a letter to whom it may concern

Hi again,

So, I read your email the moment it went through and I was thinking, yeah, I should have made myself a bit busy. And here's my Saturday - 

I was supposed to do an inspection in aspuri this morning but I had to proceed with my part time job. Both were obviously collided at the same time, so, I texted my ketua aras to still do the inspection on behalf of me. I couldn't afford to let go off my part time job this time just because I went back to Melaka last weekend (remember?). Ok. I attended the job - well, it's actually an English tuition (a one-to-one and I charge the kid RM 30 per hour, what do you think?). It went good. The kid seemed to be satisfied for the first round. She told me she learnt a lot from me since before this, she only writes English based on her 9-years-experience in school. She hasn't got a proper education particularly in writing English. I kind of..er..I don't know. Pity on her? But at the same time I'm glad she was happy. The grin on her face clearly showed that she felt all this is going to be worthwhile.

Packing up my stuff in the staff room (the tuition was conducted at my working space) and quickly headed to my car. I started the engine and drove to Baling to do my grocery. It was quite surprising though because the supermarket I went to is having a renovation. I don't know since when it happens - I rarely do grocery, to be honest. I picked anything I wanted - pita bread, carrots, cabbage, lemons, maggie (curry flavour), dark chocolate bar (the small one), peanuts, frozen curry puff, french fries (thin-cut ones, just like the McD's), noodles paste (i'm bad at cooking, so I opt for something easy) and not to forget, I called my mom when I stood right in front of bakery shelves. I asked her which flour should I buy to make onde2/buah melaka. She told me it's glutinous rice flour (ah!). So, I grabbed one as well as palm sugar. Back in Auckland, I couldn't find the usual Malaysian palm sugar (the brownish black). I substituted it with palm sugar imported from China (it's very light brownish). Anyhow, the taste is closed enough to our onde2/buah melaka. Now, the only thing I couldn't find in the supermarket is desiccated coconut. I dashed to a pay counter, handed my debit card and drove back to Pengkalan Hulu.

At that time, it was already 2.30pm. My tummy was grumbling. I hadn't have anything since morning. I parked in front of a mamak stall and ordered a takeaway half-plate nasi kandar. Just then, I noticed there was a wet market next to the mamak stall. So, I went to it to get my coconut. Unlucky me, there wasn't any - "depa dah lama tak hantaq kelapa naakk" . Fine, pakcik. Fine.

Finally. Home.

Took all my grocery items and...surprise surprise. My fridge was broken down. The ice on the top compartment went melting. I was panic (as usual) but I tried to make myself cool. Oh, by the way, I'm home alone. Both my housemates went back to their hometown. They are the locals. So. The fridge. I texted the warden's whatsapp group, to whom should I contact to fix this problem. A KH teacher asked me whether the plug was functioning well or otherwise. Being me, I only studied KH for the theoretical sake, not the practicality. I asked the group again - how should I know that? Other senior wardens started responding - "you soooo cute In" "In..in..you so funny" urgghhhh I was being real and panicky and did not know what to do. How could they possibly find this isn't serious? Long story short, it was actually the adapter that wasn't working, hence shutting down the fridge. Performed the zohor prayer, ate the unappetizing nasi kandar (I will never ever buy it) and drove to a hardware shop in Pengkalan Hulu to get a new one. 

Great. The fridge is back on its feet.

5-ish in the evening.

My girls were ranting lots of stuff on the whatssapp group. One was complaining about her wedding thingy - the dress, the dates, the fiance (HAHAHA), the invitation (and I was thinking - is it this hard to organize a wedding?? oh dear). One was talking about how alone she was at the moment, hence a chocolate moist cake all by herself (what a craze). One was sharing about her course in Lenggong before posting to an MRSM. And me? Well. I just spiced up every little thing they said heeee

6.11pm.

I decided to wash my car. Parked it right in front of the so-called yard. Got the micro fiber towel and car shampoo. I ended it at 6.45pm and since I had few minutes before 7pm, I thought, perhaps I should go to aspuri to check on kids.

Oh yes. I suddenly turned into a grumpy, fierce warden. I took those names who were late to clear the block (hihi!). I bet kids were never expecting I would be there around this hour. 

Alright.

I think I need to pen off now. I have to get ready for my kids' speaking test. Besides, this reply has been a long one. 

Don't you think my Saturday is busy enough?

Thanks for the advice - appreciate it much.

Until then, take care.

I see you in the next letter.

Loves,

In.

Rx - TESL

Currently writing in the staff room while waiting for my class - -

So, hi.

We meet again. I'm still breathing (thank God). I'm still surviving (yes, I am).

I'm actually not that OK - emotionally. Physically - yes, I am. I'm doing good. I took meals these past few days. In fact, I binged eating. But, that's only for a day. The next day, I fasted from dawn till dusk. Anyway, since I know I'm not OK, I contacted Val. I whatsapped her and showed her few of my artworks. She complimented me. I was happy. Drawing is the exact medium to express my emotions. Though I draw sad faces, I manage to draw smiles at the same time. I can't lose hope. Even if the world is shutting down, I have to have a hope to be happy (at least). That's why there is a few smiles in my drawing.

