hanya dua

siapa sangka, dia akan datang menjenguk lagi. memungut aku yang sudah buruk, menyudi teman aku ke dalam rangkul.

-

walau mata terkatup mati, tangan aku sudah ditangkap rayap. aku biarkan saja. lama tidak merasa hangat kulit dia. hembus nafas. sentuhan halus. apanya dari dia, langsung tidak menyakitkan sendi aku. apatah lagi meluluh dalaman aku yang sedia rapuh.

dia adalah sesuatu.

"thank you" akhirnya, aku bersuara setelah sekian, hanya bahasa tubuh menjadi medium perantaraan.

"it's nothing" dia balas.

"it's a something" aku perkemaskan susuk pautan.

"you know, i won't leave you"

"i know. that's why i say thank you"

"in ingat you won't come by here anymore. ye lah...it's been, what ? months ?" 

"months"

"see...it's been a long time, tau"

dia gelak.

"so, what's the story ?" dia menanya.

"you know it, yet, you ask me ?"

"there's no harm kan ?"

"em..."

"what em?"

"em means, takde apa"

jemari dia terus-menerus memenuh celahan jemari aku.

iye, dia yang paling faham seorang aku.

tak ada yang lain.

"i'm clean" aku buat akuan tiba-tiba.

"cuba tengok. tak ada pil dah" aku sambung.

"where's the maxolon ?"

"gone. i gave it to someone"

"others ?"

"trash"

"so..."

"no more drugs"

"that's supposed to be--"

"good. kott"

"kott?"

aku tergelak.

"aritu, birthday in. ingat tak?" aku soal.

"ingat..."

"tak datang pun..."

"sayang..."

"takde wish" aku mencebik.

"in kan--"

"apa ? sebab in ada dorang ke ?"

"ha...ah..."

"mana sama"

"in..."

"in dah lupa la what ever happen in past two years. why should i carry it along when we have our present ?"

dia senyap.

"i'm sorry. i burst out"

dia senyap lagi.

"i'm sorry..."

dan kali ni, aku peluk dia seakan tak mahu lepas, pergi.

"i miss having you here. that's all. jangan pergi lama lagi pasni, please ?"

"in...sometimes you just need to let go of some people"

"i don't want to. not to you"

"in kan ada semua orang"

"siapa? tell me, siapa"

"in, look--"

"tolong la. dah promise dengan in masa dulu kan ? you say you won't go. you won't leave me. sampai bila-bila"

"but--"

"please. don't say goodbyes. ok ? at least, not to me"

dia mengeluh.

"apa ni...kenapa ? why all the sudden ? kenapa datang kat in tapi pastu nak tinggal kan in?"

"sampai bila kita nak macam ni ?"

"sampai bila apa ? in tak faham"

"us"

"yeah, us. what's wrong with us ?"

"in dah 23"

"so ?"

"in--"

"please. please ? not. a. word."

"it hurts me" aku sampaikan kata.

"so bad, it hurts inside" aku sambung.

"i'm sorry"

aku biarkan ampun dia tergantung tinggi.

dua hari, dua malam.

berdua.

cuma aku,

dan dia.

dia saja.

bingit malam ciptaan dia

aku tarik telapak tangan, mengisyaratkan dia - tak perlu lagi ritual anti-depresi. 

"in...sini"

"nak buat apa?" aku soal.

serentak getah rambut terlepas. dan dia uraikan rambut aku satu-satu dengan berus rambut.

"one of the great joys in life is having one's hair brushed" kata dia.

letters to juliet.

"you make me sleepy lah"

"that's supposed to be good kan?"

"em"

"i'm missing...someone"

"i know..."

"missing the person sampai rasa nak nangis. sakit"

"i know..."

"like, my, my-" aku tersekat.

"i know sayang..."

"i don't like it. it hurts. this feeling, really, tears me. kenapa in macam ni ? kenapa in tak boleh jadik besi ?"

"i just wanna be strong" dan aku tekup muka dengan tangan. tak mampu dah pertahankan ego depan dia.

