generasi 11 #5

helo adik-adik yang comel lagi manis.

ha, siapa kah adik-adik itu ?

well, akak (eceh!) merujuk kepada awak, iye, awak. 

awak-awak yang bakal melangkah ke kolej mara seremban untuk program tindikan tesl.

tiada apa mahu akak ucapkan selain tahniah.

ok, tujuan entri ini adalah saja-suka-suka.

-

1. kolej mara seremban

2. a level kolej mara seremban

3. subjek yang dipelajari untuk kos TESL

4. kolej mara seremban a level

5. kolej mara seremban blog

dan senarai ini akan panjang kalau akak tak berhenti di nombor 5. untuk pengetahuan, senarai tersebut adalah kata kunci di enjin carian yang telah membawa awak ke bawangmerahsquared.blogspot.com.

setiap tahun, asal lepas keputusan spm keluar, mesti ada punya lah kata-kata kunci ni. ah, itu, baru lepas keluar keputusan spm. kalau lepas keluar keputusan temuduga MARA, lagi rancak oi trafik blog aku ni kahkahkahkah (bongkak gila bunyi. ish).

anyway, it seems that my blog has gathered future teslians from all over malaysia. jadik, akak terpikir - bagusnya kalau budak-budak ni kenal sesama dorang. 

so, you guys tak teringin ke ? you know, like, before you step into the college, get a clique first via cyber world and isn't that will ease your college days in the future ? macam awesome ok. datang-datang kolej je, korang terus ber-helo-hai, pastu lepak makan sama-sama kat dewan selera. budak-budak kos lain pulak mesti ternganga masa tu - acane budak-budak tesl boleh senang sangat berasabiyah.

MUAHAHAHAHA

chop.

akak bukan mengajar korang berasabiyah sebenarnya. cuma, i want you to save your time. tak perlu la amek masa lama nak menyesuaikan diri kat kolej tu. bawak berkenalan kat facebook siap-siap. dah sampai kat kolej, takde la korang sunyi sepi bersendirian (ke, aku sorang je yang pernah rasa gitu ?).

so, andai ada yang sudi mahu mencipta bulatan riang gembira, sila tinggalkan komen anda di entri ni ya ? segala macam talian perhubungan adalah dialu-alukan. tak kisah lah nak tarok facebook ke, twitter ke, blog ke, alamat rumah ke. tak kisah. nombor telefon pun boleeehhhh

p/s : ke, korang dah ada group facebook aa ? isk. bapak malu gila kalau korang dah ada.

pasangkan cita-cita anda untuk jejakkan kaki di sini - queenstown, new zealand.

seriously, seronok gila oi !

ehem. belajar rajin-rajin dulu ye, adik-adik sekalian :)

hanya dua

siapa sangka, dia akan datang menjenguk lagi. memungut aku yang sudah buruk, menyudi teman aku ke dalam rangkul.

-

walau mata terkatup mati, tangan aku sudah ditangkap rayap. aku biarkan saja. lama tidak merasa hangat kulit dia. hembus nafas. sentuhan halus. apanya dari dia, langsung tidak menyakitkan sendi aku. apatah lagi meluluh dalaman aku yang sedia rapuh.

dia adalah sesuatu.

"thank you" akhirnya, aku bersuara setelah sekian, hanya bahasa tubuh menjadi medium perantaraan.

"it's nothing" dia balas.

"it's a something" aku perkemaskan susuk pautan.

"you know, i won't leave you"

"i know. that's why i say thank you"

"in ingat you won't come by here anymore. ye lah...it's been, what ? months ?" 

"months"

"see...it's been a long time, tau"

dia gelak.

"so, what's the story ?" dia menanya.

"you know it, yet, you ask me ?"

"there's no harm kan ?"

"em..."

"what em?"

"em means, takde apa"

jemari dia terus-menerus memenuh celahan jemari aku.

iye, dia yang paling faham seorang aku.

tak ada yang lain.

"i'm clean" aku buat akuan tiba-tiba.

"cuba tengok. tak ada pil dah" aku sambung.

"where's the maxolon ?"

"gone. i gave it to someone"

"others ?"

"trash"

"so..."

"no more drugs"

"that's supposed to be--"

"good. kott"

"kott?"

aku tergelak.

"aritu, birthday in. ingat tak?" aku soal.

"ingat..."

"tak datang pun..."

"sayang..."

"takde wish" aku mencebik.

"in kan--"

"apa ? sebab in ada dorang ke ?"

"ha...ah..."

"mana sama"

"in..."

"in dah lupa la what ever happen in past two years. why should i carry it along when we have our present ?"

dia senyap.

