episod lapan : buku

kalau diingat-ingat, difikir-fikir, ditafsir-tafsir, semuanya tampak unrealistic. semacam ilusi optik. atau fatarmogana barangkali.

maka, selama ini, apa perasaannya hanya dongengan semata?

dikocak-kocak peristiwa di tangga putar sebelah computer lab, betul-betul buat aku hilang akal dan termati kata. yang pasti, kepercayaan aku yang dia milik dulu, sudah ghaib.

dia kini hilang dua benda - aku dan kepercayaan aku.

dan aku.

aku hilang hampir segalanya.

jiwa aku kering dan kontang tanpa dia.

aku me-layu sejak peristiwa empatbelas.

sejujurnya, dia lah satu-satunya penyambung riwayat aku.

tapi, hakikat katakan dia lah pemutus nyawa aku kini.

***

"awak..."

di celah-celah rak buku, aku angkat muka, lantas tepat mata mengena pada wajah sayunya. terkedu dan tangan yang menggenggam Oxford Dictionary 7th Edition, Websters Dictionary, Oxford Thesaurus terkulai.

"ALLAH!"

sekilas beberapa pasang mata di setiap meja perpustakaan tujahkan pandangan pada taburan buku-buku. aku cepat pungut. kuat sangat jatuhan tadi sampai berjaya pecahkan iklim kesunyian perpustakaan.

damn.

"sorry" dia hulurkan.

"forget it"

"i mean it"

"it's over"

"it's never over"

aku, kali ini, berani mencerlungnya.

ini silap dia.

ini silap dia.

ini silap dia.

bukan aku!

dia diam. tidak langsung melarikan pandangan dan terus-menerus membalas cerlungan aku.

"saya tahu apa saya buat" dingin intonasinya.

"tapi awak tak sedar kesannya" aku balas tajam.

dia tarik nafas dan keluhan berat benar-benar kedengaran di balik cuping aku.

"nah" dia ambil sesuatu dari rak buku.

bulan tak bermadu di fatehpur sikri.

a. samad said.

"perasaan saya masih lagi sama. tak pernah berubah. mungkin boleh disamakan dengan mansor. saya harap, satu hari nanti kita dua jadik macam diorang - mansor dan zawiyah"

dia hulur.

aku sambut.

dia pergi.

***

"a. samad said?" yasmin tilik buku nipis tersebut.

"diam diam diam. jangan nak sebut apa-apa"

yasmin senyum simpul. aku buat bodoh. mungkin 'dewa' sangat kalau aku baca karya sasterawan negara. beza sungguh; budak-budak repeat AS sibuk habiskan king henry the forth, aku pula sibuk menelaah bulan tak bermadu di fatehpur sikri. budak tesl macam aku berenang dalam lautan sastera melayu? kontra habis.

"bawang, first part dahsyatnya" yasmin kasi komen.

"yang mana?"

"ni ha. mansor dengan zawiyah" yasmin tersenyum-senyum.

"mana satu?" aku cuba jenguk bahagian yang dikatanya.

"owh...yang ni..." aku gelak.

"ye la, dahsyat"

"eleh. tu baru sikit tau. yang kat belakang, lagi la"

"macam real kan?" aku soal yasmin, sekadar minta pandangan.

"haah. tapi best"

"tu la...siapa kata karya a. samad said tak best? best tau"

"bahasa dia takdelah -"

"susah sangat. kan?"

yasmin angguk.

mansor.

zawiyah.

dia.

aku.

'mungkin boleh disamakan dengan mansor'

+betul kah?

+betul...

+tapi.

+In, jadik, selama ni kau tak percaya dia?

+bukan.

+ dah tu?

+ percaya tu memang la percaya. tapi cuba pikir balik.

+amende?

+kalau pikirkan, eish. tergamak dia.

+mungkin dia ada sebab.

+ sebab apa?

+tanyalah dia.

'saya percaya, awak ada sebab yang munasabah'

tiga minit.

lima minit.

sepuluh minit.

'thank you awak'

'please, jangan buat lagi. ok?'

'i won't'

'promise?'

'with all my heart'

'so...' 

it was a long night for both of us after all.

a night with laughter and stuff.

***

"saya tak mintak pun apa-apa"

kali ini, aku mesti menolak bungkusan daripada dia.

mesti.

"takpe lah. yang ni memang In kena terima. awak dapat fourteen tau. fourteen"

"iye...tau"

"dah tu?"

"saya nak yang lain boleh?" aku sengih. ok, mengada sebenarnya.

"oo...memilih ye"

"em...In nak apa?" dia soal.

"buku"

"hadiah yang ni?"

"In simpan lah"

"ewah ewah. tamaknya budak kecik ni!"

