lose it!

My next psychotherapy is going to be on 21st August 2017 (Monday) and having said that, I'm going to be MCed by my therapist, Dr. Aishah.

I don't know what to expect from her. But, one thing for sure, I know I'm not ok. Why?

Because I'm having this idea of killing myself in my head, over and over again. I'd like to do an experiment - living without food. Or, we call it 'starvation'. So far, the experiment is a bit failure. I still consume food, but not in my usual amount. I restrict myself extremely so that I can feel the pain of hunger. I read about how starvation works on killing a person (read here). It's brilliant, I would say.

Anyway,

My previous weigh was 46kg (it was during Eid celebration). And now my weight drops to 43.7kg. It's an achievement, don't you think?

I'm gonna hit until 40kg and if I could reach it, it won't be impossible to stretch further till 35kg.

They say human can survive for two weeks without food. But s/he can't survive after three days without water. In relation to that, I also limit myself from drinking water. At first, it was quite miserable to only drink once or twice per day. But, as my body starts to get used to the new 'routine' I think I'm ok. I still can walk, run, teach, talk and laugh with people in my surrounding. I still can move my ass off from the bed and perform my pointless daily life. 

I STILL AM HERE.

I know this suicidal act is a slow process. But I'm getting there, eventually.

Someday, somehow, I really hope that on one fine day, I won't wake up from my bed anymore.

inspired by mr. bennington

my school is sucks. and i hate it so much.

if ever people say "hey, have a nice day", you tell me - how am i supposed to get that nice day if i'm currently living in a hell?

i still can't believe i'm breathing here, in this deep shit hole. until now, i still ask him, when is he going to kill me. and his answer is always "when we are together". oh, come on. that won't happen. i know that for sure. his idea is that - we get together and if he can't stand with my BPD illness, he's going to take away my life and then, he'll kill himself. the end.

i can't do the suicidal act anymore 'cause i don't own my stash. all my pills were taken by my housemate.

cutting?

it's not even on the list 'cause i don't own any blades either. all i have with me is my rubber band. rubber band is ok - that's what is given by my auckland medical team members. but knife, or blade, or razor is totally a no-no.

i'm fine with the rubber band. in fact, i feel satisfied whenever i pull it so hard that it hurts my skin. good thing, it gives me more or less the same pain when i did cutting. except, now, there's no blood scattering around the floor.

alright.

so, i don't have the stash.

i don't have the sharp tools.

all i have is nothing. i'm a bit jealous with him 'cause he gets his phentermine to curb his appetite. i wish i could have the same thing too :(

anyway. because of those shits reasons that put me into here, i decided to starve myself. i told him, perhaps starvation could lead me to death. he laughed. he said, no, it won't do as long as you keep being hydrated.

i don't believe in him.

the first day i restricted myself, it was nothing new. well, i did starve back in auckland. therefore, doing it all over again is nothing peculiar. only that, i felt a bit tired that i had to go back home and lied myself on bed - doing nothing. it was challenging enough. my tummy felt kind of sting. so i gobbled up some popcorn and ended them with water. it relieved me. then i led my day as usual. if ever i felt awful again, i took the popcorn and munched bits by bits with water. most of the time, i only drank water to keep me sane.

i went to bed with empty stomach actually. that night, i was awaken by the pain at the abdomen. i knew i needed to eat. i sat straight, grabbed some popcorn and ate it until i was ok.

the next morning, i went to school without any food. i kept myself busy. classes after classes until i forgot i needed to feed the tummy. i went back home, restlessly. one thing for sure, i just had to distract myself by closing my eyes and sleep. i did it. and it worked.

today is the third day of my starvation. i still depend on popcorn and water. plus, several kuih raya and love letters. but, like i said, most of the time, i'm going to drink lots of water. it's zero calories. so, it's good.

i haven't looked skinny. thus, i think, it's ok. people won't notice what i'm currently doing. all i have to say to them "i'm eating, don't worry. i'm ok. everything's under control"

let's hope i shall make it till the last breath of mine :')

homework

Hi. 

It's Sunday today. And my stupid school is having a programme which I'm supposed to attend to. But, it's Sunday guys. People don't go to work on Sundays, unless you run a business. So, I told myself, I won't go to the programme. Besides, it's fucking bullshit. People here just seek for attention - by all means, it's public attention. For God's sake, you don't have to call out media to publicize your kindness. If you want to give tuition to those needy kids, come on, just do it. Keep it low and that's it. Why the hell you need to make it all gaga and ask everyone else in this school to join your parade?

MORON.

Anyway.

I'm currently half way through Dr. Aishah's homework. It was the ninth therapy session  I went to. And for each session, she proposed me new ideas to think about. Or, reflect. So, yeah. Doing her homework is actually to reflect on everything. It's never easy to do it, you know. A brain surgeon has to dissect each part of your brain without making a slight mistake. While a psychiatrist, s/he has to untangle your hay-wired brain without even touch it. It must be very difficult for them. But, it's harder for me.  

I can't forgive myself.

Up until now.

Though Val forgave me for whatever shits I did - attempting suicide twice, overdosing multiple pills, self-harming, throwing things away in room, starving for hours, fucking up my job - I still can't.

 I just can't.

As Gregory House once said,

"dying is easy. living is hard"

m.e.i

It is clearly well-known that disclosing about mental sickness is such a taboo especially in our malay society. I myself am still battling with stigmatization as I have faced it for quite some time. I must say that most people judge me in so many ways, to a point it hurts my emotions. Yet, God does have His mercy on me - I am lucky enough to be surrounded by those people who want to help me, or at least, try to understand my sickness.

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BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder is marked by extremes in emotionality, most notably affecting social relationships with loved ones and in the workplace. Emotional dysregulation, self-harm, depression and suicidality — these are the markers of BPD, a deeply challenging disorder for both sufferers and loved ones. BPD is the third leading killer of women aged 15 to 24, and one out of 10 adults with BPD die by suicide.

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As for now, I do think I'm making a progress in my therapy although of course, at times, I have my own melt down and my mind explodes out of craziness.

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Besides having an intention to spread this mental awareness, I merely want to express my gratitude of having my family and friends who would stick around me. Thank you :')