Memaparkan catatan dengan label lukisanhati. Papar semua catatan
Memaparkan catatan dengan label lukisanhati. Papar semua catatan

myCupOfTea

kenapa myCupOfTea?
baru tadi aku google asal-usul frasa myCupOfTea. ouh, by the way, abang aku pernah cakap - setiap peribahasa ada jalan ceritanya. manusia tak senang-senang cipta macam tu je - ting! terus keluar peribahasa. no, no. it doesn't work that way.

"There are a large amount of different drinks available on the earth today, and many people have a preference as to what they drink. One of the more common beverages people consume is tea. In fact, tea is considered to be the most widely consumed beverage in the world next to water. Indeed, tea is a widely known drink that is enjoyed by millions of people. Thus, the idea for this phrase is that when someone or something is to a person's liking, they liken it to a cup of tea" [sumber]

so.
kenapa myCupOfTea?

sebab aku suka dia. suka tengok gaya dia, cara dia, watak dia. suka lah. tapi, seperti yang pernah aku jujurkan pada dia jua, suka tu belum cecah tahap cinta. masih merangkak-rangkak. dan dia pun bertatih lagi - kata dia lahhh. mungkin satu hari nanti, kami berdua akan jatuh cinta (insyaAllah). for the time being, aku mengikut arus. sepertinya, takdir menuliskan yang dia pemilik tulang rusuk aku. 

macam kebanyakan orang lain, kakak aku pernah tanya (ketika kami dalam kereta, baru sudah hantar umi abah tunaikan umrah) - "apa yang buat kau suka pada dia eh?"

aku termenung sekejap. 
kenapa eh?
ikutkan, rata-rata orang sekeliling aku (terutama tesl girls) tahu betapa kisah cinta aku is one kind of hell. aku mendamping rasa cinta sejak zaman kolej mara seremban lagi. patah hati toksah cakap lah. BERKALI. and my problem is always to have difficulty in moving on and getting back on my feet. azabnya la haih. to a point, aku rasa kecewa dan aku patut berhenti menyeksa jiwa raga aku. i have to be selfish, somehow.
jadik, untuk menjawab persoalan kakak, aku katakan yang aku rasa senang dengan dia. senang, as in, aku ok dengan dia. dia buat aku rasa selamat dan tenang. well, aku kan jenis panik-tak-tentu-hala. kalau diberi situasi cemas, aku mungkin dah lari lintangpukang macam orang gila. while him? sedamai kau tengok bukit hijau laksana saujana mata memandang, sebegitu lah dia. cool af.
and that's why people say - to get married is to complement each other.

seperti yang aku katakan tadi, kami berdua adalah dua manusia yang baru nak kenal hati budi. we're getting there (insyaAllah). but how do we end up to have a mutual agreement which led us to this engagement?

nanti aku cerita.
stay tuned.

for many years to come



surat untuk sara #3

ke hadapan sayangku sara,

ok. mama dah lama tak tulis surat untuk awak. bukan mama lupa kat awak, bukan sayang. mama cuma...having a difficult phase of my life. hakikatnya, mama selalu je teringat sara. kalau mama borak dengan siapa-siapa yang terdekat dengan mama, mama akan sebut nama awak (with a H at the end). 

sara,

setiap kali mama memikirkan tentang awak, mama, up to a point, will cry all by myself. to think about you means to think about my future. and to think about future is something that scares me out. mama pernah bayangkan macam mana mama kendong awak dengan dua tangan mama ni dan mama akan tersenyum. hidung awak, mata awak, bibir awak - yang mana satu akan mewaris features mama?
seseorang pernah puji mata bundar mama (gelak). kata dia, mata mama besar. mata mama can tell few things, like, my emotions...or how i feel.
entah lah. ye la kott.

besar sangat ke mata mama awak ni, sara? ihik.

sara,

ketika mama menulis surat ni dan awak sedang bacanya, mama dah cecah 26 tahun. macam-macam benda berlaku sejak kali terakhir mama tulis surat untuk awak. dalam tempoh lima tahun tu, mama hadap too many shits. too many hurdles that i have to pass them with lots of faith and prayers. mama pernah tanya pada diri sendiri - kenapa tak boleh saja aku rempuh semua tu? biar mati terus.
tapi, kalau mama buat gitu, mama selfish, kan sayang? mama takkan jumpa awak, somehow. 
so, here i am. still. 

