i knew this day would come

"In ada best friend?" tanya Kak Ika - kakak yang merangkap ipar sejak tiga minggu lepas.

kobis - potong halus.

lobak - hiris separa tebal.

bunga kobis - potong dadu (kalau boleh)

"sawi ada tak?", aku balaskan dengan soalan lain.

Kak Ika jenguk peti sejuk.

aku ikut dari belakang dan menjingkit.

tak ada.

hmm...takpe lah.

"In takde best friend. takkan pernah ada", aku jawab penuh jujur.

sayur tadi aku rebus.

garam dicubit sikit.

kaki ke sinki balik.

"then, you ada good friend?"

"em..haah...any friend of mine, In declare good friend je. tak kisah la laki ke perempuan"

***

hakikatnya, definisi best friend yang aku ciptakan terlalu perfect untuk diisikan seorang manusia.
ala, aku sendiri bukanlah best friend terhadap diri aku. terlalu banyak yang aku tancapkan selumbar pada jasad dan soul ini hinggakan ke satu tahap - aku ada masalah untuk memaafkan diri.

"you need to forgive yourself, Fara. give a permission to yourself"

"i can't, Val. i just, can't..."

"ok, then...should i give you my permission?"

mata aku direct menusuk wajah Val.

"yes, i'll give you my permission. i'll forgive you"

Val cuba convince aku. aku menarik sedikit garis yang melengkungkan bibir. sekali lagi, Selasa aku berakhir dengan endless questions that keep banging my head. perlahan, kaki aku diseret oleh jiwa yang meribut. seakan keduanya telah dirantai dengan bebola besi gedabak lalu membuat aku seolah-olah berjalan ke hadapan di atas escalator yang menurun.
sukar - itu yang pasti.

setiap hari, bilamana aku menilik parut di lengan, ianya tak lain tak bukan - hanya menaikkan paras sesal dan volume marah aku. setiap kali itu lah, aku memaki diri dan berlanjutan menyalahkan segala apa yang berlaku.

jadik, kalau aku sendiri punya masalah menjadik sahabat pada seorang aku, bagaimana seorang yang lain mampu mengisi kekosongan title best friend itu?

exactly

selasa bersama Val #32

"what do you like to do, Fara?"

salah satu soalan Val masa awal-awal kami bertemu empat mata, yakni pada hari selasa aku datang ke bilik dia. selasa yang bakal mengubah hidup aku. selasa yang pertama.

"i like arts"

"oh? that's nice. what kind of arts?"

"em...i like to draw...sometimes i like to do some handcrafts"

"so--"

"but, i stop doing those things...i don't do arts anymore"

"why...?"

mata aku terkalih ke dinding belakang Val. hakikatnya, aku tak mahu lagi bertentang mata dengan Val. aku tak nak dia tahu yang soalan "why" itu sebenarnya membukak pedih aku.

***

aku hantarkan salah satu hasil seni pada dia. gembira - itu yang aku ingat. begitu excited nak tunjuk pada kekasih hati yang aku ni seorang artis dalam dunia kecil ciptaan sendiri.

whatsapp berbalas.

"banyak nya masa you. macam kanak-kanak" - dia.

seperti dilambung tinggi dan terderai di lantai - gitu lah rasanya bilamana orang yang aku sayangkan (ketika itu) meranap saki-baki semangat aku untuk menghadap hari-hari esok.

***

"why Fara...?", suara Val mengetuk layar memori lama.

mata aku kembali berpusat pada Val. perlahan, aku mengatur ayat dan meluahkan bahawasanya orang-orang seperti kekasih hati itu telahpun memadamkan nafsu berahi aku untuk berkarya. betul - bukan dia seorang saja yang menyerang sendi jiwa seni aku. ada lagi yang melaku-sama. aku give up, senang cerita.

"ok, do you mind if i give you a homework?"

aku angkat kening.

Morrie Schwartz pernah kasi homework pada Mitch Albom ke?

"what is it?"

"today, i would like you to draw"

"drawing what?"

"anything", Val tersenyum.

ah, senyuman apa tu?!

"anything?"

"yes, anything"

"it doesn't matter whether it's a sad one or a happy one?"