"shhh...it's ok. it's ok..."

perlahan-lahan, dia baringkan aku. esak aku terus bermain-main dalam iklim kami. dia bobok aku, seolah-olah aku anak kecil yang merengekkan kasih di malam hari.

lalu dia bisikkan,

take a breath, i pull myself together,

just another stair until i reach the door,

you'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you,

i wish that i could tell you something,

to take it all away

sometimes i wish i could save you,

and there's so many things that i want you to know,

i won't give up till it's over,

if it takes you forever i want you to know

when i hear you voice it's drowning in whispers,

it's just skin and bones, 

it's nothing left to take,

and no matter what i do i can't make you feel better,

if i only i could find the answer,

to help me understand

sometimes i wish i could save you,

and there's so many things that i want you to know,

i won't give up till it's over,

if it takes you forever i want you to know

that if you fall, stumble down i'll pick you up off the ground,

if you lose faith in you i'll give you strength to pull through,

tell me you won't give up 'cause i'll be waiting,

if you fall you know i'll be there for you

if only i could find the answer,

to take it all away

sometimes i wish i could save you

and there's so many things that i want you to know

i won't give up till it's over

if it takes you forever i want you to know

i wish i could save you, 

i want you to know

i wish i could save you

"lagu apa tu..."

"save you. simple plan"

malam pekat, dia kekal rangkul aku.

tak pernah lekang.

dan aku sempat rayukan sesuatu,

"jangan tinggalkan in" 

dendang sayang

"bak kata pak long,
this is the music you choose, so you'll dance with it.
jadik, i dance along"

-

aku pandang siling.
kosong.
kata-kata tu terus-menerus replay dalam kepala aku. lebih kurang gitu susun atur ayat.
adoi...
tangan kanan urut-urut ubun kepala.
bila la nak dapat nikmat tidur. hai-la otak, kenapa kau tak nak shut down ? dah pekat malam dah, kau memang degil nak fikir itu ini kan ?

tutup lah mata woi.

tutup.

tutup.

tutup.

"in ?"

terbukak.

"hai"

dia.

"tak dapat tidur ?"
"haah"
"typical of you"

aku sengihkan senyuman malas.

"lamanya tak datang" aku sapa biasa.
"takde reason nak datang. but now, i see you macam something wrong"
"takde apa lah" aku bangkit, tepuk-tepuk bantal.

sengaja kasi dia ruang untuk duduk sebelah aku. lama dah dia tak ke mari. the last time was when i fuck up myself.

"pikir apa, in ?"
"nothing"
"muka in berkerut...dari tadi i watch you. pastu in picit-picit kepala. kenapa ? tell me"
"em..."
"sini"

dia amek telapak tangan.
satu-satu jemari aku, diurutnya.

"ok ?"
"em..." aku senyum.
"tension eh"
"just mess up dengan something"
"or someone" dia sambung.

mandai je dia ni.

"i walk around kat bawah tadi. in bawak balik ubat maxolon tu eh ?"
"haah"
"in still amek ke?"
"baru-baru ni je"
"hmmm...that's really a something-"
"nausea sikit je. maybe sebab in makan complex food time berbuka"
"iye ke ?"

eh eh dia ni.
ye ke ye ke dengan aku pulak.

"tanya je..." dia kendur suara bila perasan aku berkerut.
"mana tahu, your nausea is actually something else ?" dia sambung lagi.

sambil-sambil, telapak tangan aku diteruskan urut.

"kan in dah cuti ni. mana ada stress. duduk rumah, makan-tidur-makan-tidur"
"in stress ?"

aisey...

"tak, i'm just saying. nausea ni ada banyak reason dia kan. could be my food, my tummy-"
"your emotion. your mood. your stress. your feeling. in, seriously there's nothing wrong ke ?"
"ouch !"
"aaaa sorry sorry sorry. did i press kuat sangat ?"
"it's ok it's ok...heee...kuatnya tekan tapak tangan in" aku gelak.


padahal tak sakit pun.

sambung.

sebelas, tahun lalu

tangan kanan aku, terus berlapik dengan tangannya yang tergayut di bahu kiri. aku pandang ke atas, lalu,

"happy birthday sayang..." perlahan, dia ucapkan kalimat bermakna.

"thank you..."

aku genggam tangannya.

"how are you?"

"not that good, but, don't worry much. just a bit stress je"

aku lentokkan kepala atas ribanya saat dia beralih ke katil. selimut, aku tarikkan hingga menutup kaki.

musim luruh betul-betul membekukan partikel udara ruang persegi ini.

"sakit..." aku rintih.

"hmmm..."

"rasa nak toreh perut kadang-kadang" aku koyakkan tawa.

"perut pulak?"

"ye lah. perut yang sakit"

"in...in ingat tak last year on eleventh may?"