sara,

kalau nak diceritakan the dos and don'ts in life, terlalu banyak, sayang. even so, mama akan cuba protect awak no matter what. tapi, mama nak awak belajar sendiri jugak. taste the bitter, painful of life. sebab, dengan cara tu lah, awak akan jadik kuat. kuat macam mama. atau, lebih dari tu. mama takkan selalu ada untuk sara tapi percaya lah, sayang, doa mama akan melilit jasad dan roh awak. mama akan minta pada Tuhan untuk sentiasa lindungkan anak mama yang sorang ni :')

aahh...kenapa mata mama berair ni...

sara,

i wish you wouldn't have to face whatever i face in my life. i'm a messed one. i fail to take care of myself. and if i can't do so, how can i take care of you and abang adam? but sayang, i badly want to meet you both. seriously. i don't know why. i was thinking that perhaps both of you can be my saviour. i need to be saved. 
takpe kalau mama dah putus asa dengan hidup mama. tapi, to give up on you and abang adam is a no no. at least, to meet and have you in the future is a dream that makes me hold onto this life just a little bit more. 

sara,

mama berhenti tulis sini dulu, ya sayang? mama loves you even though we haven't met yet. i'm sure God will grant me this dream in few more years from now. i just have to be patient, that's all.
till then.
i see you in the next letter.

loves,
mama


behind the broken smile


photo by: mr. fiance



Rx - TESL

Currently writing in the staff room while waiting for my class - -

So, hi.
We meet again. I'm still breathing (thank God). I'm still surviving (yes, I am).
I'm actually not that OK - emotionally. Physically - yes, I am. I'm doing good. I took meals these past few days. In fact, I binged eating. But, that's only for a day. The next day, I fasted from dawn till dusk. Anyway, since I know I'm not OK, I contacted Val. I whatsapped her and showed her few of my artworks. She complimented me. I was happy. Drawing is the exact medium to express my emotions. Though I draw sad faces, I manage to draw smiles at the same time. I can't lose hope. Even if the world is shutting down, I have to have a hope to be happy (at least). That's why there is a few smiles in my drawing.
In conjunction of Inktober2016, I try my best to keep up with it. It's literally a challenge for me because I have to juggle my working life as a teacher and my own personal life. Sometimes, I stay awake at night to finish up my drawing. I don't know. Some people might see it absurd - why would you torture yourself, burning the midnight oil just for the sake of inking some white papers? - but the truth is, it's a satisfaction to me. I want to let go of my feelings. I want to let go of the burden I've been shouldering all by myself. Yes, I do feel lonely. It's just enough with being alone for most of the time. Lonely? It's a total disaster. 
So far, I have drawn six doodles based on the themes given by Mr. Parker. I think that's a good achievement. I should have thanked Mr. Parker for creating this Inktober2016 because I'm driven to  improve my drawing skills. Not to forget, I gradually found my signature drawing and yeah, it feels good to finally have one of your own. My drawing habit is also nurtured days by days. My fingers are no longer stiff to run curves on papers. I know I'm way behind with the Inktober2016. October is approaching its end and yet, I only have six doodles. Nonetheless, I'll keep on drawing until I finish all the themes given. 
Oh, by the way. With the themes that Mr. Parker has laid out, I also incorporate them with a sense of loving couple. AND THAT DOUBLE UP THE CHALLENGE!

