myCupOfTea

kenapa myCupOfTea?

baru tadi aku google asal-usul frasa myCupOfTea. ouh, by the way, abang aku pernah cakap - setiap peribahasa ada jalan ceritanya. manusia tak senang-senang cipta macam tu je - ting! terus keluar peribahasa. no, no. it doesn't work that way.

"There are a large amount of different drinks available on the earth today, and many people have a preference as to what they drink. One of the more common beverages people consume is tea. In fact, tea is considered to be the most widely consumed beverage in the world next to water. Indeed, tea is a widely known drink that is enjoyed by millions of people. Thus, the idea for this phrase is that when someone or something is to a person's liking, they liken it to a cup of tea" [sumber]

so.

kenapa myCupOfTea?

sebab aku suka dia. suka tengok gaya dia, cara dia, watak dia. suka lah. tapi, seperti yang pernah aku jujurkan pada dia jua, suka tu belum cecah tahap cinta. masih merangkak-rangkak. dan dia pun bertatih lagi - kata dia lahhh. mungkin satu hari nanti, kami berdua akan jatuh cinta (insyaAllah). for the time being, aku mengikut arus. sepertinya, takdir menuliskan yang dia pemilik tulang rusuk aku. 

macam kebanyakan orang lain, kakak aku pernah tanya (ketika kami dalam kereta, baru sudah hantar umi abah tunaikan umrah) - "apa yang buat kau suka pada dia eh?"

aku termenung sekejap. 

kenapa eh?

ikutkan, rata-rata orang sekeliling aku (terutama tesl girls) tahu betapa kisah cinta aku is one kind of hell. aku mendamping rasa cinta sejak zaman kolej mara seremban lagi. patah hati toksah cakap lah. BERKALI. and my problem is always to have difficulty in moving on and getting back on my feet. azabnya la haih. to a point, aku rasa kecewa dan aku patut berhenti menyeksa jiwa raga aku. i have to be selfish, somehow.

jadik, untuk menjawab persoalan kakak, aku katakan yang aku rasa senang dengan dia. senang, as in, aku ok dengan dia. dia buat aku rasa selamat dan tenang. well, aku kan jenis panik-tak-tentu-hala. kalau diberi situasi cemas, aku mungkin dah lari lintangpukang macam orang gila. while him? sedamai kau tengok bukit hijau laksana saujana mata memandang, sebegitu lah dia. cool af.

and that's why people say - to get married is to complement each other.

seperti yang aku katakan tadi, kami berdua adalah dua manusia yang baru nak kenal hati budi. we're getting there (insyaAllah). but how do we end up to have a mutual agreement which led us to this engagement?

nanti aku cerita.

stay tuned.

for many years to come

d r e a m

janji perempuan

pada satu hari.

pada satu pagi, sebenarnya. ketika dalam perjalanan menuju ke bangi, tapi menyinggah ipoh sekejap, dari pengkalan hulu - satu ceruk tempat yang aku tercampak oleh takdir. dulu, nama pengkalan hulu - kroh. dulu. cerita dulu-dulu.

di hujung corong talian, suara perempuan sayu ditangkap aku. aku kenal nama dia bilamana dia menyebut. cuba memperkenalkan diri, tapi, ye lah, introduction-nya sekadar...introduction. aku kenal dia walau tak pernah berjumpa. tak diberi kesempatan lagi, secara tepatnya. dia tanya, aku kat mana. aku terpaksa pusing stereng. berikan signal kiri. tukar gear. tarik hand break. mengawal suara. bersandar. dan menyambung bicara.

- saya di hospital - emergency department.

+ ye, saya tahu.

- awak tahu?

+ malam tadi saya dapat panggilan daripada hospital.