In conjunction of Inktober2016, I try my best to keep up with it. It's literally a challenge for me because I have to juggle my working life as a teacher and my own personal life. Sometimes, I stay awake at night to finish up my drawing. I don't know. Some people might see it absurd - why would you torture yourself, burning the midnight oil just for the sake of inking some white papers? - but the truth is, it's a satisfaction to me. I want to let go of my feelings. I want to let go of the burden I've been shouldering all by myself. Yes, I do feel lonely. It's just enough with being alone for most of the time. Lonely? It's a total disaster. 

So far, I have drawn six doodles based on the themes given by Mr. Parker. I think that's a good achievement. I should have thanked Mr. Parker for creating this Inktober2016 because I'm driven to  improve my drawing skills. Not to forget, I gradually found my signature drawing and yeah, it feels good to finally have one of your own. My drawing habit is also nurtured days by days. My fingers are no longer stiff to run curves on papers. I know I'm way behind with the Inktober2016. October is approaching its end and yet, I only have six doodles. Nonetheless, I'll keep on drawing until I finish all the themes given. 

Oh, by the way. With the themes that Mr. Parker has laid out, I also incorporate them with a sense of loving couple. AND THAT DOUBLE UP THE CHALLENGE!

Here are the doodles I created ; 

theme: Rock
theme: Broken

"we're not broken, just bend. and we can learn to love again"

  

theme: Lost

without you, i'm lost

theme: Jump

i jump over the moon whenever i think about you

theme: Transport

someday, we shall transport together to the world of ours

theme: Worried

we are of two different people - i'm always be the worried one while you're
the worried-less. even so, it is this difference that would make us
complement to each other. i hope you can stand with my insanely never-
ending worries. slap me if you must.

theme: Tree

i'd like to build a family tree with you. would you, too?

lining up my fashion

ok.

i fuck up again. i'm broken for the same, same reason. i hate it. and that broken-hearted-emotion-stuff hits me to the rock bottom that i lose my appetite. i even starve myself because i want to take away the emotional pain. i know and i don't expect anyone of you to understand why the hell i do such hurting acts on my flesh and bones but just know that emotional pain is way, way painfuller than physical pain. i don't mind at all letting my tummy empty for more than 12 hours. i just couldn't get over the fact that i'm being hurt AGAIN.

so.

the obvious impact i get is my weight decreases massively. i haven't looked like a skinny one but people start to notice that my outfits are baggy and loose. even when i wear my kebaya, it doesn't fit me nicely. i now start to wear again my shirts and blouses which i used to wear back when i was in Auckland (i was diagnosed to suffer from eating disorder, hence my body was shrinking). i now eat less which i find it, is okay. what more, my budget is quite restricted now because i'm putting a huge amount to my savings for my future. i am told i'm being extreme - well, i don't care. one thing for sure, i run towards what i truly want. by hook or by crook, that's it.

anyway.

on a side  note, i look quite ok in a few of photos LOL

i don't know why i suddenly have this model-ish feeling hahaha

here are my work and casual outfits.

enjoy!

at times i need to rest my eyes, hence the nerdy look

about to feed my kids with extra knowledge on friday night

being a teacher requires me to be outstation too

and weekends are never that boring if i opt for outing

so loose, so don't care

the indian-malay-cultures combination

the palazzo drapes nicely, accentuating my figure

keamanan

before i proceed to today's topic, i'd like to show you how drastically i was in keeping my blog for the past two years. i just realize that the number has dropped significantly, showing that i was in a real deep shit from 2012 to 2014. take a look on it.

from 105 to 45, to 29 - which wows me in awe
(click for a larger view)

anyway, that's just an interlude before we go to our serious business. takde lah serius mana but what i'm about to talk about is something we, as a human being, experience in our life - relationship. and this time, i'm totally being open and i'll talk about relationship between males and females.

AWKKKWARRRDDDDD 

yup, that's right. o wait, disebabkan aku taknak lah sound funny blabbering about this topic (because i am no way close to the title a relationship expert), i might as well talk in english - feel less awkward gitu hahaha

so, i was watching this video produced by an Asian vlogger and after one video to another video, it so happened i already watched 63 videos of hers in a day! from there, i just knew she broke up with her boyfriend who is also a vlogger/actor/tv host, after two years of dating. fun thing about her, in this one particular video, she was live performing a song she wrote about a cat in which the lyric was really symbolic and metaphor-ed on her current situation. she got her ex on the same stage and the three of them (her singing partner, the boyfriend and herself) seemed to enjoy the sing occasion.

i like this girl because she played it cool, though i know it must be hard for her. what more the boyfriend once said - hey we can be friends. 

i myself underwent several failures in relationship and if i were to count all of them, it should be four times. yup, four times babe. the first relationship was not even a relationship because i was rejected by the guy. the second one, i rejected my ex because i couldn't have a feeling on him, plus, he was a bit pushy (sorry!). the third relationship was complicated and long story cut into short, he got married with someone else. the last one - i was left by the guy without any further notice/signal/clue/warning. kiranya, gantung tak bertali lah. and the worst part is, i was attacked (i considered it as an attack) by his current girlfriend (what the fuck). so, upon the attack, i told myself - o, that's completely over between you and me.

i never feel proud with these episodes going on in my life because they leave me with scars, pain, agony and the feel of "you're a loser". but, the truth is, they are part of the reasons of making me to become who i am now. i learn a lot - REAL a lot and one of the lessons learned is that, i need to forgive and to forget. oh yeah, the latter one, of course, i can't do it in a go, seriously. it takes awhile to move on, ergo, i have to allow myself giving the me as much time as i need so that i'll be ok again and healed. 