Here are the doodles I created ; 

theme: Rock
theme: Broken

"we're not broken, just bend. and we can learn to love again"
  
theme: Lost

without you, i'm lost

theme: Jump

i jump over the moon whenever i think about you

theme: Transport

someday, we shall transport together to the world of ours

theme: Worried

we are of two different people - i'm always be the worried one while you're
the worried-less. even so, it is this difference that would make us
complement to each other. i hope you can stand with my insanely never-
ending worries. slap me if you must.

theme: Tree

i'd like to build a family tree with you. would you, too?



umpama esok ber-enggan sama aku

akhirnya, aku berjaya mengharung tujuh hari tujuh malam di melaka. demi hidup aku yang tersisa, pulang ke sana bukanlah sesuatu yang aku sukakan. malah, aku benci. percayalah - meluapluap kebencian aku ni. tapi, kesumat begini takkan pernah boleh difahamkan. aku sukar menyuluh sebab musababnya, maka, jalan pintasnya adalah ber-olok-olok suka. suka untuk pulang walau jiwa meronta mahu dilepaskan pergi.

pernah kau tonton adegan layar seorang gadis dirogol jantan keparat?
begitu lah soul aku - terseksa.
sehabis kudrat aku ingin lari - biar terhapus jejak jasad ini, terhilang saja tak perlu dikenangkenang lagi.
benteng pertahanan aku makin hari, makin meng-haus nipis, kau tahu? panahan-panahan selumbar sudah mula mencelah dan menerobos segenap inci dinding-dinding jantung. harfiahnya, aku betul-betul sakit.

tahan sikit, In.

itu lah mantera aku.
tapi.
my blue skies could fade to grey.

daya aku ketandusan.
lalu aku memilih sekali lagi jalan pintas - sakitkanlah apa jua yang ada asalkan angina meluput. 

-

"you look super thin...stop your diet"
"which photo?"
"your latest photo. you hardly have width"
"macam mana nak makan"
"i don't know if you find it attractive, but i don't...and it's up to you to take my advice. take care of yourself - alwaysss"
"i wonder how people eat"
"come on lah...makan je kott. you don't need to count your calories intake. it's already absurd at this point. it's killing you"
"you ni iqbaaaaaal. selalu buat aku nak nangis"
"well, i'm just telling you this...because i bother to care. please take a good care of yourself"

-

i won't make any suicidal scene.
enough with the thoughts of it keep replaying in my head.





lining up my fashion

ok.
i fuck up again. i'm broken for the same, same reason. i hate it. and that broken-hearted-emotion-stuff hits me to the rock bottom that i lose my appetite. i even starve myself because i want to take away the emotional pain. i know and i don't expect anyone of you to understand why the hell i do such hurting acts on my flesh and bones but just know that emotional pain is way, way painfuller than physical pain. i don't mind at all letting my tummy empty for more than 12 hours. i just couldn't get over the fact that i'm being hurt AGAIN.
so.
the obvious impact i get is my weight decreases massively. i haven't looked like a skinny one but people start to notice that my outfits are baggy and loose. even when i wear my kebaya, it doesn't fit me nicely. i now start to wear again my shirts and blouses which i used to wear back when i was in Auckland (i was diagnosed to suffer from eating disorder, hence my body was shrinking). i now eat less which i find it, is okay. what more, my budget is quite restricted now because i'm putting a huge amount to my savings for my future. i am told i'm being extreme - well, i don't care. one thing for sure, i run towards what i truly want. by hook or by crook, that's it.
anyway.
on a side  note, i look quite ok in a few of photos LOL
i don't know why i suddenly have this model-ish feeling hahaha

here are my work and casual outfits.
enjoy!

at times i need to rest my eyes, hence the nerdy look

about to feed my kids with extra knowledge on friday night

being a teacher requires me to be outstation too

and weekends are never that boring if i opt for outing

so loose, so don't care

the indian-malay-cultures combination

the palazzo drapes nicely, accentuating my figure



hari jubah dan selamat hari guru

























kejayaan semalam --
adalah kejayaan bersama.
terima kasih kepada mereka -
yang menjadik guru-guru aku selama ni.
these robe and scroll are for you guys :')



selasa bersama Val #32

"what do you like to do, Fara?"

salah satu soalan Val masa awal-awal kami bertemu empat mata, yakni pada hari selasa aku datang ke bilik dia. selasa yang bakal mengubah hidup aku. selasa yang pertama.

"i like arts"
"oh? that's nice. what kind of arts?"
"em...i like to draw...sometimes i like to do some handcrafts"
"so--"
"but, i stop doing those things...i don't do arts anymore"
"why...?"

mata aku terkalih ke dinding belakang Val. hakikatnya, aku tak mahu lagi bertentang mata dengan Val. aku tak nak dia tahu yang soalan "why" itu sebenarnya membukak pedih aku.