"biau lah"

"biau biau. mula dah dengan loghat dia"

"sukati la. bluek"

"ya la ya la. hang nak pa?"

"haa...dah start la tu. nak challenge loghat melaka eh"

"takdak lah. ha, hang nak pa tadi?"

"nak buku"

"hang nak buku? buat pa nya?"

"laa...baca la. takkan nak bancuh buat ayaq kott"

"ya la...mana tau kan. hang bukan betoi sangat pun. sekali pikiaq benda-benda lain, susah jadiknya"

aku mencebik. dahsyat la dia ni. kalau dah cakap utara, habis mengalir semua sekali macam air. tak boleh nak stop dah.

"buku apa-apa. tapi bukan english"

"aik. tak nak english?"

"tak mau"

"bukan In tesl ke?"

"ingat budak tesl kena baca english je ke?"

dia buat muka.

mula la tu nak mengejek aku.

nakal betul.

"hmmm...kalau nak bagi, buat masa sekarang, tak boleh lah" dia pintakan simpati.

"alaaa...nak jugak"

"mengada"

"biau lah" aku tarik muka.

"camni lah. jumpa saya kat...kat library. esok. waktu rehat. amacam?"

"buat apa?" kening aku berkerut.

***

khamis - 28.01.10

"awak sure ke buku tu ada kat rak ni?"

dah lebih sepuluh minit aku mengekor dia. dari satu rak ke satu rak. dari satu seksyen ke satu seksyen. penat kaki.

"sure...sure...kalau takde, mesti orang lain pinjam. hari tu saya nampak area sini"

"itu hari tu...ke area belah sana?" aku telunjukkan rak di seberang.

"tak mungkin..." dia terus melilau cari.

"kita try pergi sana"

"awak...kita try pergi sana lah. dah masuk lima kali kita pusing-pusing tempat ni" aku makin paksa dia.

"em...ok...ok. kita try sana"

"ada?" masih lagi mengekor. kaki naik lenguh.

"jap..."

"saya duduk sana dulu lah. penat"

"ha, ni dia''

cinta fahsuri.

a. samad said.

aku sambut. belek. buku kali ini lebih tebal sedikit daripada yang dulu. penulis tetap orang sama.

pandai dia meneka rasa aku.

"tapi yang ni zaman perang. but still, it's awesome, tau"

aku pandang dia.

melirik senyuman satu untuk dia.

"pandai pilih. mana tau saya start suka a. samad said?"

"well...tengok orang lah" diakhirinya dengan gelak kecil.

hek eleh.

tak boleh blah.

"buku dulu, In suka tak?"

"suka!" aku excited. tiba-tiba je.

"mesti suka part mansor dengan zawiyah kan. pastu mula terbayang-bayangkan saya" dia ketawa nakal.

"yyeeeuuuwwww. perasan!"

"ada lagi satu buku saya nak bagi In tapi tunggu kita habis A2 lah"

"alaaaaaa"

"tak boleh tak boleh. tak boleh kasi sekarang. ni final semester kita bersama. saya nak kita sama-sama fight for the best. saya promise, buku tu, saya hadiahkan awak nanti"

"alorh, takmo la hadiah-hadiah. awak buat saya guilty tau tak"

"guilty apa pulak?"

"takde lah. saya tak nak relationship kita ni is based on materials. i don't want it that way. saya tak nak awak terbeban-"

"terbeban?"

"look. i'm not the kind of girl yang awak pernah jumpa sebelum-sebelum ni. i'm not that typical lady who yearns materials or what not. i'm not-"

"In"

"dengar dulu"

"awak tau tak saya sangat-sangat sensitif soal duit? saya tak mau awak habiskan duit semata-mata nak belikan saya itu ini. saya tak nak ok"

"tapi ni buku" dia cuba argue.

"kalau macam tu, bagi saya tajuknya. biar saya beli. saya yang nak baca"

"In-"

"awak"

tegang.

"awak lupa ke?" aku soal dia.

"lupa?" dia berkerut.

"mungkin saya patut send so that awak ingat sampai bila-bila" lalu aku keluarkan handphone dari kocek.

menu - messaging - write new - text message

dia keluarkan handphone pula.

'i just need you'

aku pandang mukanya tepat dan mengharapkan dia betul-betul mengerti sedalam-dalamnya maksud aku.

"kalau saya bagi awak itu ini, itu hak saya" dia berkata lembut.

"dan adalah hak saya untuk menolak pemberian awak" aku balas.

dia diam.

"apa?" aku tak puas hati.

"In!" serentak dia hentak meja. 

aku terkejut. 

dia berubah. 

aku statik. 

beku.