this so-called meditation (which is to forgive and forget) leads me to make a peace with those exes. you heard me, gal - make a peace yaww.

well, some people don't get it - how the hell i am, to be totally ok in keeping in touch with these guys who once broke my heart. the rule is simple - reconcile with the person, telling him that this relationship is not gonna work and we both need to be apart, provided it has to be in a good term. it's like you're saying "i'm out of here and you should too. but keep in mind, this is for the best for both of us. i'm happy with this decision. you're happy with this decision. and we can always come back and be together as FRIENDS).
i make a peace with all of them except the last one (maybe some time in the near future we will catch up and reconcile, who knows right?). i made a point that i am still his friend that perhaps we can go for a coffee or talk on phone or hang out for a movie or what ever. BUT. it has to be on a different level of relationship - no more lovey dovey stuff. it has to be as clean as it is because i'm not gonna go back to the shit we both once did. lucky me, the exes got the message and that's why i still can bid them birthday wishes, say hello via whatsapp, crack some jokes on phone and sometimes, go back to the past and laugh to the silliness of us two. 

to me, THAT'S the beauty of making a peace with your ex(es).

so, my point is, no doubt it's difficult to get over with your break up, thus, take as much time as you want as long as you get back on your feet and work your fucking asshole. after all, life goes on and you need to keep on moving. don't limit yourself and don't get cemented by your past. just believe that maybe, someday, you might bump into that one significant other of yours at the right time and at the right place. from there, you still can create your own fairy tale and IF it's meant to be not working again, it's ok. pat your shoulder and say "at least you've tried".

also, if you could, please make a peace with the person you used to love, adore and care. there's nothing wrong to put up a white flag together and be friends again. 

don't you think so?

p/s : as i said earlier, i'm not a relationship expert. this is just my opinion based on my true experiences.

harap maklum.

please come back home - suatu ketika dulu

there was one time, i was in a deep shit, i didn't know where to go and to whom should i speak to. i felt i was all alone, i had no one in this whole world and i thought i would fuck up in any thing i do in my life. i distant myself from most of people i know, including my housemates in which i barely talked to them even though we lived under the same roof. life was sort of bleak and black as if i was out of a glow to light up the darkness i faced.

so, after quite some time i was deadly silent, suddenly an email popped out from my gmail inbox, with its title "i miss you". it was from my big brother, asking me, where had i gone and what happened to me. he sounded worried behind every word he wrote.

and the email was finally enclosed with an attachment of a song by fort minor - where'd you go.

to his surprise, i replied the email, telling that i was in a bad condition and i was afraid if he couldn't process it if we met up. the 'bad condition' was referring to my physical appearance whereby i was diagnosed to have an eating disorder and was prone to anorexia.  at that time, i was like 38-39 kg and i was bony - seriously.  and my emailed was enclosed with this video - 
  

no one could ever replace you, Fir

you'll be always missed

I have a kind of attitude to name my things in order for me to feel humane in them and not to feel lonely. Firdaus was my plant whom I put him at my window when I was in second year of university. He's a type of telling certain people that I was sick although I told the people I was ok. Well, I supposed he reflected me anyway. After staying at Columbia Apartment, I moved to The Volt where I placed Firdaus at the apartment's balcony. Before that, he was in Bonda's care as I went back Malaysia for awhile. Bonda has these green hands which healed Firdaus in no time. I was happy seeing him back into a good shape and at the same time I felt sorry for him too. Bonda said, the plant only needs an extra TLC - tender, love and care. But...easy said than done, eit? 

As expected, Firdaus was back to a terrible state. I bet it's got to do with me - I wasn't in my own self either. 

Finally, the time had come and I had to let go of him. I left Firdaus in the balcony alone, and I flew back to Malaysia. Part of me misses him - always have, always will - until just now, I found this guy at Jusco. He does look the same like Firdaus, except that he's a bit smaller and tinier. I presume he must have been belonged to the same family of Firdaus, so with no doubt, I took him home. 

"Abah, remember this? (while showing him to Abah) I used to have the same one back in Auckland - Firdaus. ingat tak?"
"Yeah (took it away from my hands and pour some water onto him)"
"What are you doing?"
"He needs water. His soil is dry (and placed him under a shade of another plant)"
"Will that be ok (for him)?"
"Of course. Look at that (pointed to another pot of a small plant). He's ok with whichever place I put it"
"Abah...that one already used to this environment. This one (referring to my guy) is new, so --"

"What? Is he from New Zealand?"

"No...what I mean is, he's from an air-cond place that is Jusco"

"Well, tonight's gonna be cold. And that's why I put him under the plant. It's colder down there"

"Ok.."

"I haven't named him yet" I blurt out after a short silence between us.

Abah gave me a weird look.

"I'm thinking of something that has a meaning of strength...Mohd told me it should be a guy, not a girl"

"Bastian (not a real name)?"

''No...Bastian is pembawa berita gembira. Bastian - Farahin...hmmm (sigh)"

"Sorang pembawa berita gembira, sorang lagi yang girang gembira. But..."

I left the sentence cliffhanging. I was about to say - but we didn't work, anyway. Things are not according to the plan.

"Is it my fault? Hasn't I done enough?"

"It's not about whose fault it is..."

"Then? Or am I too weird? Like giving names to my things?"