***

aku hantarkan salah satu hasil seni pada dia. gembira - itu yang aku ingat. begitu excited nak tunjuk pada kekasih hati yang aku ni seorang artis dalam dunia kecil ciptaan sendiri.
whatsapp berbalas.

"banyak nya masa you. macam kanak-kanak" - dia.

seperti dilambung tinggi dan terderai di lantai - gitu lah rasanya bilamana orang yang aku sayangkan (ketika itu) meranap saki-baki semangat aku untuk menghadap hari-hari esok.

***

"why Fara...?", suara Val mengetuk layar memori lama.

mata aku kembali berpusat pada Val. perlahan, aku mengatur ayat dan meluahkan bahawasanya orang-orang seperti kekasih hati itu telahpun memadamkan nafsu berahi aku untuk berkarya. betul - bukan dia seorang saja yang menyerang sendi jiwa seni aku. ada lagi yang melaku-sama. aku give up, senang cerita.

"ok, do you mind if i give you a homework?"

aku angkat kening.
Morrie Schwartz pernah kasi homework pada Mitch Albom ke?

"what is it?"
"today, i would like you to draw"
"drawing what?"
"anything", Val tersenyum.

ah, senyuman apa tu?!

"anything?"
"yes, anything"
"it doesn't matter whether it's a sad one or a happy one?"
"doesn't matter. you can draw anything you like and i want you to show to me the next tuesday"

***

homework pertama

seorang aku, kata Val, telah diluahkan dalam sebuah lukisan di atas. gadis itu adalah aku. seorang yang cantik di luar tapi berbirat di dalam. kalau dibanding-banding sisi kiri dan kanan, dia tahu yang aku sedang sakit. mata yang tertutup dengan titisan yang hadir. bibir yang hitam dan sedang melurut jatuh serta urai rambut yang kusut, tak bersikat. tak ada sinar, what a shame.
tambah Val, dia mahu sisi kanan gadis itu terhadir semula - yang matanya adalah galak dan ceria, bibir merah yang tersenyum dan rambut yang disisir elok bersama reben. dia yakin yang sisi kanan gadis masih lagi bernyawa. cumanya - gadis perlukan jalan pulang.

maka, langkah pertama gadis - seni.

awal-awal kerja rumah aku bertemakan sedih.
bukan Val yang tetapkan. malah, bukan aku sendiri.
cuma, tangan aku yang menarikan rentak ni.

terkadang, aku cuma mahu bermain dengan warna.
sebab effort mewarna sedikit kurang daripada melukis + mewarna.

kebetulan, aku kena buat presentation tentang praktikum di Auckland.
orang lain guna PowerPoint, aku je yang pakai document camera dan
lukisan-lukisan aku.

aku beralih ke satu level yang lain - mewarna atas kanvas.

kemudian, aku cuba melukis dan mewarna atas kanvas.
tak lama lepas tu, aku belajar buat kraft atas kanvas.

daripada fasa me-layu, tangan aku rupanya mula menarikan rentak lain.
stroke aku berjinak menggariskan senyuman pada watak-watak.

tapi, hari tak selalunya cerah. rasa pedih tetap ada.
and it's ok to feel that way.

empat lukisan ni, tidak lagi bercerita tentang aku sahaja.
ianya lebih kepada tentang hubungan baru aku.

hari selasa terakhir bersama Val, aku hadiahkan ini.

#selftherapy
#selftherapyproject
#tuesdaywithVal


generasi 11 #6

wear our shoes, then you'll know how it feels

it's been awhile i didn't write anything related to tesl course, eit? oh well, my life is a bit jumpy lately and everyday, i have things to look forward to.
i know, some of you might have read my updates from other social networking sources and some might not have any clues what's going on to me. well, i'll save the story in the next post (if God permits), so stay tune, people.

anyway.

today i don't have any specific topic (regarding tesl) to be discussed with. after all, i didn't get any emails anymore from strangers, asking about tesl. i bet, my blog has pretty heaps of information? i don't know. i hope those links on the right side (referring to tesl : generasi #1, #2, #3, #4 and #5) have helped people in so many ways.