"doesn't matter. you can draw anything you like and i want you to show to me the next tuesday"

***

homework pertama

seorang aku, kata Val, telah diluahkan dalam sebuah lukisan di atas. gadis itu adalah aku. seorang yang cantik di luar tapi berbirat di dalam. kalau dibanding-banding sisi kiri dan kanan, dia tahu yang aku sedang sakit. mata yang tertutup dengan titisan yang hadir. bibir yang hitam dan sedang melurut jatuh serta urai rambut yang kusut, tak bersikat. tak ada sinar, what a shame.
tambah Val, dia mahu sisi kanan gadis itu terhadir semula - yang matanya adalah galak dan ceria, bibir merah yang tersenyum dan rambut yang disisir elok bersama reben. dia yakin yang sisi kanan gadis masih lagi bernyawa. cumanya - gadis perlukan jalan pulang.

maka, langkah pertama gadis - seni.

awal-awal kerja rumah aku bertemakan sedih.
bukan Val yang tetapkan. malah, bukan aku sendiri.
cuma, tangan aku yang menarikan rentak ni.

terkadang, aku cuma mahu bermain dengan warna.
sebab effort mewarna sedikit kurang daripada melukis + mewarna.

kebetulan, aku kena buat presentation tentang praktikum di Auckland.
orang lain guna PowerPoint, aku je yang pakai document camera dan
lukisan-lukisan aku.

aku beralih ke satu level yang lain - mewarna atas kanvas.

kemudian, aku cuba melukis dan mewarna atas kanvas.
tak lama lepas tu, aku belajar buat kraft atas kanvas.

daripada fasa me-layu, tangan aku rupanya mula menarikan rentak lain.
stroke aku berjinak menggariskan senyuman pada watak-watak.

tapi, hari tak selalunya cerah. rasa pedih tetap ada.
and it's ok to feel that way.

empat lukisan ni, tidak lagi bercerita tentang aku sahaja.
ianya lebih kepada tentang hubungan baru aku.

hari selasa terakhir bersama Val, aku hadiahkan ini.

#selftherapy

#selftherapyproject

#tuesdaywithVal

selasa bersama Val #17

today i learn something new.
there's no such thing as cutting just a little bit. NO. if you start having a knife, that is so fucking not good. 
i was not ok for the last couple of days - seriously, i was not. so, i thought, maybe having a small cut would be ok. would be just enough. would be satisfied me so much.
but i was totally wrong. the first five cuts were not THAT enough for me. perhaps, the next five cuts were the same thing too - never enough, i must say.
i only stopped it when i heard Val on the line.

and the rest is history.

***

so, yeah. there is no such thing as "just a little bit".
this is what we call, addiction, people.

if you are an alcoholic and you suddenly bought yourself a bottle of wine or beer or whatever, you will end up finishing it in a go. maybe you would first say "only for one shot", but hey, that's bullshit.
it's kinda similar with my case.
only that i have addiction with a knife, not alcohol.

don't ask me why.
that is just one of my black days.
the damage has been done, ok.
and it's time to bounce back.

kuat lah, wahai aku.

i'm a human being.
human makes mistakes.
no matter how many times
 the same mistakes are made.

mudah untuk kau bicara

bagaimana untuk aku mulakan?

ok, hari 'istimewa' aku telah disumpah dengan amukan aku sendiri. di dalam bilik. ketika aku keseorangan. 

begini --

aku membuat panggilan jauh pagi tu. dan seiring dengan not-not dial, aku menggantungkan harapan berbaur kebahagiaan. empat kali aku menekan nombor yang sama. langsung tak diangkat, hinggalah aku menerima pesanan ringkas tidak lama kemudian. aku balaskan pesanan tersebut dengan panggilan jauh sekali lagi. 

bersahut.

aku tarik segaris senyuman.

tapi, siapa sangka, panggilan yang tak lebih daripada sepuluh minit itu disusuli dengan tangis raung aku. bermula dengan deraian air mata, perlahan, ia menjadi esakan yang menderaskan titis-titis lalu membasahkan setiap raut kertas kulit kitab.

my heart started to ache.

petanda serangan bakal mengambil alih sekejap lagi kalau-kalau aku tak mampu mengawal fasa pertama. mata terus menganak anak sungai kecil pada setiap bebolanya dan elok ia menyusur jatuh permukaan epidermis. entah kenapa, suara Val tiba-tiba diputarkan akal. 

buku.

bibir menyebut. dan sekelip, aku praktiskan teknik kawalan diri yang terlintas.

tapi,

aku terlupa satu perkata penting.

fasa pertama - nafas.

aturan nafas yang berkecamuk, kalau tak dicermat, pasti menggagalkan apa-apa di hadapan.

jelas, benar.