- ouh...

that ouh. a tone of frustration, i would say. it's supposed to be her they contacted first. not me. never will be me. how foolish i was to disclose bits of truth. but, thing's happened. might as well go with the flow. once, and for all. 

aku mendengar butir kata dia. setekun yang aku mampu. segagah yang aku ciptakan. selarat yang aku terdaya. dia tanya lagi, apakah boleh kami dua bertemu - eyes to eyes. kepala aku bingung sekejap. aku - - aku dalam perjalanan menuju ke bangi, tapi menyinggah ipoh sekejap, dari pengkalan hulu - satu ceruk tempat yang aku tercampak oleh takdir.

esak dia semakin jelas. god. what have i done to this woman? what was i thinking? what kind of person i am? 

angina crept my bosom, taking its place as usual. i started to feel the intensity. oh shit. not now, please. 

- i know this sounds stupid tapi saya nak get back together. saya masih cintakan dia.

+ tak...tu bukan stupid. that's the best decision you could ever make. 

- tapi saya insecure. saya tahu saya ada kurang sana sini.

+ tak...tak...awak tak perlu rasa macam tu.

- saya kena tahu if there's a possibility dia - -

+ dengar sini. kalau awak nak get back together, do it. jangan risaukan apa-apa. 

+ fikirkan anak awak. kesian. anak tu tak bersalah. think about her!

- tapi, kalau saya put an effort selepas ni, and somehow dia masih cintakan - -

she cried. i froze.

but of all i know, i need to help her. even if i have to sacrifice. 

it's just enough that i have listened to too many cries from women for the past few years. they pierce my skin, envenom my blood, cripple my limbs and parch my zest. 

god does not create women for them to cry out of misery.  

+ i'm going away. far enough from your family. i'll be gone for good.

satu janji aku ciptakan.

demi dia, seorang perempuan.

daripada aku, seorang perempuan.

talian diputuskan selepas dia memberi salam. aku harap, segalanya baik-baik di sana.

kereta dipacu kembali. berikan signal kanan. tukar gear. turun hand break. tekan pedal minyak.

kuat.

laju.

rakus.

"FARAHIN !"

ketika dalam perjalanan menuju ke bangi, tapi menyinggah ipoh sekejap, dari pengkalan hulu - satu ceruk tempat yang aku tercampak oleh takdir. alam telah menyaksikan raung aku. sepertinya, Tuhan telah ciptakan aku semata untuk merasa pedih.

angina is such a pure demon.

surat untuk sara #3

ke hadapan sayangku sara,

ok. mama dah lama tak tulis surat untuk awak. bukan mama lupa kat awak, bukan sayang. mama cuma...having a difficult phase of my life. hakikatnya, mama selalu je teringat sara. kalau mama borak dengan siapa-siapa yang terdekat dengan mama, mama akan sebut nama awak (with a H at the end). 

sara,

setiap kali mama memikirkan tentang awak, mama, up to a point, will cry all by myself. to think about you means to think about my future. and to think about future is something that scares me out. mama pernah bayangkan macam mana mama kendong awak dengan dua tangan mama ni dan mama akan tersenyum. hidung awak, mata awak, bibir awak - yang mana satu akan mewaris features mama?

seseorang pernah puji mata bundar mama (gelak). kata dia, mata mama besar. mata mama can tell few things, like, my emotions...or how i feel.

entah lah. ye la kott.

besar sangat ke mata mama awak ni, sara? ihik.

sara,

ketika mama menulis surat ni dan awak sedang bacanya, mama dah cecah 26 tahun. macam-macam benda berlaku sejak kali terakhir mama tulis surat untuk awak. dalam tempoh lima tahun tu, mama hadap too many shits. too many hurdles that i have to pass them with lots of faith and prayers. mama pernah tanya pada diri sendiri - kenapa tak boleh saja aku rempuh semua tu? biar mati terus.

tapi, kalau mama buat gitu, mama selfish, kan sayang? mama takkan jumpa awak, somehow. 

so, here i am. still. 