"i'm sorry. i burst out"

dia senyap lagi.

"i'm sorry..."

dan kali ni, aku peluk dia seakan tak mahu lepas, pergi.

"i miss having you here. that's all. jangan pergi lama lagi pasni, please ?"

"in...sometimes you just need to let go of some people"

"i don't want to. not to you"

"in kan ada semua orang"

"siapa? tell me, siapa"

"in, look--"

"tolong la. dah promise dengan in masa dulu kan ? you say you won't go. you won't leave me. sampai bila-bila"

"but--"

"please. don't say goodbyes. ok ? at least, not to me"

dia mengeluh.

"apa ni...kenapa ? why all the sudden ? kenapa datang kat in tapi pastu nak tinggal kan in?"

"sampai bila kita nak macam ni ?"

"sampai bila apa ? in tak faham"

"us"

"yeah, us. what's wrong with us ?"

"in dah 23"

"so ?"

"in--"

"please. please ? not. a. word."

"it hurts me" aku sampaikan kata.

"so bad, it hurts inside" aku sambung.

"i'm sorry"

aku biarkan ampun dia tergantung tinggi.

dua hari, dua malam.

berdua.

cuma aku,

dan dia.

dia saja.

a stepping stone

to begin with, i was out of nowhere scrolling down few photos of myself, taken in my first year in auckland. it was a sudden. i didn't know why i clicked the folder. probably i tried killing my time or distracting myself while i was taking my dinner (yeah, i love dining in front of my lappy - it's a new bad habit hahaha).

so, as i clicked one by one, reminisced what already happened to me, thought how my life has changed termendously, i came to this photo.

can you guess what's the photo all about?

before that, i think i should say a thank you to nizar. yes, thank you, nizar. if you're reading this, you better know the reason i said so. without your bitter words, i probably won't be here - right now, in this state.

so, back to our photo. 

this is it.

left : april 2011

right : march 2013

when people said i'm never a fat girl, i don't believe it. maybe they don't see me carefully. or perhaps they just throw the words to make me feel comfortable. whatever it is, i did take the right call - not to fall in that sugary, diebatic words. i know i was fat. i was plump. and i was chubby. what more, my attitude in consuming food was bloody sucks. i didn't care at all about what i'd taken for my body. i ate a lot of high calories meals, monosodium glutamate snacks, fast food and never i did any of exercises. i was a spoilt brat to myself.

then, came in my turning point. it was in march of my second year being in auckland. something ugly had happened to me. it was awful that i  think we don't have to go in details on that. i suddenly took serious about my figure. i changed almost everything i had as my routine. like for example, i had a clear-out of my food basket. chocolates, snacks, milo, cookies - you just name them. everything was out from my sight. then, i shopped new items. i bought more fruits and veges, cartons of almond milks, mixture of nuts, and not to forget, some tea bags. i also made sure i had a large bottle of water on my study desk.

in addition, i started to jog at auckland domain every early in the morning. but if the morning jogging didn't permit me, i would go there in the evening. 

ok, maybe my new routine was a bit harsh in the beginning. i did crash diet. i did vigorous work out. i was driven by my inner side, hence i couldn't be bother if this lifestyle i'd chosen might put me in danger. i was insane back then hahaha

so, now, i'm telling you - first and foremost, it's perfectly alright if you want to get into a new whole diet. but, i warn you here, please bear in mind, your health should come on top of the list. 

if you're saying i'm taking herbalife all this while, well, please be surprised - i am not. i don't have that large amount of money to buy those herbalife stuff. i'm just a student who solely depend on my scholarship. well, i don't dismiss the idea of taking it actually. in fact, i second for those who are consuming it. i believe, herbalife is a good starter kit to lose some weight ! indeed, it teaches you how to lead a healthy lifestyle. for a record, i seriously get jealous to whom can afford herbalife. i wish i could have one because i took a hard, long way to becoming of who i am now.

there's nothing else i want to share here except my diet story. for those who are in the process of losing some weight, i bid you all the best and good luck ! may all of us be beautiful inside and out :)

cheers. 

c'est la guerre #3

[1] [2]

"asal kau tak kejar je dia?" erin tanya dari belakang.

an answerless question.
kusut. celaru. haru.
bermacam benda bermain di awang hakim sekarang. kelibat yan makin ghaib dalam laut umat manusia. sah. yan persis phantom of the opera.

"akim?"

"em"

"dah la tu"

"apahal dia naik level atas aa?"

"jumpa doktor la kott?"