it's just that i would like to highlight what the photo up there has said.

seriously - ayat last tu memang betul-betul WIN.


fasa hidup seterusnya - kerja

first, aku nak cakap yang sebulan lepas, aku tutup blog secara tiba-tiba sebab aku tak nak students aku jejak sampai ke sini. terlalu banyak yang aku kongsikan dalam kertas putih bawangmerahsquared dan sebagai seorang guru (yang profesional - kononnya), aku lebih suka untuk menjarakkan diri daripada para pelajar. they don't have to know a lot about me. it's just enough for both parties to be stood on a professional teacher-student relationship; nothing else.

tapi sekarang, aku dah habis praktikum. hampir kesemua my networking sites are unprivated again (i.e instagram, twitter and facebook). new people are welcomed to follow me, but not to be my friends on the facebook lah. i am choosy when it comes to accepting friend requests. so, please don't take things too personal. it's just me and i have my own preferences.

anyway.
panjang mukadimah aku.

introducing my mentor - Madam Hadariah Sanusi

sepanjang duabelas minggu aku ber-praktikum kat MRSM Johor Bahru, terlalu banyak ilmu yang aku kutipkan. aku kerja (secara literalnya) dari siang ke malam. hari-hari aku dimulakan seawal 6.00 pagi dan berakhir pada 12.00 tengahmalam. aku akan masuk mengajar kesemua kelas yang dipegang mentor, yakni satu kelas tingkatan dua (2 Elnath), satu kelas tingkatan tiga (3 Deneb) dan tiga kelas tingkatan empat (4 Achernar, 4 Deneb dan 4 Gacrux). kadang-kadang, aku ngajar satu lagi kelas tingkatan tiga (3 Elnath) sebab guru mereka belum habis berpantang. 
so, boleh nampak tak betapa sibuknya hari-hari praktikum aku?
itu baru cerita tentang kerja mutlak yang mengkehendakikan aku untuk punch in sebelum pukul 7.40 pagi dan punch out selepas pukul 1.00 petang.
belum lagi masuk pasal aku buat kelas tuisyen hampir setiap malam dengan budak-budak tingkatan tiga dan tingkatan empat.
yang ni aku cerita lain kali lah.

introducing my form two kids - 2 Elnath (girls)

introducing my form two kids - 2 Elnath (boys) 

introducing my form three kids - 3 Deneb

introducing my form four kids - 4 Achernar 

introducing my form four kids - 4 Deneb
whiteboard kelas tak pernah cukup ruang untuk aku  menyampaikan ilmu
*sigh*

missing in action - 4 Gacrux.
actually, aku tak perlu pun buat ni semua. cukup sekadar menjadik seorang mentee (yang mana kerjanya is less than a qualified teacher). but being me, i just couldn't help it. i myself offered my mentor a helping hand sebab, kalau tak cekau peluang gini, celah mana aku nak improve diri aku sebagai seorang guru bahasa inggeris ?
penat - ye, memang penat. kerja mana yang tak penat ?
mengajar dah satu hal. pastu, aku dilatih menanda kertas peperiksaan. tak cukup dengan tu, aku diberi tugas menjaga dewan peperiksaan. dan aku pernah stay di bilik Unit Peperiksaan dan Penilaian Maktab (UPPM) sehingga lebih pukul lima petang, semata-mata untuk menyediakan kertas soalan peperiksaan semester dua tingkatan empat (the whole batch). ala, aku pun suka buat kerja pengkeranian ni. tak bosan - duduk, dengar lagu dan stapler kertas. SENANG. jangan kau salah sangka pulak - aku tak buat soalan tapi aku tahu aa soalan apa yang keluar. 
sebab tu dua minggu berturut-turut aku drill budak-budak aku menulis esei yang confirm akan masuk peperiksaan. ni bukan perihal soalan bocor ok. aku cuma mengajar format penulisan dan hal ini dah dipersetujui oleh mentor aku sendiri. 
bila aku mengajar budak-budak, aku selalu kasi dorang kerja rumah. bukan apa, when it comes to writing, this skill demands you to do a lot of practice in order to sustain or to improve your level of English competency. not only the writing skill, other skills are essential too and you still need to practice them from time to time.
senang cerita, tengok diri aku sendiri. 
aku sebenarnya dah lama tak menulis, be it in Malay or English. aku sedar, kemahiran menulis aku makin meluntur dan berkarat. kemahiran berkomunikasi apatah lagi. terasa sungguh kesukarannya bila aku berborak sama John Hope (pensyarah aku) tempoh hari di MRSM Johor Bahru. maklum lah, living in Malay society tends to influence me to speak a mix language. unlike in Auckland, New Zealand, by hook or by crook i have to be well-conversed especially in meeting my counselor and GP. 