"soal duit, soal hadiah, soal beri. semua tu, tak patut buat kita macam ni!"

aku alihkan pandangan.

terguris sedikit dengan tengkingannya. air mata cuba aku tahan.

aku telan dalam-dalam perangai barannya.

tapi ada betul katanya itu.

mengapa perlu timbulkan isu ini jika ia hanya meranapkan kami berdua?

bertekak kerana duit. kerana hadiah. kerana beri.

tak patut semua tu.

"nak habis rehat dah. jom lah..." akhirnya, itu saja yang mampu aku katakan.

aku bangun. cinta fahsuri aku kepitkan untuk dibawa ke kaunter.

"In, i'm sorry..."

aku pusing ke belakang.

sekali lagi, wajahnya sungguh sayu.

sekelip itu dia kembali menjadi kekasih aku.

"it's ok. bukan salah awak. salah saya besar-besarkan isu tu. saya yang salah"

ada pasang, ada surut.

ada tenang, ada gelora.

fasa kali ini menguji kami berdua.

menjerat kami dalam dimensi berbalah-balah.

tak mengapalah, sayang.

badai macam mana sekalipun,

biar kita harung sama-sama.

-tamat-

hari jubah dan selamat hari guru

kejayaan semalam --

adalah kejayaan bersama.

terima kasih kepada mereka -

yang menjadik guru-guru aku selama ni.

these robe and scroll are for you guys :')

keamanan

before i proceed to today's topic, i'd like to show you how drastically i was in keeping my blog for the past two years. i just realize that the number has dropped significantly, showing that i was in a real deep shit from 2012 to 2014. take a look on it.

from 105 to 45, to 29 - which wows me in awe
(click for a larger view)

anyway, that's just an interlude before we go to our serious business. takde lah serius mana but what i'm about to talk about is something we, as a human being, experience in our life - relationship. and this time, i'm totally being open and i'll talk about relationship between males and females.

AWKKKWARRRDDDDD 

yup, that's right. o wait, disebabkan aku taknak lah sound funny blabbering about this topic (because i am no way close to the title a relationship expert), i might as well talk in english - feel less awkward gitu hahaha

so, i was watching this video produced by an Asian vlogger and after one video to another video, it so happened i already watched 63 videos of hers in a day! from there, i just knew she broke up with her boyfriend who is also a vlogger/actor/tv host, after two years of dating. fun thing about her, in this one particular video, she was live performing a song she wrote about a cat in which the lyric was really symbolic and metaphor-ed on her current situation. she got her ex on the same stage and the three of them (her singing partner, the boyfriend and herself) seemed to enjoy the sing occasion.

i like this girl because she played it cool, though i know it must be hard for her. what more the boyfriend once said - hey we can be friends. 

i myself underwent several failures in relationship and if i were to count all of them, it should be four times. yup, four times babe. the first relationship was not even a relationship because i was rejected by the guy. the second one, i rejected my ex because i couldn't have a feeling on him, plus, he was a bit pushy (sorry!). the third relationship was complicated and long story cut into short, he got married with someone else. the last one - i was left by the guy without any further notice/signal/clue/warning. kiranya, gantung tak bertali lah. and the worst part is, i was attacked (i considered it as an attack) by his current girlfriend (what the fuck). so, upon the attack, i told myself - o, that's completely over between you and me.

i never feel proud with these episodes going on in my life because they leave me with scars, pain, agony and the feel of "you're a loser". but, the truth is, they are part of the reasons of making me to become who i am now. i learn a lot - REAL a lot and one of the lessons learned is that, i need to forgive and to forget. oh yeah, the latter one, of course, i can't do it in a go, seriously. it takes awhile to move on, ergo, i have to allow myself giving the me as much time as i need so that i'll be ok again and healed. 

this so-called meditation (which is to forgive and forget) leads me to make a peace with those exes. you heard me, gal - make a peace yaww.

well, some people don't get it - how the hell i am, to be totally ok in keeping in touch with these guys who once broke my heart. the rule is simple - reconcile with the person, telling him that this relationship is not gonna work and we both need to be apart, provided it has to be in a good term. it's like you're saying "i'm out of here and you should too. but keep in mind, this is for the best for both of us. i'm happy with this decision. you're happy with this decision. and we can always come back and be together as FRIENDS).
i make a peace with all of them except the last one (maybe some time in the near future we will catch up and reconcile, who knows right?). i made a point that i am still his friend that perhaps we can go for a coffee or talk on phone or hang out for a movie or what ever. BUT. it has to be on a different level of relationship - no more lovey dovey stuff. it has to be as clean as it is because i'm not gonna go back to the shit we both once did. lucky me, the exes got the message and that's why i still can bid them birthday wishes, say hello via whatsapp, crack some jokes on phone and sometimes, go back to the past and laugh to the silliness of us two. 

to me, THAT'S the beauty of making a peace with your ex(es).