"akim!"

anak tangga digagahkan cepat. hakim masih tak puas hati. sekali lagi erin ditinggalkan dia. erin dengus - bengang dengan angin dua sahabatnya.tempoh sudah, menghadap yan. sekarang, hakim pula. erin umpama titi dan menjadi titi bukanlah mudah. kalau tak dipasak betul, mana mungkin dua manusia itu akan bertemu pada titik tengah. khuatir salah seorang akan tergelincir. atau mungkin kedua-duanya akan jatuh.

parah.

mana?

"see-"

"kau diam kejap, boleh tak erin?"

***

"hakim"

"em..."

"sial. kau tidur lagi?"

"em..." hakim tarik selimut.

"cepat aa. aku dah sampai gym ni"

"kau pergi le..."

"apa ni weh. kau janji semalam nak teman aku"

"ala..." mata hakim melekat tutup.

"jom aa. aku bosan handle futsal ni sorang"

"ye lah ye lah...kasi aku mandi dulu. nanti aku datang"

"aku tunggu kau kat bench budak-budak selalu tengok dari atas"

satu perkara tentang pelajar tajaan yang berjurusan luar negara - regardless mara, jpa, petronas mahupun pama - mereka punya persatuan. persatuan yang menyatukan mereka atas dasar nama rakyat malaysia. 

ok, contoh terdekat, auckland. di auckland, mereka ada dua persatuan terbesar, yakni kelab umno auckland dan umsa (union of malaysians students in auckland). mengikut sifir lazim, pelajar melayu akan mendaftarkan diri dalam kelab umno auckland manakala pelajar cina dan india - umsa. 

hei, nanti dulu.

bukan lah dalam konteks ini ianya memberi gambaran yang pelajar-pelajar malaysia bersifat perkauman. sebaliknya, pada hakikat sebenar, kelab umno auckland dan umsa sangat mengalu-alukan pelajar malaysia tidak kira bangsa apa sekalipun. 

ingat, kita satu. 

bukan; kau melayu berduet melayu, kau cina beriring cina. atau kau india  berdansa india.

ingat, bukan. itu bukan cara kita.

tradisinya, satu acara sukan yang dinamakan 'bersatu games' akan diadakan setiap tahun dan pada ketika ini, kesemua persatuan pelajar malaysia dari seluruh pelosok new zealand akan menyertainya. iye, di ceruk-ceruk new zealand, adanya persatuan mereka. wellington, canterbury, central otago, marlborough, hawkes bay, gisborne, waikato dan northland.

dan badminton, takraw, futsal, frisbee, bola jaring, rugbi sentuh atau bola baling, itu semua adalah sukan dan permainan yang dibawa ke gelanggang tanding.

"kau, kalau handle futsal sorang-sorang, takleh ke?" 

hakim dah terpacak depan mata member, seorang komuniti tinggi kelab umno auckland. specifically, one of the sport officers.

"lambat gila kau bersiap. macam perempuan"

"diam ah kau. aku datang ni pun, dah kira baik"

"iye lah..."

"pukul berapa dorang try out ni?"

"kejap lagi"

mata hakim perhati satu per satu susuk. tak ada seorang pun yang dia kenal. mungkin satu, dua. tapi yang lain - zero.

ah, hakim bukan jenis bersosial sangat. sama macam yan.

dua-dua dalam satu venn diagram yang menyilang pada kawasan berlorek introvert. 

ramai menyangka golongan introvert adalah golongan pemalu. walhal, sebenarnya tidak. menurut seorang pakar saintis neuro, perasaan malu merupakan satu tingkah laku yang punya rasa takut dalam situasi sosial. introversi pula merupakan satu motivasi yang hanya mendorong seseorang untuk tidak bergaul dalam situasi sosial. dalam erti kata lain, manusia pemalu menginginkan pergaulan masyarakat tetapi terhalang oleh rasa ketakutan. manakala manusia introvert mempunyai kemahiran komunikasi dan mereka mempunyai pilihan samada untuk bersosial atau tidak.

hakim dan yan.

dua jasad ini berjiwakan introvert. menghargai kewujudan masing-masing. memilih deep conversation apabila berdua. gemar bermain kata dalam bicara. dan terkadang, kesunyian itu lebih bising setiap kali mereka bertelagah.  

you say best when you say nothing at all.

"kau nak gi mana tu, akim?"

"keluar sat"

"jangan lama-lama pulak"

"ye le..."

"...i'm just wondering when will my membership get expired?"

"just a sec..."

"ok..."

"can you please grab your id"

"here"

macam suara yan.

yan.

hakim toleh.

tercegak figura gadis, berketinggian tipikal anak melayu di kaunter pertanyaan gym.

serentak itu, dua-dua bertentang.

dan bibir yan menyebut 'akim' dengan suaranya tersekat.

an awkward smile, that's my yan.

bilik tidur

"ma..." suara kecik berbunyik memanggil aku, menyuruh aku ke sisi dia.

aku letakkan baju kotor dalam bakul kain. esok pagi kena buat laundry sebelum pergi sekolah.

kena.