sara,

kalau nak diceritakan the dos and don'ts in life, terlalu banyak, sayang. even so, mama akan cuba protect awak no matter what. tapi, mama nak awak belajar sendiri jugak. taste the bitter, painful of life. sebab, dengan cara tu lah, awak akan jadik kuat. kuat macam mama. atau, lebih dari tu. mama takkan selalu ada untuk sara tapi percaya lah, sayang, doa mama akan melilit jasad dan roh awak. mama akan minta pada Tuhan untuk sentiasa lindungkan anak mama yang sorang ni :')

aahh...kenapa mata mama berair ni...

sara,

i wish you wouldn't have to face whatever i face in my life. i'm a messed one. i fail to take care of myself. and if i can't do so, how can i take care of you and abang adam? but sayang, i badly want to meet you both. seriously. i don't know why. i was thinking that perhaps both of you can be my saviour. i need to be saved. 

takpe kalau mama dah putus asa dengan hidup mama. tapi, to give up on you and abang adam is a no no. at least, to meet and have you in the future is a dream that makes me hold onto this life just a little bit more. 

sara,

mama berhenti tulis sini dulu, ya sayang? mama loves you even though we haven't met yet. i'm sure God will grant me this dream in few more years from now. i just have to be patient, that's all.

till then.

i see you in the next letter.

loves,

mama

penghujung disember yang dingin

aku ingin memulakan entry ini dengan satu kata pujangga dari Josephine Hart -

"damaged people are dangerous. they know they can survive"

namun untuk aku, kurang pasti samada ianya mampu atau sebaliknya. orang-orang sekeliling aku sentiasa katakan begini "kau kuat, In" dan aku tersenyum. entah celah mana aku kuat, aku sendiri tak tersedar. yang aku tahu, bersepai seorang aku memerlukan satu daya energy yang ultimate. dan mungkin juga sedikit magic dari yang Berkuasa.

2016 sekali lagi menyaksikan jatuh-bangun aku. kalau direncanakan dalam bentuk sebuah telemovie, kisah hidup aku men-demand-kan beratus episod. silap-silap, kau jenuh nak menonton. aku penat sebenarnya. berkali-kali aku cakap gini, kott. dan bila disoal, penat-kan apa? i simply said, life.

pernah satu masa, aku bagitahu Iqbal, guru kimia tingkatan 4 & 5, yang aku mahu letakkan satu noktah dalam aliran kehidupan aku. dan menjadi seorang yang telah bergelumang dengan teori-teori sains bersifat spesifik dan terang, Iqbal, guru kimia tingkatan 4 & 5, ingin aku jelaskan siratan kata aku.

what was i trying to say?

susah kalau kita punya vocab yang terhad untuk mendeskripsikan sesuatu abstrak seperti...a hollow feeling.

akhirnya, aku balaskan Iqbal, guru kimia tingkatan 4 & 5, bahawasanya aku sedikit kepenatan dengan tugas hakiki pada hari itu.

"take a nap"

atau

"have some rest"

atau

"go to sleep now"

atau...

apa-apa je lah yang menyuruh aku untuk tidak berfikir kompleks (dalam erti kata lain, overthink) -- itu lah Iqbal, guru kimia tingkatan 4 & 5.

the thing is, this exhaustion is not something that you can simply wash  it off by sleeping and waking up with an okay. it haunts you. it drags you to hell. it kills you slowly. it's...cancerous.   

-

2016 akan berlabuh.

ada orang berstatuskan bujang. ada yang menjadi tunangan orang. ada yang...bukan lagi tunangan orang. ada juga bergelar janda. atau duda. yang menjadi isteri atau suami. dan paling menggembirakan, menjadi part of parenthood.

2017 akan ke mari.

what lies in the future?

behind the broken smile

photo by: mr. fiance

just so you know - -

and i'm fucking serious.

a letter to whom it may concern

Hi again,

So, I read your email the moment it went through and I was thinking, yeah, I should have made myself a bit busy. And here's my Saturday - 

I was supposed to do an inspection in aspuri this morning but I had to proceed with my part time job. Both were obviously collided at the same time, so, I texted my ketua aras to still do the inspection on behalf of me. I couldn't afford to let go off my part time job this time just because I went back to Melaka last weekend (remember?). Ok. I attended the job - well, it's actually an English tuition (a one-to-one and I charge the kid RM 30 per hour, what do you think?). It went good. The kid seemed to be satisfied for the first round. She told me she learnt a lot from me since before this, she only writes English based on her 9-years-experience in school. She hasn't got a proper education particularly in writing English. I kind of..er..I don't know. Pity on her? But at the same time I'm glad she was happy. The grin on her face clearly showed that she felt all this is going to be worthwhile.

