my usual amount. I restrict myself extremely so that I can feel the pain of hunger. I read about how starvation works on killing a person (read here). It's brilliant, I would say.

Anyway,

My previous weigh was 46kg (it was during Eid celebration). And now my weight drops to 43.7kg. It's an achievement, don't you think?

I'm gonna hit until 40kg and if I could reach it, it won't be impossible to stretch further till 35kg.

They say human can survive for two weeks without food. But s/he can't survive after three days without water. In relation to that, I also limit myself from drinking water. At first, it was quite miserable to only drink once or twice per day. But, as my body starts to get used to the new 'routine' I think I'm ok. I still can walk, run, teach, talk and laugh with people in my surrounding. I still can move my ass off from the bed and perform my pointless daily life. 

I STILL AM HERE.

I know this suicidal act is a slow process. But I'm getting there, eventually.

Someday, somehow, I really hope that on one fine day, I won't wake up from my bed anymore.

inspired by mr. bennington

my school is sucks. and i hate it so much.

if ever people say "hey, have a nice day", you tell me - how am i supposed to get that nice day if i'm currently living in a hell?

i still can't believe i'm breathing here, in this deep shit hole. until now, i still ask him, when is he going to kill me. and his answer is always "when we are together". oh, come on. that won't happen. i know that for sure. his idea is that - we get together and if he can't stand with my BPD illness, he's going to take away my life and then, he'll kill himself. the end.

i can't do the suicidal act anymore 'cause i don't own my stash. all my pills were taken by my housemate.

cutting?

it's not even on the list 'cause i don't own any blades either. all i have with me is my rubber band. rubber band is ok - that's what is given by my auckland medical team members. but knife, or blade, or razor is totally a no-no.

i'm fine with the rubber band. in fact, i feel satisfied whenever i pull it so hard that it hurts my skin. good thing, it gives me more or less the same pain when i did cutting. except, now, there's no blood scattering around the floor.

alright.

so, i don't have the stash.

i don't have the sharp tools.

all i have is nothing. i'm a bit jealous with him 'cause he gets his phentermine to curb his appetite. i wish i could have the same thing too :(

anyway. because of those shits reasons that put me into here, i decided to starve myself. i told him, perhaps starvation could lead me to death. he laughed. he said, no, it won't do as long as you keep being hydrated.

i don't believe in him.

the first day i restricted myself, it was nothing new. well, i did starve back in auckland. therefore, doing it all over again is nothing peculiar. only that, i felt a bit tired that i had to go back home and lied myself on bed - doing nothing. it was challenging enough. my tummy felt kind of sting. so i gobbled up some popcorn and ended them with water. it relieved me. then i led my day as usual. if ever i felt awful again, i took the popcorn and munched bits by bits with water. most of the time, i only drank water to keep me sane.

i went to bed with empty stomach actually. that night, i was awaken by the pain at the abdomen. i knew i needed to eat. i sat straight, grabbed some popcorn and ate it until i was ok.

the next morning, i went to school without any food. i kept myself busy. classes after classes until i forgot i needed to feed the tummy. i went back home, restlessly. one thing for sure, i just had to distract myself by closing my eyes and sleep. i did it. and it worked.

today is the third day of my starvation. i still depend on popcorn and water. plus, several kuih raya and love letters. but, like i said, most of the time, i'm going to drink lots of water. it's zero calories. so, it's good.

i haven't looked skinny. thus, i think, it's ok. people won't notice what i'm currently doing. all i have to say to them "i'm eating, don't worry. i'm ok. everything's under control"

let's hope i shall make it till the last breath of mine :')