"It's not that...well, I don't mind about the names but you tell people --"
"What? In dah tak makan pun ubat...I'm ok"

"Iye...abah tahu. I'm just saying that you should have told people you're ok now"

"Of course I am..."

"In, maybe you should see things differently. I mean, see them from the positive side. And not to blame who and who --"

"Tengok. Abah pun nak backup dia?"

"It's not about backing him up. And not pointing out whose fault in this matter. I'm talking about my daughter, ok. Maksud Abah, just take it positive. Who knows, even if you made it through, it won't last? So, what I'm trying to say is--"

"Things happen for reasons?"
"Yes..."
"And what reason behind this?"
"We'll never know...there are things we are not capable of comprehending behind what already happened. God has designed us in such way. We only need to be expecting good things from Him. Ok, if I have a needle and I throw it in a haystack, do you think there's a needle in it?"
"Of course"

"Can you get it for me?"
"That'll be hard"
"But, is it there?"
"Yeah"
"So, it's the same thing with what you face now. Ada hikmah"

Amjad - more glorious.

Yes...perhaps, Amjad.

selasa bersama Val #10

In behavioural management, we learn that there are ways to prevent and to deal with maladaptive attitudes. It's the same thing with what I learn in my counselling sessions. Val give me several techniques, be it preventive or curative, so that I can bring back home and practice them. I must say, some of her homework/techniques are not working on me, therefore I have to let her know about it and she will propose me another techniques. The point is, we are of different individuals with different identities and characters. So, there are multiple of trial-and-errors. Some people might find that A is working on them, some will say "it isn't working". Some people might feel "yeah, this B technique is ok with me" and some might say otherwise. Because of this trial-and-error practices, the treatment to cure from self-harming addiction is extensive. It is a long way process  and as a patient, no doubt, there is a point I want to give up along the way. Yet, my medical team will always, always support me and that's why I always have to have a faith in the process.

Ok, even though I am not completely cured, I just want to share with those who are in the same shoes with me, some curative methods. Of course these tricks are not as stinging as cutting or burning (apparently I stop cutting but I start burning myself with an iron - ok, this is another story. We leave it there for awhile), but the pain from the tricks could be helpful. At least, they won't leave you any marks, so, the feeling of being ashamed for seeing the marks, won't appear.

Last year - I still have the blood stain on
my room's carpet.

1. Rubber band

Always have a rubber band on your wrist. 

I promised Val I won't harm myself anymore, provided she allows me to use this alternative. All I do is, every time I'm overwhelmed by my negative feelings that I feel my chest is tightened, I will pull the rubber band as much as I can and I will let it go. I do that several times until I feel a relief. Surely, it isn't that bad because it doesn't leave you any scars. It still gives you some pain, though.

Usually, this redness will disappear in five to 
seven days. It depends on how 
much you pull the rubber band.
(please ignore my scars on the arm)

2. Cold water

Always standby with a bottle of cold water in your fridge. To make it even awesome, have some ices in your freezer. Once you are in the state of panic attack, run to the kitchen, grab the cold water and put it in a basin. Add some ices too. Then, surface or immerse your face into the basin. You'll feel a sting of coldness on your cheeks. Do it several times until you are satisfied. I tried this cold water trick once. I was in a bathroom in a holiday house. The tap water was icy cold and because at that moment I hate looking at my figure on the bathroom mirror, I suddenly dump my face into the water. I did feel the pain and again, it didn't leave me any marks on my face. That's why no one knows about it, except you guys who are reading this haha

So, try this cold water trick if the rubber band trick is not working.

If the cold water is too much extreme for you, try to hold an ice cube instead. Well, this trick is so-so for me. I tried it several times actually and I don't think it works on me. This is because whenever I'm having a panic attack, my body temperature is sky-rocketing so the ice cube quickly melts before it gives me a powerful pain. Talking about body temperature, sometimes I even sweat although the place I sat was about 16-ish degree Celsius. Well, different people will have different body reactions. So learn your body bits by bits. 

I think, that's all I want to talk about. There are heaps of knowledge I learn and I am more than happy to share with you here. However, with loads of information I'm going to tell you, still, it is up to you whether to take them on board or not. The call is yours.

Cheers.

selasa bersama Val #3

betapa aku kecundang sekali lagi depan Val. her words poked me, directly hit my soft spot and i burst into tears.

lewat tengahari - hari ahad.

aku keseorangan, literally. i thought i'm going to be ok even if i'm alone on these days because Val has taught me several techniques to deal with my emotions.

example,

1. breathe properly. 

all you need to do is to take a deep breath. breathe from your belly. inhale slowly and exhale slowly. do it for two times first. do not rush.

2. use your five senses. 

first, run your fingers to the nearest thing to you. you can run through your cheeks. feel it. do they feel warm? cold? wet? dry? relax. can you feel your back against the chair you sit on? can you feel your mattress you lie on? how does it feel? soft? hard? wriggle your fingers toes. can you feel your socks? close your eyes. listen to the sounds in your surrounding. can you hear buses honking? people on constructions yelling? the couple next door shouting and throwing things?

3. if you are crying, it's ok. 

walk several steps away from where you are now. go to the kitchen. take a glass of water and drink. slowly, take a sip. breathe. now, take another round to drink.

4. always have your phone with you. 

well, things might get worst sometimes. so, quickly reach the Youthline or Crisis team. text or call them. make sure you save both teams' numbers as the first one in your contact list. or perhaps, save them on one of your speed dials. 