rindu kat John Hope sangat-sangat :'(

so, back to my point. pelajar-pelajar aku memang dapat banyak latihan penulisan dan latihan tatabahasa daripada aku sendiri. dan of course, meja kerja aku tersusun dengan kertas-kertas latihan budak - dari tingkatan dua sampai lah ke tingkatan empat. because they had shown me their effort to complete my taskS, i then took an initiave to appreciate the effort by marking all the students' papers. yes, ALL.

ni baru SEBAHAGIAN meja aku

jadik, boleh kau bayangkan berapa banyak kertas yang aku menanda sehari-hari? 
ini bukan mata pelajaran matematik, sejarah ataupun geografi yang hanya menuntut pelajar memberi jawapan definit, konkrit dan berfakta.
ini bahasa inggeris - ilmu yang abstrak dan subjektif. maka, mental aku disesah untuk meneliti setiap satu idea-idea pelajar berbentukkan ayat berperenggan.

so now, do you still want to argue with me that being a teacher is an easy-peasy job?
think again. 

selain skop akademik, ada jugak aku diruangkan mendidik anak-anak bangsa kita (pergh...ayat tak boleh bla). i know i'm not a mother to them, jadik, bebelan aku takde lah serupa mak nenek. instead, i regard myself as a sister, hence, my approach is more casual, friendly and swag (i reckon HAHAHA).
that's why after a month of staying in that school, aku dah pegang banyak rahsia budak-budak. punya la rapat tak rapat aku ni dengan students 
*wink*

apa-apa pun, though i'm quite close to the students, tapi, aku lah paling sikit dapat hadiah fizikal daripada mereka, berbanding kawan-kawan praktikum aku.
hahaha
TAPI.
semua tu langsung tak penting. 
seriously.
sebab, apa yang penting - ilmu.
i learned too many things from that school.

for that, thank you MRSM Johor Bahru.
until next time - cheers.


selasa bersama Val #17

today i learn something new.
there's no such thing as cutting just a little bit. NO. if you start having a knife, that is so fucking not good. 
i was not ok for the last couple of days - seriously, i was not. so, i thought, maybe having a small cut would be ok. would be just enough. would be satisfied me so much.
but i was totally wrong. the first five cuts were not THAT enough for me. perhaps, the next five cuts were the same thing too - never enough, i must say.
i only stopped it when i heard Val on the line.

and the rest is history.

***

so, yeah. there is no such thing as "just a little bit".
this is what we call, addiction, people.

if you are an alcoholic and you suddenly bought yourself a bottle of wine or beer or whatever, you will end up finishing it in a go. maybe you would first say "only for one shot", but hey, that's bullshit.
it's kinda similar with my case.
only that i have addiction with a knife, not alcohol.

don't ask me why.
that is just one of my black days.
the damage has been done, ok.
and it's time to bounce back.

kuat lah, wahai aku.

i'm a human being.
human makes mistakes.
no matter how many times
 the same mistakes are made.


okay

11.45 am

+ nua, kawan in from welly datang and ajak lunch
+ don't think boleh skype nanti

- haha
- okay
- please don't think

+ kalau tak think, it should be what then ?
+ haaaa

- stop thinking
- start talking

+ HAHAHAHA
+ nua ni, apa lah
+ nua

[ hantar foto ]

+ baju ni, ok kan ?