"ingat"

"the night of eleventh may...?"

"yup. i remember every single thing"

"i-i'm, i'm sorry i provoked you to cut yourself"

"dah la...benda dah lepas. yang penting, i accept you to be part of my life kan sekarang ni"

"in tak marah?"

"takde guna nak marah. lagipun, kan in fail nak toreh tangan"

aku dongak atas.

muka dia keruh.

mungkin rasa bersalah tebal melingkar.

"in ni memang loser. pengecut" aku luah.

"but you did the right thing. kalau tak, tak tahu apa jadik kat in sekarang ni. tak hidup agaknya"

"ye kott. entah lah. em, why did you force me to hurt myself physically?"

"i don't know"

"tak tahu?"

"maybe sebab masa tu, in kept pushing me away. i was mad. very mad" dia usap kepala aku.

"sebab tu?"

dia angguk.

"tahu tak kenapa i can accept you to be here with me now?"

"kenapa?"

"sebab, at least, in tahu in ada someone in this four walls. i don't want to be alone. you know that well enough kan?" 

"tahu..."

"so, jangan la simply go away. be here even when in marah-marah. i know, my temper can go beyond the limit but that is who i am. lagipun, do know, i never meant anything whenever i go fucking mad. kalau dulu in boleh accept all your provocation, takkan you tak boleh accept my temper? it's a win-win situation. fair and square"

"ye la sayang" 

"hah, bunyik tak puas hati la tu"

"la, apa pulak tak puas hati. kan in cakap i should accept you. yes, i'm accepting you"

"benci lah" aku terus bangkit.

laptop dicapai.

facebook.

"i feel bad actually"

"about what?" aku pandang dia.

"about you. i wish you'll be happier each day"

"i am happy"

"you're in mess"

4 notifications.

"your weight keeps decreasing-"

"bagus lah tu"

"no...now you sakit pulak. apa ni, in?"

"apa nya?"

1 message.

"apa semua ni?"

"em?" mata melekat kuat pada skrin.

"you're in mess. sedar tak?!"

aku dengus.

"look, ingat in mintak nak sakit ke?"

"no, that's not what i'm saying"

"you sound so. i don't ask this ok. i've got piles of assignment nak kena siapkan. dengan test, dengan kuiz-"

"then, kenapa tak jaga diri betul-betul?"

"how should i? pardon my body system yang tak synchronize between the brain and the tummy. my brain send the message, saying i'm ok not having any food at this particular time. tapi, my tummy tak dapat-dapat that kind of message. so sekarang, still nak salah kan in ke?"

"in ni degil lah"

"lah, ini apa attack my stubborn pulak?"

"malas nak cakap dengan in"

"tengok. in baru je cakap-"

"in..."

"apa?"

dia rangkul.

lesap.

lagi.

hakikatnya, bukan

"look" aku angkat salah satu pasu kecil bertanamkan pokok renek dari tingkap unjur yang berhabuk halus dan tunjukkan pada dia. 

dia senyum. senyum seperti keterpaksaan demi aku. atau mungkin, itu memang dia. sentiasa senyum. 

"looks good" 

"siram pakai air yassin" aku jawab ringkas. 

"do they kinda tell me something?" 

"telling you what?" aku letak balik. 

"the plants getting much better. in-" 

"in ok" 

aku terus beredar dari tingkap unjur yang berhabuk halus. kaki ni cepat-cepat mengorak ke rak buku. dan, masih kabur mahu pilih buku yang mana satu, tangan kiri hanya berlari-lari pada setiap yang tersusun. heh. bukannya aku nak baca sangat at the moment. cuma-- 

cuma mahukan sebuah escapism. 

kamus oxford. 

boleh lah. 

"how's welly?" dia soal.

"sejuk" terselak mukasurat 500. 

euthanasia (noun) - 
the practice (illegal in most countries) of killing without pain a person who is suffering from a disease that cannot be- 

"having fun over there?" 

"i like auckland more" 

cured. 
synonym to mercy kill- 

"because auckland got me?" 

bacaan senyap aku terhenti lagi. kali ni, aku tatap dia. tatap dengan affection yang infinite. 

serta-merta bibir aku merekah. 

aku tak menjawab. tapi aku tahu yang dia tahu jawapan aku. 

sejak aku benarkan dia ke sini, aku bukanlah seorang lagi. tidak lagi satu seperti dulu. memang betul, people come and people go. yet, dia adalah yang terkecuali. dia lain. dia takkan tinggalkan aku. dia bukan macam-- 

aku geleng kepala. tak mungkin. buktinya jelas. bila saja aku mahukan dia, dia terwujud. di sini, dalam ruang empat dinding ini - dia ada. untuk aku. 