tahu-tahu saja, buku aku dihempas ke dinding bilik. fail dicampak ganas. kertas dirakus koyak. kotak ditendang kasar. lampu bergoyang, langsung, hampir terjatuh. dan pena yang digenggam, dihentak matanya. 

berselerakan.

sepertinya,

tak terbendung sakit di dada.

tak tertahan sakit di hati.

bagaikan dihenyak, dipijak, disentak, diragut, direjam.

haih.

selamat hari lahir, wahai aku.

pertempuran akal dan emosi sememangnya hellish disaster.

kan?

when a person asked me,  what do i want on my birthday,
i simply answered -
"happiness"

***

mudah untuk manusia-manusia sekeliling mengajar aku tentang perkara-perkara yang digemar si Raqib. nasihat-nasihat yang mengalir deras dari bibir itu, seolah-olah sangat gampang dilaksana.

"kau kena faham"

"kau kena belajar terima"

"kau kena bersangka baik"

"kau kena pikir dulu"

sungguh - senang untuk kau panculkan dogma-dogma kau. dan lidah itu, bertulangkan kata-kata malaikat, hanyalah instrumen kecil untuk kau mengangkat darjat agar tampak jauh lebih molek daripada aku.

ya kan?

ah, aku sedar, betapa i AM a damaged person. tapi, untuk sesaat cuma, aku mohon kau susurlah celahan rongga-rongga sepatu aku. 

dan rasakan apa yang aku tarungkan sehari-hari. 

HARAPAN.

terlalu tolol untuk kau fahamkan mekanisme pertarungan jiwa dan jasad seorang aku. sebab, bagi aku, only the cutters know what the cutters feel. and you can never beat my words, unless you are part of us.

takpe lah.

akan tiba, satu saat nanti, andai direzekikan kau untuk merasa apa yang aku deskripsikan di sini, aku harap kau menyesal dengan ideologi yang cuba kau suntikkan ke dalam salur darah seorang cutter.

selasa bersama Val #10

In behavioural management, we learn that there are ways to prevent and to deal with maladaptive attitudes. It's the same thing with what I learn in my counselling sessions. Val give me several techniques, be it preventive or curative, so that I can bring back home and practice them. I must say, some of her homework/techniques are not working on me, therefore I have to let her know about it and she will propose me another techniques. The point is, we are of different individuals with different identities and characters. So, there are multiple of trial-and-errors. Some people might find that A is working on them, some will say "it isn't working". Some people might feel "yeah, this B technique is ok with me" and some might say otherwise. Because of this trial-and-error practices, the treatment to cure from self-harming addiction is extensive. It is a long way process  and as a patient, no doubt, there is a point I want to give up along the way. Yet, my medical team will always, always support me and that's why I always have to have a faith in the process.

Ok, even though I am not completely cured, I just want to share with those who are in the same shoes with me, some curative methods. Of course these tricks are not as stinging as cutting or burning (apparently I stop cutting but I start burning myself with an iron - ok, this is another story. We leave it there for awhile), but the pain from the tricks could be helpful. At least, they won't leave you any marks, so, the feeling of being ashamed for seeing the marks, won't appear.

Last year - I still have the blood stain on
my room's carpet.

1. Rubber band

Always have a rubber band on your wrist. 

I promised Val I won't harm myself anymore, provided she allows me to use this alternative. All I do is, every time I'm overwhelmed by my negative feelings that I feel my chest is tightened, I will pull the rubber band as much as I can and I will let it go. I do that several times until I feel a relief. Surely, it isn't that bad because it doesn't leave you any scars. It still gives you some pain, though.

Usually, this redness will disappear in five to 
seven days. It depends on how 
much you pull the rubber band.
(please ignore my scars on the arm)

2. Cold water

Always standby with a bottle of cold water in your fridge. To make it even awesome, have some ices in your freezer. Once you are in the state of panic attack, run to the kitchen, grab the cold water and put it in a basin. Add some ices too. Then, surface or immerse your face into the basin. You'll feel a sting of coldness on your cheeks. Do it several times until you are satisfied. I tried this cold water trick once. I was in a bathroom in a holiday house. The tap water was icy cold and because at that moment I hate looking at my figure on the bathroom mirror, I suddenly dump my face into the water. I did feel the pain and again, it didn't leave me any marks on my face. That's why no one knows about it, except you guys who are reading this haha

So, try this cold water trick if the rubber band trick is not working.