***


i assume you guys can know his
response towards my question above

boyss.



ada sebab aku bersolek

dalam konteks kehidupan aku, bersolek bermaksud kau pakai cc cream, compact powder, contact lenses, brown eye liner, mascara, blusher, vaseline dan lip ice sheer colour. lain-lain, takde dan tak perlu lagi buat masa sekarang. ikutkan hati, nak je aku pakai concealer dan eyebrow pencil tapi takde peruntukan lah nak beli. lagipun, aku takde lagi asas kemahiran nak pakai tu semua. skill eye liner baru je improve tahun ni. IMPROVE ok. bukannya master. dalam erti kata lain, kadang-kadang tu, ada beberapa kali tangan aku terbabas masa pakai eye liner. entah lah. i don't know why at times, my hands do shaking out of sudden. bila dah jadik macam tu, terpaksa bersihkan muka and pakai balik eye liner. jadik, aku ni tak sehebat mana tang makeup ber-makeup. jauh sekali nak pakai bulu mata palsu ke, lipstik ke hape ke. haaaa...
overall, aku bersolek terrrr-sangat nipis (nota untuk future husband : awak tengok, confident gila kan saya dengan natural beauty sendiri? kehkehkeh)
aha, itu, kalau aku ada masa dan rajin nak bersolek. kalau datang mood pemalas aku, jangan kan eye liner - cc cream pun aku tak pakai hokkaayy

sekurang-kurangnya, ada dua occasion yang memaksa aku untuk ber-makeup. pertama, ketika temujanji aku dengan GP. dan kedua, ketika ada majlis atau keraian seperti sambutan hari raya umno. for my appointment with my medical team, aku memang berikan sepenuh dedikasi terhadap penampilan aku. aku akan bersiap lebih kurang satu jam - yakni, bermula daripada pemilihan pakaian, tudung, kasut dan akhir sekali, alat solek. i will wear all of them dengan rasa keyakinan diri paling best sekali.


foto diambil beberapa minit sebelum diri melangkah
pergi ke universiti untuk temujanji bersama GP


TAPI.
temujanji tempoh hari merupakan kegagalan pertama aku dalam menyampaikan mesej "hi doctor, today i'm fine". aku sakit kepala starting from the late morning. aku cuma baring dan tidur. badan rasa lemah sikit yet i couldn't really bother about it. bagi aku, mungkin after few hours of sleeping, the tiredness and headache would just go away. 
apparently, they didn't. aku bangkit lima belas minit sebelum appointment aku. dengan kepala tingtong, aku cepat-cepat bersiap. pergi tandas, cuci muka. masuk bilik dan sauk mana-mana baju yang ada kat rak. serius tak sempat nak bersolek. nasib baik tudung bawal aku tak buat hal - senang nak bentuk and terletak elok. aku sampai kat health center lebih kurang tiga minit sebelum pukul empat.
ah, selamat gila. kalau terlewat, tak pasal-pasal kena denda NZD 10.

***

GP
farahin, you look pale today from the last time i saw you.

aku
er...

GP
i'm worried about you.

aku
maybe because i have headache couple times in this week. i'm not sure if the meds is working.

GP
there are several factors considering about the meds. how's your eating?

aku
well, i take my breakfast...lunch...and sometimes dinner.
i still wake up during the night time.

GP
at what time?

aku
three. sometimes, two in the morning.

GP
how about we do some blood test? you're really pale. i am so worried.

***

ok, instead of aku kena denda NZD 10, i was some kind being ripped off almost NZD 200 for doing the blood test. 
what. a. mazel. tov.

hakikatnya, memang bibir aku sedikit pucat sejak aku cuba menjadi seorang vegetarian. aku dah lama perasan sejak tahun lepas lagi. dalam diet aku yang sekarang ni, tak ada dah ayam, daging dan ikan. telur pun, aku dah jarang sangat amek. kalau ada sekalipun, mungkin telur tu ada dalam bentuk biskut, kek atau kuih-muih. susu - aku amek susu kacang badam, bukan susu lembu atau susu kambing. keju - hanya sesekali dalam seminggu.


ini lah muka sakit aku.
tanpa secalit make up pun


konklusinya, sebab utama aku bersolek adalah untuk berselindung daripada GP aku. but, since that day of my appointment, i'm not sure if hiding the real truth from my GP is quite a good call.
perhaps, after this, i shouldn't put any make up at all ?
i'm not sure.