"you know what in, whenever you say you're ok, you're actually defending yourself? like, you're building a wall so that people won't know-" 

"it's not defending. it's-" 

"let me finish first. this is one thing about you. you defend and you deny. you and your mechanism to living. why?" 

"haven't you heard this saying - fake it till you make it?" 

"are you faking now?" 

"is it so wrong?" 

"honesty is the best policy" 

"not in our situation here" 

"it's applicable anyway" 

"it's not" 

"IT IS" 

"WHAT IS WRONG OF FAKING MY OWN FEELING?" serentak kamus dihempas. 

"WHAT? WHAT IS SO WRONG ABOUT THAT? DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT THE SAD SMILE AND TEARS ON THIS FACE AND GO OUT THERE MEETING THOSE BUNCH OF CREATURES? YOU WANT THOSE PEOPLE TO LOOK ME AS THE WEAK ONE? DO YOU?"
"no...i'm just-" 

"I KNOW I CAN BE DAMN FRAGILE. BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW TOO, I CAN FIND MY OWN STRENGTH WITH MY VERY OWN WAY. I DON'T NEED YOU TO PROVOKE ME. BECAUSE THAT ONLY MAKES ME SICK. SICK ! TAK CUKUP KE BUAT IN SEKSA MASA DULU? TAK CUKUP LAGI KE HAH? I'VE HAD ENOUGH OK. SO STOP WITH ALL YOUR NONSENSE PROVOKING" 

"i just--i'm not provok-" 

"YES. YOU. ARE." 

"in..." 

aku tepis tangan dia. 

"go" aku panahkan arah pintu bilik. 

"why, why is it so hard to admit your own feeling, in?" 

aku seka air mata. 

bodoh. 

kenapa mesti dia ada kat sini lagi. 

 kenapa dia tak berambus. 

"you're asking me why?" dengan sendu berbaki, aku pandang dan tanyakan dia kembali. 

belakang tangan kanan menyapu air pada pipi. 

bukan sekali. tapi berkali-kali dilap, tetap tak mahu mengering. 

fuck. 

"be-cause...in..." tersekat di kerongkong, aku cuma mampu menyerah dalam dakapan dia dengan pipi basah dan jiwa yang pedih. 

di tingkap unjur yang berhabuk halus.
letaknya dua pasu kecil bertanamkan pokok renek.
mereka hakikatnya menceritakan perihal yang sebalik.
bukanlah tampak semegah yang disangka. 

bukan.

cakerawala harapan

photo by : paranoia -- 7

"in, why d'you change your diet tiba-tiba?"
"why? you don't like it ke?"

handout 210, 201...
ok, mana A4 paper ni?

"not that i don't like it. but, you're shrinking. perasan tak?"

should be enough A4 ni.
kena emel colleen...kena-

"in, dengar tak?"
"apa dia?" aku masukkan semua dalam beg galas.

done.
nice.

"tu, tengok kat leher tu"
"kenapa?"
"cuba tengok kat cermin. bones"

depan cermin, aku perhati betul-betul imbasan figura sendiri.

"ala, nampak tulang je"
"yeah yeah yeah. tulang je. tak ingat ke kak nina tegur, you look kurus? cheng pun cakap benda yang sama"
"that's because in pakai baju lain kott. so, nampak la kurus"
"ok. now explain to me. cincin dah kena pakai kat jari hantu, instead of jari manis. both seluar jeans yang you baru pakai tahun ni, you have to wear them with belt. tak kan seluar tu cepat sangat expand?"
"abah cakap, cincin ni memang kembang kecut. and nad cakap aritu, seluar jenis yang in pakai, cepat expand"
"really?"

aku angguk.

"tapi, those people tak pegang you kan? tu, your friend from welly. explain her statement please"
"what statement?"
"yang masa dia peluk in, she said you're getting small. tak kan tak perasan lagi?"

tarik nafas dalam.
pandang dia.

"ye...in perasan semua tu. tapi, doesn't mean in sakit. i just change my diet"
"that's my question. why suddenly?"
"saja"
"there's no such thing as saja"
"look, you don't like ke i'm being like this?"

dia diam.
dipegang teddy dengan muka tak puas hati.