***

nampak mudah. nampak senang. but believe me. it's never been easy to fight the SHA. 

try walking a mile in my shoes - i bet you won't get the slightest chance to take even one step ahead. you'll stumble the minute you attempt it.

random

surviving

freezing

counting

listening

a stepping stone

to begin with, i was out of nowhere scrolling down few photos of myself, taken in my first year in auckland. it was a sudden. i didn't know why i clicked the folder. probably i tried killing my time or distracting myself while i was taking my dinner (yeah, i love dining in front of my lappy - it's a new bad habit hahaha).

so, as i clicked one by one, reminisced what already happened to me, thought how my life has changed termendously, i came to this photo.

can you guess what's the photo all about?

before that, i think i should say a thank you to nizar. yes, thank you, nizar. if you're reading this, you better know the reason i said so. without your bitter words, i probably won't be here - right now, in this state.

so, back to our photo. 

this is it.

left : april 2011

right : march 2013

when people said i'm never a fat girl, i don't believe it. maybe they don't see me carefully. or perhaps they just throw the words to make me feel comfortable. whatever it is, i did take the right call - not to fall in that sugary, diebatic words. i know i was fat. i was plump. and i was chubby. what more, my attitude in consuming food was bloody sucks. i didn't care at all about what i'd taken for my body. i ate a lot of high calories meals, monosodium glutamate snacks, fast food and never i did any of exercises. i was a spoilt brat to myself.

then, came in my turning point. it was in march of my second year being in auckland. something ugly had happened to me. it was awful that i  think we don't have to go in details on that. i suddenly took serious about my figure. i changed almost everything i had as my routine. like for example, i had a clear-out of my food basket. chocolates, snacks, milo, cookies - you just name them. everything was out from my sight. then, i shopped new items. i bought more fruits and veges, cartons of almond milks, mixture of nuts, and not to forget, some tea bags. i also made sure i had a large bottle of water on my study desk.

in addition, i started to jog at auckland domain every early in the morning. but if the morning jogging didn't permit me, i would go there in the evening. 

ok, maybe my new routine was a bit harsh in the beginning. i did crash diet. i did vigorous work out. i was driven by my inner side, hence i couldn't be bother if this lifestyle i'd chosen might put me in danger. i was insane back then hahaha

so, now, i'm telling you - first and foremost, it's perfectly alright if you want to get into a new whole diet. but, i warn you here, please bear in mind, your health should come on top of the list. 

if you're saying i'm taking herbalife all this while, well, please be surprised - i am not. i don't have that large amount of money to buy those herbalife stuff. i'm just a student who solely depend on my scholarship. well, i don't dismiss the idea of taking it actually. in fact, i second for those who are consuming it. i believe, herbalife is a good starter kit to lose some weight ! indeed, it teaches you how to lead a healthy lifestyle. for a record, i seriously get jealous to whom can afford herbalife. i wish i could have one because i took a hard, long way to becoming of who i am now.

there's nothing else i want to share here except my diet story. for those who are in the process of losing some weight, i bid you all the best and good luck ! may all of us be beautiful inside and out :)

cheers. 

almond butter

do you know that almond butter is less commercially available compared to peanut butter? because of this contributing factor, almond butter can be doubly more expensive than peanut butter. peanut butter is produced by many suppliers of which most of them add unhealthy ingredients such as salt, sugar and saturated fats to make it tastes so good. i, myself, prefer almond butter simply because it has less saturated fat. but then, both butter can be healthy and nutritious depending on their actual ingredients, preservatives and preparation.

i choose to make my homemade almond butter because :

1. almond butter is rarely to be found in supermarkets. i never found any except at countdown quay street.

2. almond butter is waayyy expensive. i bought it once with the price NZD8.65 for 200g, while i can actually get 375g of peanut butter with only NZD2.49.

3. homemade almond butter is much safer because you know what ingredients are to be added.

4. i was inspired by fynn jamal who did her homemade jam. if she can make something like that, why can't i?

note : thank you kak fynn.

here's how i did my homemade almond butter.

ingredients :

1. raw almonds

(countdown offers 750g of raw almonds with NZD13.95)

2. extra virgin olive oil

3. salt

steps :

1. place raw almonds on an ungreased baking sheet in a microwave for 2 minutes. then, let it cool for awhile. put it back again for another 2 minutes.

you can add more time if you want but make sure your raw almonds do not burnt.

2. place the nuts in a food processor and add a pinch of salt.

3. have it a go until the nuts become grounded.

4. then, add a bit of extra virgin olive oil.