so, my point is, no doubt it's difficult to get over with your break up, thus, take as much time as you want as long as you get back on your feet and work your fucking asshole. after all, life goes on and you need to keep on moving. don't limit yourself and don't get cemented by your past. just believe that maybe, someday, you might bump into that one significant other of yours at the right time and at the right place. from there, you still can create your own fairy tale and IF it's meant to be not working again, it's ok. pat your shoulder and say "at least you've tried".

also, if you could, please make a peace with the person you used to love, adore and care. there's nothing wrong to put up a white flag together and be friends again. 

don't you think so?

p/s : as i said earlier, i'm not a relationship expert. this is just my opinion based on my true experiences.

harap maklum.

please come back home - suatu ketika dulu

there was one time, i was in a deep shit, i didn't know where to go and to whom should i speak to. i felt i was all alone, i had no one in this whole world and i thought i would fuck up in any thing i do in my life. i distant myself from most of people i know, including my housemates in which i barely talked to them even though we lived under the same roof. life was sort of bleak and black as if i was out of a glow to light up the darkness i faced.

so, after quite some time i was deadly silent, suddenly an email popped out from my gmail inbox, with its title "i miss you". it was from my big brother, asking me, where had i gone and what happened to me. he sounded worried behind every word he wrote.

and the email was finally enclosed with an attachment of a song by fort minor - where'd you go.

to his surprise, i replied the email, telling that i was in a bad condition and i was afraid if he couldn't process it if we met up. the 'bad condition' was referring to my physical appearance whereby i was diagnosed to have an eating disorder and was prone to anorexia.  at that time, i was like 38-39 kg and i was bony - seriously.  and my emailed was enclosed with this video - 
  

generasi 11 #6

wear our shoes, then you'll know how it feels

it's been awhile i didn't write anything related to tesl course, eit? oh well, my life is a bit jumpy lately and everyday, i have things to look forward to.

i know, some of you might have read my updates from other social networking sources and some might not have any clues what's going on to me. well, i'll save the story in the next post (if God permits), so stay tune, people.

anyway.

today i don't have any specific topic (regarding tesl) to be discussed with. after all, i didn't get any emails anymore from strangers, asking about tesl. i bet, my blog has pretty heaps of information? i don't know. i hope those links on the right side (referring to tesl : generasi #1, #2, #3, #4 and #5) have helped people in so many ways.

it's just that i would like to highlight what the photo up there has said.

seriously - ayat last tu memang betul-betul WIN.

fasa hidup seterusnya - kerja

first, aku nak cakap yang sebulan lepas, aku tutup blog secara tiba-tiba sebab aku tak nak students aku jejak sampai ke sini. terlalu banyak yang aku kongsikan dalam kertas putih bawangmerahsquared dan sebagai seorang guru (yang profesional - kononnya), aku lebih suka untuk menjarakkan diri daripada para pelajar. they don't have to know a lot about me. it's just enough for both parties to be stood on a professional teacher-student relationship; nothing else.

tapi sekarang, aku dah habis praktikum. hampir kesemua my networking sites are unprivated again (i.e instagram, twitter and facebook). new people are welcomed to follow me, but not to be my friends on the facebook lah. i am choosy when it comes to accepting friend requests. so, please don't take things too personal. it's just me and i have my own preferences.

anyway.

panjang mukadimah aku.

introducing my mentor - Madam Hadariah Sanusi

sepanjang duabelas minggu aku ber-praktikum kat MRSM Johor Bahru, terlalu banyak ilmu yang aku kutipkan. aku kerja (secara literalnya) dari siang ke malam. hari-hari aku dimulakan seawal 6.00 pagi dan berakhir pada 12.00 tengahmalam. aku akan masuk mengajar kesemua kelas yang dipegang mentor, yakni satu kelas tingkatan dua (2 Elnath), satu kelas tingkatan tiga (3 Deneb) dan tiga kelas tingkatan empat (4 Achernar, 4 Deneb dan 4 Gacrux). kadang-kadang, aku ngajar satu lagi kelas tingkatan tiga (3 Elnath) sebab guru mereka belum habis berpantang. 

so, boleh nampak tak betapa sibuknya hari-hari praktikum aku?

itu baru cerita tentang kerja mutlak yang mengkehendakikan aku untuk punch in sebelum pukul 7.40 pagi dan punch out selepas pukul 1.00 petang.

belum lagi masuk pasal aku buat kelas tuisyen hampir setiap malam dengan budak-budak tingkatan tiga dan tingkatan empat.

yang ni aku cerita lain kali lah.

introducing my form two kids - 2 Elnath (girls)

introducing my form two kids - 2 Elnath (boys) 

introducing my form three kids - 3 Deneb

introducing my form four kids - 4 Achernar 

introducing my form four kids - 4 Deneb
whiteboard kelas tak pernah cukup ruang untuk aku  menyampaikan ilmu
*sigh*

missing in action - 4 Gacrux.