Packing up my stuff in the staff room (the tuition was conducted at my working space) and quickly headed to my car. I started the engine and drove to Baling to do my grocery. It was quite surprising though because the supermarket I went to is having a renovation. I don't know since when it happens - I rarely do grocery, to be honest. I picked anything I wanted - pita bread, carrots, cabbage, lemons, maggie (curry flavour), dark chocolate bar (the small one), peanuts, frozen curry puff, french fries (thin-cut ones, just like the McD's), noodles paste (i'm bad at cooking, so I opt for something easy) and not to forget, I called my mom when I stood right in front of bakery shelves. I asked her which flour should I buy to make onde2/buah melaka. She told me it's glutinous rice flour (ah!). So, I grabbed one as well as palm sugar. Back in Auckland, I couldn't find the usual Malaysian palm sugar (the brownish black). I substituted it with palm sugar imported from China (it's very light brownish). Anyhow, the taste is closed enough to our onde2/buah melaka. Now, the only thing I couldn't find in the supermarket is desiccated coconut. I dashed to a pay counter, handed my debit card and drove back to Pengkalan Hulu.

At that time, it was already 2.30pm. My tummy was grumbling. I hadn't have anything since morning. I parked in front of a mamak stall and ordered a takeaway half-plate nasi kandar. Just then, I noticed there was a wet market next to the mamak stall. So, I went to it to get my coconut. Unlucky me, there wasn't any - "depa dah lama tak hantaq kelapa naakk" . Fine, pakcik. Fine.

Finally. Home.

Took all my grocery items and...surprise surprise. My fridge was broken down. The ice on the top compartment went melting. I was panic (as usual) but I tried to make myself cool. Oh, by the way, I'm home alone. Both my housemates went back to their hometown. They are the locals. So. The fridge. I texted the warden's whatsapp group, to whom should I contact to fix this problem. A KH teacher asked me whether the plug was functioning well or otherwise. Being me, I only studied KH for the theoretical sake, not the practicality. I asked the group again - how should I know that? Other senior wardens started responding - "you soooo cute In" "In..in..you so funny" urgghhhh I was being real and panicky and did not know what to do. How could they possibly find this isn't serious? Long story short, it was actually the adapter that wasn't working, hence shutting down the fridge. Performed the zohor prayer, ate the unappetizing nasi kandar (I will never ever buy it) and drove to a hardware shop in Pengkalan Hulu to get a new one. 

Great. The fridge is back on its feet.

5-ish in the evening.

My girls were ranting lots of stuff on the whatssapp group. One was complaining about her wedding thingy - the dress, the dates, the fiance (HAHAHA), the invitation (and I was thinking - is it this hard to organize a wedding?? oh dear). One was talking about how alone she was at the moment, hence a chocolate moist cake all by herself (what a craze). One was sharing about her course in Lenggong before posting to an MRSM. And me? Well. I just spiced up every little thing they said heeee

6.11pm.

I decided to wash my car. Parked it right in front of the so-called yard. Got the micro fiber towel and car shampoo. I ended it at 6.45pm and since I had few minutes before 7pm, I thought, perhaps I should go to aspuri to check on kids.

Oh yes. I suddenly turned into a grumpy, fierce warden. I took those names who were late to clear the block (hihi!). I bet kids were never expecting I would be there around this hour. 

Alright.

I think I need to pen off now. I have to get ready for my kids' speaking test. Besides, this reply has been a long one. 

Don't you think my Saturday is busy enough?

Thanks for the advice - appreciate it much.