"pain is a bless" aku sambung bicara.

sambil duduk sebelah dia,
letak tangan atas ribanya.

"from positive side, it's good when i'm hurt. because my physical too, is affected. i know, i don't eat properly ever since the 'thing' happened. but, not to worry. i've got my meds standby. i've got you by my side. i've got everything under my control. i still can focus on my academic. abah is praying for me. so does umi. i'm just losing a piece of my life. bukan the whole jigsaw puzzle. and, i am strong. do remember that. lagipun, there is someone who'll save me. the hope to be saved, is there. i believe in that"

"so, berat in dah berapa?" tiba-tiba dia tukar topik.

"hish. rahsia"

aku gelak.

"in pergi dulu ok. nanti petang in balik. payah la takde internet kat sini"
"alright...do take care tau !"
"yee...eh, tolong siramkan pokok in nanti. thank you. bye !"

pintu bilik tingkat sepuluh aku tutupkan rapat.

toleransi, bukan tagihan

"maxolon"

"shut up"

"you took"

"i have to"

"and paramax too?"

"i needed. my essay was on the table, waiting for me to write the last word. what do you expect? it's monday to be submitted"

"once an addict, always an addict"

aku berhenti menulis.

letak pen.

pandang dia yang tengah bersila atas katil.

"first - i can't help myself. second - i need them. third - i'm not an addict"

"of course you are"

"if i were an addict, i would OD on them. but the fact is, i am not. why-"

"did i mention you clearly, once an addict, always an addict? kalau dah clean bertahun-tahun pun, still-"

"now, you're provoking me huh?"

"i'm just telling you the truth"

"the truth is, taking paramax won't consider as addiction ok. my friend told me, it's a tolerance actually. i took it once, never work. i doubled the dose, it worked. but then, it's no more good. then i took much more. again and again. so that the drug will affect on my pain. i'm keeping the dose high. that's why you see me some kind like an addict. and by the way, addict is a term for people who take the harmful one. macam heroin. i only take paracetamol. bukan vicodin pun"

"what about maxolon?"

"just to avoid muntah. still, bukannya bahaya"

aku sambung buat kerja.

"in"

"em"

"come, here (sambil dia menepuk tilam)"

"stress?"

"a bit"

"upset?"

"..."

"upset?"

"i'm ok"

"you always say so"

"it doesn't hurt me at all...physically...at least"

"but it affects your emotion?"

"i wish i'm not that fragile"

dia pegang aku kemas.

gosok aku.

"i'm out of pills"

"i'm sorry i wasn't-"

"it's alright. not your fault. in je yang tak tahan. lagipun, kalau in tak amek, esei in macam mana?"

dia senyum hambar.

dingin pagi

photo by : serrah

"morning..."

dia.

makhluk pertama yang aku tatap pagi ni.

"pukul berapa...?" aku soal.

sambil menggenyeh mata dan menarik selimut, aku dekatkan jasad ke arahnya.

hangat rasanya.

"it's six thirty. but, daylight saving's ended at three just now. so, it's only five thirty in the morning"

"em..." aku pejam mata.

kelopak ni, berat yang amat mahu melawan graviti sepuluh newton.

dengan suhu auckland yang masih lagi adem, cukup untuk buat aku malas membangkit.

"in..."

"i don't wanna wake up. come on, hug me"

dia rangkul aku.

"where were you yesterday...?" aku berbisik.

"somewhere"

"somewhere but not in here?"

dia tersenyum.

"i was waiting for you" aku jujurkan.

dia hanya berdiam.

"my headchace came last night. you do know i've stopped taking my pills kan?"

dia angguk.

"and why must you weren't here, for me?"

"i..."

"everyone's leaving me kan?"

"not everyone, in"

"that's bullshit"

aku kalih dari dia.

"in?"

"i wanna be alone"

dan dia,

hilang.

sekali lagi.

sial.

pokok renek

tiba-tiba aku dicuit dari belakang.

bahu ni, terasa lembut dipegangnya.

aku toleh ke kiri bahu dan dongakkan kepala sedikit.

dia.

"kenapa?" dia tanya sepatah.

aku tarik nafas panjang.