actually, aku tak perlu pun buat ni semua. cukup sekadar menjadik seorang mentee (yang mana kerjanya is less than a qualified teacher). but being me, i just couldn't help it. i myself offered my mentor a helping hand sebab, kalau tak cekau peluang gini, celah mana aku nak improve diri aku sebagai seorang guru bahasa inggeris ?

penat - ye, memang penat. kerja mana yang tak penat ?

mengajar dah satu hal. pastu, aku dilatih menanda kertas peperiksaan. tak cukup dengan tu, aku diberi tugas menjaga dewan peperiksaan. dan aku pernah stay di bilik Unit Peperiksaan dan Penilaian Maktab (UPPM) sehingga lebih pukul lima petang, semata-mata untuk menyediakan kertas soalan peperiksaan semester dua tingkatan empat (the whole batch). ala, aku pun suka buat kerja pengkeranian ni. tak bosan - duduk, dengar lagu dan stapler kertas. SENANG. jangan kau salah sangka pulak - aku tak buat soalan tapi aku tahu aa soalan apa yang keluar. 

sebab tu dua minggu berturut-turut aku drill budak-budak aku menulis esei yang confirm akan masuk peperiksaan. ni bukan perihal soalan bocor ok. aku cuma mengajar format penulisan dan hal ini dah dipersetujui oleh mentor aku sendiri. 

bila aku mengajar budak-budak, aku selalu kasi dorang kerja rumah. bukan apa, when it comes to writing, this skill demands you to do a lot of practice in order to sustain or to improve your level of English competency. not only the writing skill, other skills are essential too and you still need to practice them from time to time.

senang cerita, tengok diri aku sendiri. 

aku sebenarnya dah lama tak menulis, be it in Malay or English. aku sedar, kemahiran menulis aku makin meluntur dan berkarat. kemahiran berkomunikasi apatah lagi. terasa sungguh kesukarannya bila aku berborak sama John Hope (pensyarah aku) tempoh hari di MRSM Johor Bahru. maklum lah, living in Malay society tends to influence me to speak a mix language. unlike in Auckland, New Zealand, by hook or by crook i have to be well-conversed especially in meeting my counselor and GP. 

rindu kat John Hope sangat-sangat :'(

so, back to my point. pelajar-pelajar aku memang dapat banyak latihan penulisan dan latihan tatabahasa daripada aku sendiri. dan of course, meja kerja aku tersusun dengan kertas-kertas latihan budak - dari tingkatan dua sampai lah ke tingkatan empat. because they had shown me their effort to complete my taskS, i then took an initiave to appreciate the effort by marking all the students' papers. yes, ALL.

ni baru SEBAHAGIAN meja aku

jadik, boleh kau bayangkan berapa banyak kertas yang aku menanda sehari-hari? 

ini bukan mata pelajaran matematik, sejarah ataupun geografi yang hanya menuntut pelajar memberi jawapan definit, konkrit dan berfakta.

ini bahasa inggeris - ilmu yang abstrak dan subjektif. maka, mental aku disesah untuk meneliti setiap satu idea-idea pelajar berbentukkan ayat berperenggan.

so now, do you still want to argue with me that being a teacher is an easy-peasy job?

think again. 

selain skop akademik, ada jugak aku diruangkan mendidik anak-anak bangsa kita (pergh...ayat tak boleh bla). i know i'm not a mother to them, jadik, bebelan aku takde lah serupa mak nenek. instead, i regard myself as a sister, hence, my approach is more casual, friendly and swag (i reckon HAHAHA).

that's why after a month of staying in that school, aku dah pegang banyak rahsia budak-budak. punya la rapat tak rapat aku ni dengan students 

*wink*

apa-apa pun, though i'm quite close to the students, tapi, aku lah paling sikit dapat hadiah fizikal daripada mereka, berbanding kawan-kawan praktikum aku.

hahaha

TAPI.

semua tu langsung tak penting. 

seriously.

sebab, apa yang penting - ilmu.

i learned too many things from that school.

for that, thank you MRSM Johor Bahru.

until next time - cheers.

selasa bersama Val #10

In behavioural management, we learn that there are ways to prevent and to deal with maladaptive attitudes. It's the same thing with what I learn in my counselling sessions. Val give me several techniques, be it preventive or curative, so that I can bring back home and practice them. I must say, some of her homework/techniques are not working on me, therefore I have to let her know about it and she will propose me another techniques. The point is, we are of different individuals with different identities and characters. So, there are multiple of trial-and-errors. Some people might find that A is working on them, some will say "it isn't working". Some people might feel "yeah, this B technique is ok with me" and some might say otherwise. Because of this trial-and-error practices, the treatment to cure from self-harming addiction is extensive. It is a long way process  and as a patient, no doubt, there is a point I want to give up along the way. Yet, my medical team will always, always support me and that's why I always have to have a faith in the process.

