Memaparkan catatan dengan label hidupaku. Papar semua catatan
Memaparkan catatan dengan label hidupaku. Papar semua catatan

myCupOfTea

kenapa myCupOfTea?
baru tadi aku google asal-usul frasa myCupOfTea. ouh, by the way, abang aku pernah cakap - setiap peribahasa ada jalan ceritanya. manusia tak senang-senang cipta macam tu je - ting! terus keluar peribahasa. no, no. it doesn't work that way.

"There are a large amount of different drinks available on the earth today, and many people have a preference as to what they drink. One of the more common beverages people consume is tea. In fact, tea is considered to be the most widely consumed beverage in the world next to water. Indeed, tea is a widely known drink that is enjoyed by millions of people. Thus, the idea for this phrase is that when someone or something is to a person's liking, they liken it to a cup of tea" [sumber]

so.
kenapa myCupOfTea?

sebab aku suka dia. suka tengok gaya dia, cara dia, watak dia. suka lah. tapi, seperti yang pernah aku jujurkan pada dia jua, suka tu belum cecah tahap cinta. masih merangkak-rangkak. dan dia pun bertatih lagi - kata dia lahhh. mungkin satu hari nanti, kami berdua akan jatuh cinta (insyaAllah). for the time being, aku mengikut arus. sepertinya, takdir menuliskan yang dia pemilik tulang rusuk aku. 

macam kebanyakan orang lain, kakak aku pernah tanya (ketika kami dalam kereta, baru sudah hantar umi abah tunaikan umrah) - "apa yang buat kau suka pada dia eh?"

aku termenung sekejap. 
kenapa eh?
ikutkan, rata-rata orang sekeliling aku (terutama tesl girls) tahu betapa kisah cinta aku is one kind of hell. aku mendamping rasa cinta sejak zaman kolej mara seremban lagi. patah hati toksah cakap lah. BERKALI. and my problem is always to have difficulty in moving on and getting back on my feet. azabnya la haih. to a point, aku rasa kecewa dan aku patut berhenti menyeksa jiwa raga aku. i have to be selfish, somehow.
jadik, untuk menjawab persoalan kakak, aku katakan yang aku rasa senang dengan dia. senang, as in, aku ok dengan dia. dia buat aku rasa selamat dan tenang. well, aku kan jenis panik-tak-tentu-hala. kalau diberi situasi cemas, aku mungkin dah lari lintangpukang macam orang gila. while him? sedamai kau tengok bukit hijau laksana saujana mata memandang, sebegitu lah dia. cool af.
and that's why people say - to get married is to complement each other.

seperti yang aku katakan tadi, kami berdua adalah dua manusia yang baru nak kenal hati budi. we're getting there (insyaAllah). but how do we end up to have a mutual agreement which led us to this engagement?

nanti aku cerita.
stay tuned.

for many years to come



surat untuk sara #3

ke hadapan sayangku sara,

ok. mama dah lama tak tulis surat untuk awak. bukan mama lupa kat awak, bukan sayang. mama cuma...having a difficult phase of my life. hakikatnya, mama selalu je teringat sara. kalau mama borak dengan siapa-siapa yang terdekat dengan mama, mama akan sebut nama awak (with a H at the end). 

sara,

setiap kali mama memikirkan tentang awak, mama, up to a point, will cry all by myself. to think about you means to think about my future. and to think about future is something that scares me out. mama pernah bayangkan macam mana mama kendong awak dengan dua tangan mama ni dan mama akan tersenyum. hidung awak, mata awak, bibir awak - yang mana satu akan mewaris features mama?
seseorang pernah puji mata bundar mama (gelak). kata dia, mata mama besar. mata mama can tell few things, like, my emotions...or how i feel.
entah lah. ye la kott.

besar sangat ke mata mama awak ni, sara? ihik.

sara,

ketika mama menulis surat ni dan awak sedang bacanya, mama dah cecah 26 tahun. macam-macam benda berlaku sejak kali terakhir mama tulis surat untuk awak. dalam tempoh lima tahun tu, mama hadap too many shits. too many hurdles that i have to pass them with lots of faith and prayers. mama pernah tanya pada diri sendiri - kenapa tak boleh saja aku rempuh semua tu? biar mati terus.
tapi, kalau mama buat gitu, mama selfish, kan sayang? mama takkan jumpa awak, somehow. 
so, here i am. still. 

sara,

kalau nak diceritakan the dos and don'ts in life, terlalu banyak, sayang. even so, mama akan cuba protect awak no matter what. tapi, mama nak awak belajar sendiri jugak. taste the bitter, painful of life. sebab, dengan cara tu lah, awak akan jadik kuat. kuat macam mama. atau, lebih dari tu. mama takkan selalu ada untuk sara tapi percaya lah, sayang, doa mama akan melilit jasad dan roh awak. mama akan minta pada Tuhan untuk sentiasa lindungkan anak mama yang sorang ni :')

aahh...kenapa mata mama berair ni...

sara,

i wish you wouldn't have to face whatever i face in my life. i'm a messed one. i fail to take care of myself. and if i can't do so, how can i take care of you and abang adam? but sayang, i badly want to meet you both. seriously. i don't know why. i was thinking that perhaps both of you can be my saviour. i need to be saved. 
takpe kalau mama dah putus asa dengan hidup mama. tapi, to give up on you and abang adam is a no no. at least, to meet and have you in the future is a dream that makes me hold onto this life just a little bit more. 

sara,

mama berhenti tulis sini dulu, ya sayang? mama loves you even though we haven't met yet. i'm sure God will grant me this dream in few more years from now. i just have to be patient, that's all.
till then.
i see you in the next letter.

loves,
mama


behind the broken smile


photo by: mr. fiance



a letter to whom it may concern

Hi again,

So, I read your email the moment it went through and I was thinking, yeah, I should have made myself a bit busy. And here's my Saturday - 

I was supposed to do an inspection in aspuri this morning but I had to proceed with my part time job. Both were obviously collided at the same time, so, I texted my ketua aras to still do the inspection on behalf of me. I couldn't afford to let go off my part time job this time just because I went back to Melaka last weekend (remember?). Ok. I attended the job - well, it's actually an English tuition (a one-to-one and I charge the kid RM 30 per hour, what do you think?). It went good. The kid seemed to be satisfied for the first round. She told me she learnt a lot from me since before this, she only writes English based on her 9-years-experience in school. She hasn't got a proper education particularly in writing English. I kind of..er..I don't know. Pity on her? But at the same time I'm glad she was happy. The grin on her face clearly showed that she felt all this is going to be worthwhile.