5. process the nuts again until it turns out to be a paste.

good luck !

for the original recipe, feel free to visit here.

yummmeehhh

sibuk - how cliche is that?

so, this recipe is totally simple for a simple lady like me.

i'm getting busy - so does my family. well, my busy is purely based on my personal life (going to gym, having classes and tutorials, also, concentrating on losing my weight). while my family, you see, my sister is getting married. so, of course there's a whole lot of things they've got to do at the moment.

pasta :
1. wholemeal spaghetti
2. salt
3. boiling water

boil 60 pieces or more of wholemeal spaghetti with two table spoons of salt.
cook them until al dente.
drain and set aside.

salad :
1. purple cabbage
2. celery
3. carrot
4. snow pea sprouts
5. lettuce

chop everything into small pieces.
place them in a bowl.
mix them with this salad dressing.

salad dressing :
1. extra olive virgin oil
2. pepper
3. salt
4. lemon juice

have a taste.
then, combine the pasta with the salad.
have a go with a mug of peppermint tea (without sugar).
bon appétit !

recipe inspired by you-know-who.

pembentangan

john

so, you ready?

aku

yeah

john

enough practice?

aku

yup. i even take your advice, john. i practiced in front of the mirror, and i was laughing, seeing at myself.

john

oh. did you time yourself?

aku

yup.

john

what's the time then?

aku

about six to seven minutes.

john

hmm...you've got to slow down a bit.

aku

yeah, i know. it's just that i'm quite nervous, so, i tend to talk like a real fast.

john

yeah, well. me too. when i was in conference and i talked real fast, people didn't hear me.

aku

[laugh]

john

but i wasn't that terrible hahaha

it's just like in summer school. people can't get what i said.

aku

yeah, yeah. oh, you know what, john. during the summer school, i felt really scared with you.

john

what?

[suprised]

aku

yeah, the first week, i was like really scared with you. i was so afraid, and i know, my friends felt that a bit weird though. i shouldn't feel so. but later, the second week, i was ok then.

john

yeah. i'm not that scary. i don't eat people.

aku

[laugh]

i know, i know. but, well, it was my first time ok , listening to your british slang, and your accent. my friend even said to me, i shouldn't feel nervous around you. they said - john is good, and he's nice.

john

aaa...you're saying that, trying to get A plus eit?

aku

[laugh so hard]

***

pembentangan aku untuk kelas ACADENG200 berjalan lancar. cuma, pada awalnya, bila aku dah separuh jalan buat introduction, tiba-tiba -

"oh, wait. kejap!"

ye, aku betul-betul cakap "kejap" dalam kelas tu. dan harus lah john pandang aku pelik. otomatik aku merayu pada dia,

"o john, can we do it again? i'm so nervousssss. pleeeasseee !"

pastu, satu kelas gelak kan aku.

hampeh tol.

by the way, john rakam pembentangan kami semua. tak sabar aku nak tengok balik potensi diri aku bila bercakap bahasa inggeris depan umat manusia. mesti macam badut. atau mungkin, budak spastik barangkali? mana taknya, bila aku present, aku tengok, sorang-sorang tersenyum dan tergelak. dorang ni, ketawakan aku ke, atau apa sebenarnya? 

habis bentang dan pulang ke meja,

"did i look funny?"

aku soal sorang classmate. 

dan ini jawapan nya,

"oh, no, no. you're doing great. just that, i see like you're dancing on the floor when you present"

damn.

kononnya, sherlock holmes

aku
do you wear contact lense?
[ out of sudden ]

lennart
er, yeah
[ chuckles ]

aku
aa...

lennart
it's obvious eit? it makes my eyes bigger

aku
yeah, yeah. 
no, actually, i saw that in your eyes just now. and i was like - oh wait, don't tell me he's wearing contact lense !

lennart
[ laugh ]

-

bila aku habiskan ayat yang terakhir tu, then i realized i put myself a death sentence - mengkantoikan diri yang i observed him silently.
duuuhhh.
eleh, bigger la sangat ~
tak besar mana pun, lennart.
it just happened that i sat next to you and at such a distance, i don't know why i could see your transparent contact lense. 

-

aku
so, what's your tattoo mean?
[ packing my things ]

lennart
sorry?

aku
your tattoo, 
[ pointing at his right musculus triceps brachii ]
what does it mean?

lennart
oh, it means, em...strength? like power, yeah.
[ packing his things too ]

aku
wow. it's a chinese character right?
[ button up my trench coat ]

lennart
yup. i got it when i was 16.

aku
that's too young !

lennart
yeah, i know. i was underage that time. i went to, em, guatemala-

aku
gua-te-ma-la?

lennart
yeah, yeah. guatemala, somewhere in, i don't know. mexico? and i thought i want to have it. i was with my friend.

aku
did your parents mad?
[ grab my umbrella at the back of class ]

lennart
well, i showed them after that. they don't feel mad. they're just like- it's already been done. nothing's they can do about it.

aku
yeah ~
very genius ~
[ pulling up my bag on shoulder ]

lennart
[ laugh ]
see you tomorrow, farah !

aku
yeah, see ya !

-

frankly speaking, i accidently ternampak tatu dia bawah lengan kanan. it was covered by his red shirt. takde intention pun nak usha dia lepas insiden mengkantoikan diri terang-terangan minggu lepas.
hmm...thinking it back, i don't know what would lennart think about me.
adakah dia merasakan aku -

1. seorang stalker ?
2. atau seorang observer yang sangat teliti terhadap perkara-perkara kecil ?



i hope it's the latter one.

dialog anak kecil #17

+ hey, I like the buttons on your scarf 

 - oh, thank you (smile)

 + did you sew it, or- 

 - yeah, I sew it 'cause my scarf is very plain 

 + that's nice. you made up or you've seen it any in new zealand? 