Ok, even though I am not completely cured, I just want to share with those who are in the same shoes with me, some curative methods. Of course these tricks are not as stinging as cutting or burning (apparently I stop cutting but I start burning myself with an iron - ok, this is another story. We leave it there for awhile), but the pain from the tricks could be helpful. At least, they won't leave you any marks, so, the feeling of being ashamed for seeing the marks, won't appear.

Last year - I still have the blood stain on
my room's carpet.

1. Rubber band

Always have a rubber band on your wrist. 

I promised Val I won't harm myself anymore, provided she allows me to use this alternative. All I do is, every time I'm overwhelmed by my negative feelings that I feel my chest is tightened, I will pull the rubber band as much as I can and I will let it go. I do that several times until I feel a relief. Surely, it isn't that bad because it doesn't leave you any scars. It still gives you some pain, though.

Usually, this redness will disappear in five to 
seven days. It depends on how 
much you pull the rubber band.
(please ignore my scars on the arm)

2. Cold water

Always standby with a bottle of cold water in your fridge. To make it even awesome, have some ices in your freezer. Once you are in the state of panic attack, run to the kitchen, grab the cold water and put it in a basin. Add some ices too. Then, surface or immerse your face into the basin. You'll feel a sting of coldness on your cheeks. Do it several times until you are satisfied. I tried this cold water trick once. I was in a bathroom in a holiday house. The tap water was icy cold and because at that moment I hate looking at my figure on the bathroom mirror, I suddenly dump my face into the water. I did feel the pain and again, it didn't leave me any marks on my face. That's why no one knows about it, except you guys who are reading this haha

So, try this cold water trick if the rubber band trick is not working.

If the cold water is too much extreme for you, try to hold an ice cube instead. Well, this trick is so-so for me. I tried it several times actually and I don't think it works on me. This is because whenever I'm having a panic attack, my body temperature is sky-rocketing so the ice cube quickly melts before it gives me a powerful pain. Talking about body temperature, sometimes I even sweat although the place I sat was about 16-ish degree Celsius. Well, different people will have different body reactions. So learn your body bits by bits. 

I think, that's all I want to talk about. There are heaps of knowledge I learn and I am more than happy to share with you here. However, with loads of information I'm going to tell you, still, it is up to you whether to take them on board or not. The call is yours.

Cheers.

cuti musim panas : pesta tanglung

tahun ni adalah tahun keempat aku berada di perantauan. dan tahun ni adalah tahun ketiga aku pergi ke pesta tanglung di tanah auckland. pada tahun kedua, aku tak dapat pergi sebab aku pulang dari tanah melayu lewat sangat. masa tu, first time balik rumah after eight months being away (literally) from the family. so, bukan main lagi aku lepaskan rindu-homesick segala bagai. bila dah besar sikit, aku decide takmo duduk rumah lama-lama. jadik, i was back in the auckland city lil bit earlier - yakni, 22 februari 2012. then, bila dah besar banyak, bertambah-tambah awal aku beli tiket kuala lumpur-auckland, that is, 28 disember 2013.

errr..paham tak aku cakap ni?

ok-ok, aku buat senarai tarikh-tarikh tiket aku :

tahun pertama

auckland-kuala lumpur 

24 november 2011

kuala lumpur-auckland

22 februari 2012

tempoh bercuti di malaysia - tiga bulan (secara kasar)

tahun kedua

auckland-kuala lumpur

07 november 2012

kuala-lumpur-auckland

18 februari 2013

tempoh bercuti di malaysia - tiga bulan (secara kasar)

tahun ketiga

auckland-kuala lumpur

28 november 2013

kuala lumpur-auckland

28 disember 2013

tempoh bercuti di malaysia - satu bulan

***

i must say that i'm proud to not spending such a long time in malaysia. at least, kalau habiskan musim panas di tanah auckland, tahap bahasa inggeris aku tak lah berkarat sungguh. paling tidak pun, aku akan speaking once in a day dengan my medical team, sheryll, jurulatih-jurulatih gantang di gym atau pekerja-pekerja countdown. lagi best, ini adalah tahun terakhir pengajian aku sebagai anak rantauan. tak syok lah kalau dok lama sangat kat melaka tu. otak tak berkembang, beb. karang bulan jun dah nak back for good dah. ingat senang ke nak dapat kehidupan yang jauh dari abah umi? haaaa...