Until then, take care.

I see you in the next letter.

Loves,

In.

Rx - TESL

Currently writing in the staff room while waiting for my class - -

So, hi.

We meet again. I'm still breathing (thank God). I'm still surviving (yes, I am).

I'm actually not that OK - emotionally. Physically - yes, I am. I'm doing good. I took meals these past few days. In fact, I binged eating. But, that's only for a day. The next day, I fasted from dawn till dusk. Anyway, since I know I'm not OK, I contacted Val. I whatsapped her and showed her few of my artworks. She complimented me. I was happy. Drawing is the exact medium to express my emotions. Though I draw sad faces, I manage to draw smiles at the same time. I can't lose hope. Even if the world is shutting down, I have to have a hope to be happy (at least). That's why there is a few smiles in my drawing.

In conjunction of Inktober2016, I try my best to keep up with it. It's literally a challenge for me because I have to juggle my working life as a teacher and my own personal life. Sometimes, I stay awake at night to finish up my drawing. I don't know. Some people might see it absurd - why would you torture yourself, burning the midnight oil just for the sake of inking some white papers? - but the truth is, it's a satisfaction to me. I want to let go of my feelings. I want to let go of the burden I've been shouldering all by myself. Yes, I do feel lonely. It's just enough with being alone for most of the time. Lonely? It's a total disaster. 

So far, I have drawn six doodles based on the themes given by Mr. Parker. I think that's a good achievement. I should have thanked Mr. Parker for creating this Inktober2016 because I'm driven to  improve my drawing skills. Not to forget, I gradually found my signature drawing and yeah, it feels good to finally have one of your own. My drawing habit is also nurtured days by days. My fingers are no longer stiff to run curves on papers. I know I'm way behind with the Inktober2016. October is approaching its end and yet, I only have six doodles. Nonetheless, I'll keep on drawing until I finish all the themes given. 

Oh, by the way. With the themes that Mr. Parker has laid out, I also incorporate them with a sense of loving couple. AND THAT DOUBLE UP THE CHALLENGE!

Here are the doodles I created ; 

theme: Rock
theme: Broken

"we're not broken, just bend. and we can learn to love again"

  

theme: Lost

without you, i'm lost

theme: Jump

i jump over the moon whenever i think about you

theme: Transport

someday, we shall transport together to the world of ours

theme: Worried

we are of two different people - i'm always be the worried one while you're
the worried-less. even so, it is this difference that would make us
complement to each other. i hope you can stand with my insanely never-
ending worries. slap me if you must.

theme: Tree

i'd like to build a family tree with you. would you, too?

umpama esok ber-enggan sama aku

akhirnya, aku berjaya mengharung tujuh hari tujuh malam di melaka. demi hidup aku yang tersisa, pulang ke sana bukanlah sesuatu yang aku sukakan. malah, aku benci. percayalah - meluapluap kebencian aku ni. tapi, kesumat begini takkan pernah boleh difahamkan. aku sukar menyuluh sebab musababnya, maka, jalan pintasnya adalah ber-olok-olok suka. suka untuk pulang walau jiwa meronta mahu dilepaskan pergi.

pernah kau tonton adegan layar seorang gadis dirogol jantan keparat?

begitu lah soul aku - terseksa.

sehabis kudrat aku ingin lari - biar terhapus jejak jasad ini, terhilang saja tak perlu dikenangkenang lagi.

benteng pertahanan aku makin hari, makin meng-haus nipis, kau tahu? panahan-panahan selumbar sudah mula mencelah dan menerobos segenap inci dinding-dinding jantung. harfiahnya, aku betul-betul sakit.

tahan sikit, In.

itu lah mantera aku.

tapi.

my blue skies could fade to grey.

daya aku ketandusan.

lalu aku memilih sekali lagi jalan pintas - sakitkanlah apa jua yang ada asalkan angina meluput. 

-

"you look super thin...stop your diet"

"which photo?"