"ye, sayang" aku tarikkan selimut ke atas dadanya.

remote aircond aku halakan ke atas.

18 degree celcius.

should be ok for her.

"that one is what?" sara tunjukkan mini telekung yang tersidai atas kerusi.

"the one that papa bought for you just now?" aku tanya. saja. untuk pastikan, dia tunjukkan aku objek yang aku talakan pandangan ikut arah telunjuk kecil dia.

sara angguk. dia makin erat peluk Teddy.

"yang tu, namanya telekung" aku capai buku sirah Nabi. 

semalam, baru masuk pasal malaikat belah dada Muhammad. bunyik macam tak logik tapi tu lah - mukjizat kan. tapi, si sara belum paham makna mukjizat. ditegaskan pada aku;

"it's magic, ma. like the one i see on telly", sambil dia mengangguk, cuba meyakinkan aku.

haish.

budak kecik - senang nak digula-gulakan.

"what is telekung?" dia soal.

aku selak halaman.

PAP !

tangan sara tertepek atas muka surat empatbelas.

"can we no story telling today, ma?"

"then...you want us to do what, sayang?"

"that one !" sara tunjuk telekung lagi.

"telekung tu apa dia?" dia mendesakkan jawapan.

"yang macam mama pakai buat sara takut ke? same like tokmi wear?" sara bertalu tanya.

inkuiri budak ni...mashaAllah.

melangit ia pergi. moga sifat itu tidak membunuhnya kelak.

"sara takut?" aku senyum.

"takut"

"there's nothing to be afraid of, honey. telekung tu, pakaian kita nak solat"

"oo...solat tu--"

"kita jumpa Tuhan kita, sayang"

"tapi, kenapa sara tak nampak papa punya? tokabah pun takde"

"because, they are men. different from us. macam...sara dengan abang adam. sama tak?"

"tak..."

"haa, tak sama kan. so, cara pakaian kita untuk solat pun, tak sama lah"

"ma..."

"ye sayang?"

"nanti sara ikut mama ke papa solat?"

"mana-mana pun boleh, sayang"

aku peluk dia erat.

kecil sungguh tubuh anak ni.

"sara tahu tak, dulu kan, mama selalu ikut tokabah solat. everytime tokabah wants to pray, mama cepat-cepat mintak tokabah tunggu. nak solat ni, kena amek wudhuk dulu tau"

"wudhu tu apa?"

"wudhu tu, cara kita sucikan diri pakai air. nanti, sara belajar ok?"

sara angguk sungguh-sungguh.

"ma, tomorrow, sara ikut papa solat ke?"

"kalau sara nak ikut papa, kena bangun awal lah"

"pukul berapa?"

"enam?"

"ok!"

aku gelak.

iye la tu. jangankan pukul enam, pukul tujuh pun belum tentu lagi. dengan kerenah takmo mandi pagi. mau makan sejam dua nak pujuk si sara ni.

"kalau ok, now you have to go to sleep"

"ala..."

"sara..."

"mama tidur sini, can?"

"em..."

aku pikir sekali-dua.

"in?" papa sara dah terjengul dari pintu bilik.

"papa!" sara teriak.

suka dia.

hahaha

"why my darling papa not yet sleeping?"

"i don't wanna sleeeeppp" sara tarik muncung.

hambooiiii

bukan main lagi ha kalau dapat ke papa dia.

"sara is a good girl, aren't you?"

sara angguk sungguh-sungguh.

macam tadi.

"if sara is a good girl, sara need to sleep, ok?"

"can papa and mama stay? sleep with me?"

"Teddy kan ada, sara..." aku mula amek tempat dalam perbualan.

"tapi, Teddy-"

"alright my baby. anything for you. papa and mama will sleep with you" dia putuskan.

aku terus kasi pandangan like seriously? pada dia.

dia balas dengan raut muka 'layankan je. nanti kita keluar senyap-senyap'.

"bang, adam dah tidur?"

"dah...tadi [pause].
ok my little princess, close your eyes now"

aku bobok sara.

dia pulak usap-usap dahi anak perempuannya.

***

mama tak sabar nak jumpa adam dengan awak, sara. i have thousands of dreams to make them coming true. mama really wanna give you both the best. but i have to come prepared. there's a lot of thing i need to fix first. i broke many things. really, i am. maybe mama is not the best carer to myself. but i promise you, i'll take a great care of you and adam. i promise.