so, bagi aku, keputusan untuk balik malaysia selama sebulan sahaja adalah tepat. terrrr-sangat tepat :)

malam tadi, aku, yasmin dengan nadzirah pakat-pakat nak pergi pesta tanglung. tahun-tahun sudah, pesta tanglung taklah seawal gini. aku pikir, dia ikut peredaran bulan kott - makin lama, makin awal. serupa jugak dengan puasa (jeng jeng jeng). kalau puasa awal, raya pun awal jugak kan? kan? kan? kan?

nak balik rombau lah ! #eh

dalam perancangan, kitorang nak huhahuha sesama kitorang je. well, it's partaayyy baby. mesti lah berjoli-sakan. tapi, bak kata pepatah, kita ni merancang. Tuhan yang menentukan. kebetulan, ada dua orang budak bachelor of arts (aka pelajar tesl kolej mara seremban) baru sampai ke tanah auckland siang tu. sebagai seorang senior yang budiman (ehem) dan seorang kakak yang taklah-nampak-macam-seorang-kakak-pun (sebab aku awet muda, ok), kitorang ajak budak-budak tu pergi sekali ke pesta tanglung. 

bila tengok diorang tu, tak habis-habis memori tahun pertama berputar dalam kepala otak aku. aku ingat lagi, aku pakai cukup tebal walaupun masa tu musim panas. hidung aku pulak berair dan aku dapat selsema. kak nina susah-susah bawak kitorang pergi pesta tanglung dan layan kerenah DAN JAWAB SOALAN KAMI YANG TAH PAPE-PAPE. 

aahhh...those days --

[ mata bergenang ]

dah, tak nak bebel lagi.

mohon jemput melihat gambar-gambar pesta tanglung terakhir aku.

perlu diketahui ya, kamera aku kamera cikai. mana gambar yang lawa tu, kira nasib je. kamera orang lain canggih-canggih. jealous iolls.

sebenarnya pesta tanglung berlangsung tiga hari tiga malam

tapi aku pergi sehari je. itupun, waktu malam.
kalau  nak pergi tengahari, boleh.

cuma, kalau pergi tengahari, kau nak tengok apa?
tanglung bukan menyala

ada macam-macam tanglung sekitar taman albert ni

ada tanglung yang pernah aku tengok sebelum ni. ada yang belum lagi

naga ni, kurang pasti dia ada ke tak tahun lepas.
kecik je dia ni. aku pukul kang

tanglung ni pun not bad.
bila duduk bawah pokok ni, fefeeling romantik sikit

aku dapat tangkap gambar tanglung-tanglung dengan jelas
lepas ramai orang dah balik

aku ronda kat taman albert sampai
lampu tanglung dimatikan kott

kiranya, aku balik apartment lewat sikit aa.
kau jangan nak report abah umi, ok?

tanglung pahlawan kuda. ha, tahun ni tahun kuda.
perasan tak?

si penari dan si jelata.

tokoh-tokoh ilmuwan (kononnya)

pakcik jual teh

entah 

ni lah acara kemuncak pesta tanglung - melihat bunga api dari menara auckland
oh yeh !

yang paling rendah tu, yang paling muda usianya HAHAHA

macam biasa -
gambar bersama yasmin sememangnya wajibbulghunnah

ini, kalau ditakdirkan aku berkenduri kahwin,
mereka kena dapat seat VVIP
friends till jannah gittew [ muntah hijau ]

cuti musim panas : "in a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit..."

walaupun dalam entri sebelum ni aku menggalakkan kamu (terutamanya budak-budak tesl kolej mara seremban) menonton filem/drama inggeris tanpa sari kata, tapi, dalam kes-kes terpencil, adanya pengecualian untuk mewajibkan diri memakai sari kata. without subtitles, you might get lost and it's kinda pointless to watch the show. kes-kes terpencil yang aku maksudkan adalah filem/drama yang sarat dengan jargon. contohnya, house m.d atau siri the lord of the rings.

cuti musim panas bulan lepas (januari), aku habiskan tiga hari tiga malam menonton layar perak arahan peter jackson di kaca tv plasma. well, tv plasma apartment gua memang boleh cucuk pendrive pun, and then kau boleh fefeeling macam duduk dalam cinema. kiranya, memang layan habis ah - tak payah aku susah-susah keluarkan NZD 16 beli tiket wayang. heh.

ok, aku bukanlah peminat filem epik fantasi ni. in fact, aku tak pernah tahu jalan cerita dia.

serius, AKU. TAK. TAHU.

dan bilamana aku pulang semula ke tanah auckland aritu (28 disember 2013), yasmin dengan nadzirah tak habis-habis suruh aku tengok the hobbit : the desolation of smaug. aku dah pernah dah tengok the hobbit : an unexpected journey, tapi aku tertidur kat wayang tiga kali which that made me missed three scenes of the show #loser

pastu, nadzirah siap suggest aku dengar lagu ni,

memang layan la kan?

the thing is, aku sebenarnya dah blurr dah pasal the hobbit : an unexpected journey. senang cerita, aku lupa sungguh jalan cerita dia. kalau nak cakap pasal the lord of the rings (ketika itu), memang takkan mampu la derr. so, memandangkan aku ni jenis berinkuiri tinggi dan jenis menanya soalan "amenda la best sangat cerita peter jackson ni wehhh", aku amek inisiatif nak tengok siri the lord of the rings dan the hobbit : an unexpected journey. sebab tu senang-senang je tiga hari tiga malam cuti aku hangus gitu. 

sekarang, ehem.