"pokok in..." aku tunjukkan ke arah cahaya matahari menerobos masuk ke ruang bilik.

di tingkap unjur yang berhabuk halus, ada dua pasu kecil bertanamkan pokok renek. pokok renek yang tak semegah mana. entah kenapa, mereka melayu. sudah disiram, masih lagi longlai. sudah diterikkan, masih lagi lunyai. parahnya - daun dari salah satu antara mereka sudah gugur.

kenapa?

apa mereka merasakan jugak musim luruh sini?

tangan dia tidak lagi bertaut pada bahu aku. dia duduk di sisi dan menggenggam tangan kiri ini seerat mungkin. aku pejamkan mata.

"in tak siram kott?" dia cuba menelah.

terdengar sayup-sayup gelak kecilnya. mungkin saja dia sengaja mahukan aku untuk tidak,

gusar.

gundah.

atau punah.

lagi.

"siram lah..." kelopak mata diangkat, lalu aku menatap bening matanya.

"in...ok?"

"in nampak tak ok ke?"

"pokok in tak ok"

"pokok in...bukan in..."

"pokok -- pokok in ikut jiwa in"

"tak lah..."

"in..."

"in ok. cuma in risau dengan pokok in"

"risaukan diri in dulu"

aku diam. malas berdialog lagi sama dia.

lama. lama aku menjadik kosong.

terus, dia bingkas bangun.

ah, nak ke mana tu?

"cuba baca ni" dia hulurkan.

aku sambut.

dan sekejap, aku tersenyum.

"betul?" dia tanya sepatah.

aku balas dengan anggukan.

dia duduk semula di sisi. dan menggenggam tangan kiri ini seerat mungkin. aku pejamkan mata.

sekali lagi.

"the young man came to the old man seeking counsel.

i broke something, old man.

how badly is it broken?

it's in a million little pieces.

i'm afraid i can't help you.

why?

there's nothing you can do.

why?

it can't be fixed.

why?"

"it's broken beyond repair. it's in a million little pieces" aku mencelah, menghabiskan bait terakhir garapan james frey.

"broken beyond repair, in"

"yeah, i know"

"there's nothing much we can do?"

"i'm out of ideas. i'm just sick of it" aku pandang jauh.

"life is short, in. maybe-"

"there's no --

there's no, maybe, ok? no more. i'm done. we're done" aku tarikkan tangan kiri.

tidak lagi aku dan dia menggenggam.

kedua-dua kepala lutut aku bawakan ke dagu.

dan dia, terdiam.

argh.

damn it.

"life is a cycle" aku kembali bersuara.

"it's a repetition. just like a song. and what i'm going through right now, it's only a chorus. i'm used to it"

"will you be ok, in?"

"i'm always, always be ok. not to worry about me" aku gariskan sedikit senyuman, seakan memberi signal yang aku betul-betul maksudkan.

aku pergi ke arah tingkap unjur yang berhabuk halus.

salah satu pasu pokok renek diangkat.

dan aku menghadapnya, membelakangkan cahaya matahari menerobos masuk ke ruang bilik.

"do you think i'm in denial?" aku soal.

dia mengangguk.

"how far am i in denial?"

"as much as you can no longer recognize your own feeling"

"really?"

"your plants tell me the truth. your words - not at all"

"i think i'm ok. that's what i told you"

"you think?"

"yeah"

"you think and not to feel?"

"is there any difference between that?"

"of course"

"they're just the same to me"

"where's your soul?"

"what?" aku angkat kening.

"you're dying, aren't you?"

"i'm not"

"yes, you. are." dia pandang aku tepat.

aku paling.

pasu pokok renek diletak kembali.

better to put before anything happens.

"see"

"what?"

"you're running away"

"running away? heh. i am not. what's the problem here actually?"

"you"

"me? (tangan serentak ke dada). apa pulak in. berapa kali in dah cakap, i'm ok, i'm ok and i am ok. which part of the sentence can't you understand enough?"

"define your 'ok'"

"my 'ok' means, i still can breathe for the next day"

sekilat dia tarik tangan aku dan memeluk aku rapat.

"may you have the strength all the way through" dia berbisik.

"yeah..."

"bawang?" suara farah di balik pintu.

"ye?"

"makan. dinner dah siap"

"ok, thanks"

"kau tengah skype ke?"

"ha-ah..."

aku pandang semula ke arah bilik sebelum melangkah keluar.

dia masih lagi di situ.

dengan pokok renek layu, di tingkap unjur yang berhabuk halus, tingkat sepuluh.