If the cold water is too much extreme for you, try to hold an ice cube instead. Well, this trick is so-so for me. I tried it several times actually and I don't think it works on me. This is because whenever I'm having a panic attack, my body temperature is sky-rocketing so the ice cube quickly melts before it gives me a powerful pain. Talking about body temperature, sometimes I even sweat although the place I sat was about 16-ish degree Celsius. Well, different people will have different body reactions. So learn your body bits by bits. 

I think, that's all I want to talk about. There are heaps of knowledge I learn and I am more than happy to share with you here. However, with loads of information I'm going to tell you, still, it is up to you whether to take them on board or not. The call is yours.

Cheers.

selasa bersama Val #3

betapa aku kecundang sekali lagi depan Val. her words poked me, directly hit my soft spot and i burst into tears.

lewat tengahari - hari ahad.

aku keseorangan, literally. i thought i'm going to be ok even if i'm alone on these days because Val has taught me several techniques to deal with my emotions.

example,

1. breathe properly. 

all you need to do is to take a deep breath. breathe from your belly. inhale slowly and exhale slowly. do it for two times first. do not rush.

2. use your five senses. 

first, run your fingers to the nearest thing to you. you can run through your cheeks. feel it. do they feel warm? cold? wet? dry? relax. can you feel your back against the chair you sit on? can you feel your mattress you lie on? how does it feel? soft? hard? wriggle your fingers toes. can you feel your socks? close your eyes. listen to the sounds in your surrounding. can you hear buses honking? people on constructions yelling? the couple next door shouting and throwing things?

3. if you are crying, it's ok. 

walk several steps away from where you are now. go to the kitchen. take a glass of water and drink. slowly, take a sip. breathe. now, take another round to drink.

4. always have your phone with you. 

well, things might get worst sometimes. so, quickly reach the Youthline or Crisis team. text or call them. make sure you save both teams' numbers as the first one in your contact list. or perhaps, save them on one of your speed dials. 

***

nampak mudah. nampak senang. but believe me. it's never been easy to fight the SHA. 

try walking a mile in my shoes - i bet you won't get the slightest chance to take even one step ahead. you'll stumble the minute you attempt it.

selasa bersama Val #6

hari ni, Val bercerita tentang teori gua yang dicipta oleh Plato.
ceritanya begini,

aku -- 

adalah seperti banduan yang dilepaskan. melihat dunia adalah seperti aku menjejakkan kaki di tanah auckland. aku mula tahu yang kebergantungan terhadap siapa-siapa itu tidak perlu. from not knowing anything, i learn how to deal with people in banks, post offices, health centers, bus stations and what not. kalau dulu kat tanah melayu, nak pergi ke tandas awam pun aku takut. sekarang, insyaAllah aku lebih berdiri atas kaki sendiri. aku mula belajar yang budaya di tanah auckland meletakkan perempuan ber-sama keupayaan dengan lelaki.

aku suka.

dan aku sentiasa percaya, betapa perempuan itu kuat dan cekal. mungkin kau yang membaca tulisan aku takkan bersetuju sama aku bilamana aku sendiri mengangguk suka kata-kata Ez,

"accept the fact that men are more weaker than us women.because we gave born to you guys. we are far far stronger than you thought"

kepulangan ke tanah melayu secara berkala kadang-kadang bikin aku annoyed. mungkin saja alasannya, suasana itu yang mendiam-bisukan suara lantang aku. kau ingat aku tak pernah kena cantas sama abah umi bilamasa aku menyuara-pendapatkan ketidakperluan hidup bersama seorang lelaki?

entah kenapa - aku terkadang fikir, apa perlu hidup seorang perempuan yang punya segala dari segi ilmu, material, kuasa dan kedudukan, perlu dikongsi sama seorang asing bernama lelaki? 

di sini -

di tanah auckland, aku belajar tentang ini.

tentang keupayaan perempuan yang boleh dikatakan sama junjung dengan lelaki. betapa hebat mereka tanpa kebergantungan terhadap lelaki.

[ senyum ]

i may sound feminist. but hear me say - i have no problem at all of having males in my social networking. in fact, i do love with their existance. i embrace the fact that they own their unique sides.

aku belajar banyak perkara di tanah auckland.

perihal kesamaan dua jantina hanyalah secebis silibus kehidupan aku di sini.

dan mengetahui bahasawanya mereka di tanah melayu tidak berupaya memahami suara aku, adalah sesuatu yang menyedihkan.

aku bertanya pada Val, apakah usaha aku berkongsi pelajaran kehidupan rantauan adalah sesuatu yang sia-sia?

Val, dengan tertib susun katanya,

"you can always return to your cave. but it doesn't mean you have to be a caveman again"