YE - peter jackson memang legend. no wonder sambutan filem-filem dia lain macam. dan orang tak putus-putus nak pergi hobbiton. aku ingat, pasni aku nak pergi lagi sekali. baru betul-betul feeling !

the last time i went to hobbiton, aku tak rasa apa. nak kata happy, em...boleh laaaa. nak kata tak happy, tak jugak. cuma, bila aku tengok the lord of the rings and the hobbit, a few times i told to myself - "ni tempat kau amek gambar ni. kau perasan tak?" - sambil mata terkelip-kelip sebab tak percaya.

actually, it feels like the memory of visiting the setting is not quite there in my mind. sedikit kecewa di situ.

[ sigh ]

but anyway, here's a bit of pieces of the memory.

enjoy ! :)

***

untuk lawatan ni, aku amek pakej dari matamata i-site

boleh beli tiket terus dari matamata i-site ni, atau secara online

dari matamata i-site, bas akan berhenti selama 15 minit di the shire's rest

di the shire's rest, pelawat berpeluang membeli-belah dan berehat sebentar

kemudian, baru gerak ke ladang.
ni lah pit-stop pertama

pelawat akan dikelompokkan dalam kumpulan kecil dan diketuai seorang tour guide

mula-mula, kita jalan laluan gandalf the grey dan frodo baggins

tadaaaaa !
rumah hobbit pertama yang dijumpai

dulu, rumah-rumah ni adalah separa kekal,
yakni, ia akan dirobohkan selepas selesai penggambaran filem the lord of the rings

sekarang, rumah-rumah ni diputuskan menjadik kekal selama mana ia disyaratkan
dalam kontrak antara peter jackson dan pemilik ladang ni

ada dua jenis saiz rumah hobbit yang dibina.
satu, rumah bersaiz manusia normal

rumah bersaiz manusia normal adalah untuk plot-plot melibatkan hobbits sahaja

kedua, rumah bersaiz lebih kecil daripada manusia empat kaki

rumah kecil ni pulak, untuk plot-plot melibatkan manusia normal
seperti gandalf the grey

so, bila gandalf the grey pakai rumah bersaiz kecil,
nampak lah yang hobbit-hobbit ni sememangnya kenit

antara tinggi aku dengan tinggi seorang hobbit, tak jauh beza.
sebab tu rumah bersaiz (luar biasa) kecil ni tak
nampak kecil mana pun bila aku bergambar sama

bayangkan eh, tinggi aku ialah empat kaki sembilan inci (1.45m)
manakala tinggi seorang hobbit dikatakan dua hingga empat kaki (0.61-1.22m)

sekarang, jelas kan?

lawatan bermula di persimpangan ni.
dan diakhiri di sini jugak

kampung pertama (kott)

ni lah SEBAHAGIAN hobbiton.
ada 44 lubang rumah hobbit yang dibina kekal

rumah seorang lagenda - tak boleh masuk pun :(

ladang ni luas sangat.
tapi, masa lawatan yang diperuntukkan adalah lebih kurang 30-40 minit

aku cadangkan, seeloknya, lawat lah pada waktu pagi.
kalau pergi selepas pukul 12 tengahari, panas terik ouh.

yang ni bukan rumah hobbit. aku kurang pasti ianya apa

papan tanda pengumuman

tak dibenarkan memancing atau mandi.
depan sana - the green dragon bar

antara replika yang dibuat untuk menjadikkan hobbiton lebih realistik

ini - bangsal (agaknya)

the green dragon bar - setiap pelawat dihidangkan minuman percuma

sebelum lawatan betul-betul diakhiri, sempat tangkap gambar tasik ni

dan amek feeling sikiitttt -
lonely :(

dari sini, nampak beberapa lubang rumah hobbit

kenangan kami bertiga yang dah pernah jejak kaki di sini 

akhir sekali, kawasan lapang yang dijadikkan tempat hobbit berparti

***

bagi aku, peminat tegar siri the lord of the rings dan the hobbit memang patut datang ke sini. tiket untuk seorang dewasa tak lah mahal - NZD 75. tak perlu bermalam di matamata. cukup kalau balik hari saja. bukan jauh pun dari tanah auckland.