"your latest photo. you hardly have width"

"macam mana nak makan"

"i don't know if you find it attractive, but i don't...and it's up to you to take my advice. take care of yourself - alwaysss"

"i wonder how people eat"

"come on lah...makan je kott. you don't need to count your calories intake. it's already absurd at this point. it's killing you"

"you ni iqbaaaaaal. selalu buat aku nak nangis"

"well, i'm just telling you this...because i bother to care. please take a good care of yourself"

-

i won't make any suicidal scene.

enough with the thoughts of it keep replaying in my head.

lining up my fashion

ok.

i fuck up again. i'm broken for the same, same reason. i hate it. and that broken-hearted-emotion-stuff hits me to the rock bottom that i lose my appetite. i even starve myself because i want to take away the emotional pain. i know and i don't expect anyone of you to understand why the hell i do such hurting acts on my flesh and bones but just know that emotional pain is way, way painfuller than physical pain. i don't mind at all letting my tummy empty for more than 12 hours. i just couldn't get over the fact that i'm being hurt AGAIN.

so.

the obvious impact i get is my weight decreases massively. i haven't looked like a skinny one but people start to notice that my outfits are baggy and loose. even when i wear my kebaya, it doesn't fit me nicely. i now start to wear again my shirts and blouses which i used to wear back when i was in Auckland (i was diagnosed to suffer from eating disorder, hence my body was shrinking). i now eat less which i find it, is okay. what more, my budget is quite restricted now because i'm putting a huge amount to my savings for my future. i am told i'm being extreme - well, i don't care. one thing for sure, i run towards what i truly want. by hook or by crook, that's it.

anyway.

on a side  note, i look quite ok in a few of photos LOL

i don't know why i suddenly have this model-ish feeling hahaha

here are my work and casual outfits.

enjoy!

at times i need to rest my eyes, hence the nerdy look

about to feed my kids with extra knowledge on friday night

being a teacher requires me to be outstation too

and weekends are never that boring if i opt for outing

so loose, so don't care

the indian-malay-cultures combination

the palazzo drapes nicely, accentuating my figure

malam yang menyorot

aku tahu, kertas putih bawangmerahsquared masih lagi bernadi. segar, aliran darah pena masih wujud. aku memilih untuk menulis di sini. sekali lagi. walau aku tahu, tak kan ada lagi dah mata-mata yang padu menilik penulisan aku.

pagi tu, aku telefon umi. pesan seorang family member - "call lah umi nanti. ucapkan terima kasih". iye lah. aku turutkan saja. malas nak bertelegah sebenarnya. malas nak menerangkan masalah yang pernah ada antara aku dengan umi. aku turutkan saja. berat jugak hati aku nak telefon umi. entah lah. kadang-kadang terpikir - anak jenis apa aku ni. berdendam tak sudah. sampai sekarang, hati rasa resah. cibai betul.

bila didail nombor, aku tak mengharapkan umi akan angkat. serius. sebab saat tu, banyak benda lintas dalam benak aku. ayat-ayat yang ada, aku sengaja ciptakan untuk bersedia menahan awkwardness antara aku dengan umi. apakan daya, panggilan bersambut. aku kaget. "umi, abah tak kerja?" - soalan aku yang pertama. selalu sangat aku buat gitu. menanya perihal lain untuk lari sekejap cuma. "abah baru je keluar pergi kerja" - umi jawab. "kenapa ni?" - umi soal pulak. "takde apa. umi sihat?" - aku mula pasangkan topeng pertahanan. "ok la. sihat macam tu" - dia jawab. "harini birthday in" - terus aku pergi ke titik borak utama. "in terlupa sebenarnya. tapi bila dok kat sekolah ni, budak-budak asek ingatkan in" - aku sambungkan titik-titik yang aku rangka tadi. "ha...ye lah. umi baru nak send whatsapp. awak dah call. umi ingat je. awak tu ha" - umi berbalas. aku senyum sumbing. "dah 26 dah anak umi ni. awak tak nak kawin ke?" - umi serang. aku rebah.

mati.