 - naa, I've just made it up. I've found this art craft shop. lots button over there and it's cheaper 

 + aa..I see. well you know sometimes new zealand's fashion got their jewellery on their clothes 

 - yeah, yeah 

 :) 

when you're desperate (be it to be beautiful, slim, clever, cute, smart etc), your brain starts to work creatively and wonderfully. 

seriously, it is. 

and i don't need nootropics to access my brain's capacity

bertemu semula

aku

excuse me ... ?

dia

[ pandang ]

[ alihkan headphone dari telinga ]

aku

alan right ?

a-lan ?

dia

[ tersenyum ]

heeyy

how you doing ?

aku

good, i'm good. what about you ?

dia

yeah, i'm good too

aku

you're still working ?

dia

yeah, yeah. of course

aku

[ gelak ]

i see...you still in uni right ?

dia

yup. i still have my years there

aku

so, what'd you take for this semester ? still the language teaching ?

dia

aa...no actually. em, my major, got me with this english paper. aaa...

aku

[ berkerut ]

what paper ?

dia

well, something like applied grammar...or something ?

aku

you mean...linguistic paper, is it ?

dia

yeah, maybe...applied something something - learning english. stage two. two hundred-

aku

[ tarik senyum sampai ke telinga ]

yup, yup. it's linguistic. applied grammar - two o three. hey, i take that paper for this semester too !

dia

really ? wow !

aku

yeah [ gelak ]

dia

well, see you in class then

aku

of course. of course. nice to see you again, alan !

siapa sangka bila aku jumpa dia di kedai runcit ? practically, we did our grocery together. i mean, dia beli sayur dia. aku beli aku punya. tapi, bayar kat kaunter sama hihihi

aku

is that all ?

[ pandang bakul dia ]

dia

yeah. i have my birthday party this saturday.

aku

sorry ? your birthday party ?

dia

aha, this saturday. 

aku

you're cooking eit ?

dia

[ gelak ]

not that really. just buy these potatoes and make some hotdogs. well, simple stuff. actually, my birthday's this monday, but yeah, am having party on saturday.

aku

aaa...this coming monday ?

so, happy becoming birthday then

[ senyum ]

dia

[ gelak ]

so, how's your weekend ? good ?

aku

yeah, great !

[ senyum ]

dia

and you got, like, how many years in university ?

aku

well, i've got like three semesters more.

dia

aaa...you're majoring-

aku

education. you know, like, i'll have practical stuff after that.

dia

i see...

aku

so, i see you in class ya ? 

bye alan ~

[ senyum ]

dia

yeah, see you then

[ senyum ]

walaupun gembira dapat jumpa dia semula (siapa sangka kan ?), aku ada feeling yang tak best. aku tak nak duduk sebelah dia dalam kelas linguistic nanti hahahaha

bukan apa, kalau duduk dengan dia, confirm tak boleh concentrate and focus on lectures. macam sengal kan bunyik nya ? but it's true. my result for the last paper on language teaching was really bad. seriously, bad. shame on me - distracted by a guy named alan and there you have. 

padan muka.

sakit itu istimewa

"pain happens when you care" (lisa cuddy, 2010)

and it is not when you don't.

in my words, pain is born out of love.

my life is filled with people who i allow them to cross in my heart and stay there as long as i want them to be there. when i put them into the space i've created in my very own special way, i love them unconditionally and infinitely that i rather to put myself behind or above anything else, just to make sure they are alright without even being hurt by the slightest of any harm.

i must say that one of the good points about love is, it is the craziest element to be exist in the entire of human creation. agreeing with lionel richie as his music sings "love will conquer all", it is not too much to speculate that love has its undeniable ultimate power which can rule beyond our scientific, logical thinking and affect us greatly in many unimaginable directions. for instance, we can become irrational as we learn to fall in love. we can become insane as we learn to be touched by some hearts. we can become unrealistic when we learn to give and take the love that starts to bloom. and, to allow yourself to getting involve in love means you are ready to face anything it may pay you along the journey you will have ahead.

love requires you the A-to-Z needs and sometimes, you just can't justify the reasons behind every decision and action you take. remember, love is a powerful tool that always tends to turn you to be three-sixty degrees in clueless state. so, you might suddenly incline to have the highest level of protectiveness, security, self-sacrifice, adoration, affection and also care, without you even realize they actually start to be imprinted on your dna.

let's take the element of care into our discussion. as we love them, we care them. as we care them, we love them. these components may go in both ways and absolutely come hand in hand. to be put into a hypothesis statement - the more you love someone, the more you will care about him or her. or, the more you care someone, the more you will love him or her. both statements can be interpreted differently but the main issue here is still centered by the feeling upon human being.

i would take 'care' as an independent variable while 'love' is my dependent variable. however, before we make a correlation between these two variables, i would like to propose another variable and it is 'pain'. therefore, my first attempt is to relate the elements of 'pain' and 'care', and from that point, i will try to connect it with 'love'.

giving a situation here, i care my biological sister a lot. yes, a real lot. she is the only sister i have in my whole life and no one can ever replace her regardless how many sisters kindly treat me like their own family. bonded by blood and only death will be the only reason we become apart, i was very much anxious the moment my future brother in law entered her life. i was scared to death if she would be hurt again by men. i was extremely worried if her face was swollen because of the tears caused by the good-for-nothing, uncivilized so-called gentlemen. those bitter days were just too much for her.

too. much.

and i couldn't stand anymore with the pain she's been going through. worse enough, i couldn't do anything to at least, repair her. thus, wasn't it horrible when we see our loved one had his or her poignant stage of life and we were really helpless back there? yeah, i was totally sucks to catch her before she fell. o how i wish i could erase those days for her and let her smile shines every now and then, yet how could that be possible? being powerless, it hurts me and this is so much right to say - "pain happens when you care".

to simplify ;

i feel the pain because i care for her and i care for her because i love her. therefore, isn't this ringing my first statement "pain is born out of love" ?

other example would be my experience involving a close friend of mine. we had this argument just an hour before i took my first advanced academic written english test. an hour before. i was out of control that i slipped some words which i shouldn't say to him. it was awful and indeed, i felt really bad. realizing all those nasty words perfectly came from my lips, i tried to save our friendship before he walked out from the door. i tried. and i failed. after all, he was the one who didn't give me a second chance and pushed me away with a real hard. therefore, i am accepting the fact that we are no longer friends. it was ugly seeing the moment he left me because all this while, i had always care about him. to me, listening to his stories never been a bored. reminding him about taking care of himself never been an exhausted. and helping him out whenever i can, never been a tired. because of the care i had upon him, i felt pain literally in my heart a few minutes before i sat for the test.

but then, the pain has gone now because as what he vaguely requested from me, i am no longer care anything about him at all. it was quite difficult at first, yet, for this is his last request, i should do him a favour.

so, in my conclusion, i couldn't agree more with cuddy when she says "pain happens when you care" and as you care, it shows that you have love in between the lines.

pain ?

it's a bless.

penulisan akademik

"writing is not a profession but a vocation of unhappiness" (georges simenon, 1955)

how true is that?

explain.

***

it is true based on my experience.

i think i write at best when i'm emotionally suffering. i've been going through all the rough and tough that always pull me down, kill my soul, osmosize my strength and spring some tears in my eyes. it is hard every time you are at the bottom part of the black world. it is cold when you are in the deep hole. and it's never been easy to buckle up and lift your head up to the sky when you lost all your inside parts.

but then again, i never regret to have those shits in my episodes. like i quoted before from the good charlotte - "people always tell me this is part of the plan, that God's got everybody in his hands" - so, i think He's up there, mysteriously plans something for me. i talked to Him last night, silently in my prayers. with my hands still wet because of the crystal clear lacrimation, i begged an extra strength to be able to manage things that i've made in massive mess. i also asked for forgiveness because might be i've done blindly something wrong along the way i live on His land.

yeah, i'm a total screw.

well, someone told me, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" and i learn to make one. like, at an obvious level, i can write and arrange some words to be turned into sentences, paragraphs, plots and series. as every words i wrote were read by people, i did get some feedbacks, telling me the masterpiece is at least, a good one. and that never fails to put a smile on my face because i know, for some reason, people can sense the anguish and torment i live in.

so, now, i can confirm the statement above - "writing is not a profession but a vocation of unhappiness". as a matter of fact, under a depression state, oaks and diamonds can be made awesomely.

this confirmation leads me to another point.

happiness.

an abundance of happiness doesn't seem to be a good element. read again. an abundance. if we're having a minimal bits of happiness, i don't see any problem on that. but, if it's wealthy enough to dominize every second of your life, does it really turn you to become a better person? in my own personal point of view, it won't. instead, i might be even in the worst state of human being. yet, how can we possibly measure an amount of abstract matter like happiness and unhappiness? hence, this is all back to yourself. you're the one who decides whether what you feel is at the least or the most.

up to my thought, a high degree of happiness is merely an illusion. it's a conceptual stuff fabricated with lots of oxytocin that you feel it as a real, concrete thing to be hold onto and be preserved in your life phase.

well, did you know that gregory house became a lousier medical diagnostician when he was showered with happiness upon lisa cuddy's love? he lost his patient because of the reason he was being distracted with the happiness he had. back to the early part of the series - when he was a vicodin abuser, all he had by his side was the great amount of unhappiness. and this unhappiness, at the beneath of its surface, had made him to become the best medical case solver at the princeton-plainsboro teaching hospital (ppth).

to relate the example given about house, it is the same thing happens on me. the excessive unhappiness has intensified my creativity in writing words.

and this is enough to hypothesize that the larger scale of unhappiness you have, the better things you will produce.

to support the hypothesis given, i've searched plenty of examples from either fiction or non-fiction world. for example, an author of a popular young adult book series, alice tanner, in "unwritten" (the third episode in house's seventh season), held an emotional pain ever since the death of her son in a car accident. devasted by her lost, she ghostwrote a story that eventually stroke a phenomenon in teenage novel era.

other example is a virtual writer who i hardly know him in person. from my five-year of reading upon his writing, i must say that i sense his unhappiness. having a great failure in a love relationship, he was in a total of pieces and ashes. ergo, the breakdown had affected him to rebel some notions in societal system and also influenced his level of thinking. different as he seems, i admire his style of writing in putting down all his opinions and feelings. however, after the day he was sent to a psychiatrist and lost pounds in his weight, he decided to stop writing and his blog remain buried.

in short, i can see how the unhappiness empowers human being to create extraordinary stuff. not only that, it also teaches us to be strong enough to deal with hardships given by the almighty supreme power.

so, in my very own conclusion, i think i deserve a bounty taste of unhappiness instead of happiness. the latter one will only micrify myself in many ways. therefore, in my humble, personal opinion, i second with the saying - "writing is not a profession but a vocation of unhappiness".

and i rest my case.

***

p/s : jangan kau sangkakan university of auckland berikan tugasan begini.

it's just a piece of my thought which i intend to write it in an academic form.