Packing up my stuff in the staff room (the tuition was conducted at my working space) and quickly headed to my car. I started the engine and drove to Baling to do my grocery. It was quite surprising though because the supermarket I went to is having a renovation. I don't know since when it happens - I rarely do grocery, to be honest. I picked anything I wanted - pita bread, carrots, cabbage, lemons, maggie (curry flavour), dark chocolate bar (the small one), peanuts, frozen curry puff, french fries (thin-cut ones, just like the McD's), noodles paste (i'm bad at cooking, so I opt for something easy) and not to forget, I called my mom when I stood right in front of bakery shelves. I asked her which flour should I buy to make onde2/buah melaka. She told me it's glutinous rice flour (ah!). So, I grabbed one as well as palm sugar. Back in Auckland, I couldn't find the usual Malaysian palm sugar (the brownish black). I substituted it with palm sugar imported from China (it's very light brownish). Anyhow, the taste is closed enough to our onde2/buah melaka. Now, the only thing I couldn't find in the supermarket is desiccated coconut. I dashed to a pay counter, handed my debit card and drove back to Pengkalan Hulu.
At that time, it was already 2.30pm. My tummy was grumbling. I hadn't have anything since morning. I parked in front of a mamak stall and ordered a takeaway half-plate nasi kandar. Just then, I noticed there was a wet market next to the mamak stall. So, I went to it to get my coconut. Unlucky me, there wasn't any - "depa dah lama tak hantaq kelapa naakk" . Fine, pakcik. Fine.

Finally. Home.
Took all my grocery items and...surprise surprise. My fridge was broken down. The ice on the top compartment went melting. I was panic (as usual) but I tried to make myself cool. Oh, by the way, I'm home alone. Both my housemates went back to their hometown. They are the locals. So. The fridge. I texted the warden's whatsapp group, to whom should I contact to fix this problem. A KH teacher asked me whether the plug was functioning well or otherwise. Being me, I only studied KH for the theoretical sake, not the practicality. I asked the group again - how should I know that? Other senior wardens started responding - "you soooo cute In" "In..in..you so funny" urgghhhh I was being real and panicky and did not know what to do. How could they possibly find this isn't serious? Long story short, it was actually the adapter that wasn't working, hence shutting down the fridge. Performed the zohor prayer, ate the unappetizing nasi kandar (I will never ever buy it) and drove to a hardware shop in Pengkalan Hulu to get a new one. 
Great. The fridge is back on its feet.

5-ish in the evening.
My girls were ranting lots of stuff on the whatssapp group. One was complaining about her wedding thingy - the dress, the dates, the fiance (HAHAHA), the invitation (and I was thinking - is it this hard to organize a wedding?? oh dear). One was talking about how alone she was at the moment, hence a chocolate moist cake all by herself (what a craze). One was sharing about her course in Lenggong before posting to an MRSM. And me? Well. I just spiced up every little thing they said heeee

6.11pm.
I decided to wash my car. Parked it right in front of the so-called yard. Got the micro fiber towel and car shampoo. I ended it at 6.45pm and since I had few minutes before 7pm, I thought, perhaps I should go to aspuri to check on kids.
Oh yes. I suddenly turned into a grumpy, fierce warden. I took those names who were late to clear the block (hihi!). I bet kids were never expecting I would be there around this hour. 

Alright.
I think I need to pen off now. I have to get ready for my kids' speaking test. Besides, this reply has been a long one. 
Don't you think my Saturday is busy enough?
Thanks for the advice - appreciate it much.

Until then, take care.
I see you in the next letter.

Loves,
In.


Rx - TESL

Currently writing in the staff room while waiting for my class - -

So, hi.
We meet again. I'm still breathing (thank God). I'm still surviving (yes, I am).
I'm actually not that OK - emotionally. Physically - yes, I am. I'm doing good. I took meals these past few days. In fact, I binged eating. But, that's only for a day. The next day, I fasted from dawn till dusk. Anyway, since I know I'm not OK, I contacted Val. I whatsapped her and showed her few of my artworks. She complimented me. I was happy. Drawing is the exact medium to express my emotions. Though I draw sad faces, I manage to draw smiles at the same time. I can't lose hope. Even if the world is shutting down, I have to have a hope to be happy (at least). That's why there is a few smiles in my drawing.
In conjunction of Inktober2016, I try my best to keep up with it. It's literally a challenge for me because I have to juggle my working life as a teacher and my own personal life. Sometimes, I stay awake at night to finish up my drawing. I don't know. Some people might see it absurd - why would you torture yourself, burning the midnight oil just for the sake of inking some white papers? - but the truth is, it's a satisfaction to me. I want to let go of my feelings. I want to let go of the burden I've been shouldering all by myself. Yes, I do feel lonely. It's just enough with being alone for most of the time. Lonely? It's a total disaster. 
So far, I have drawn six doodles based on the themes given by Mr. Parker. I think that's a good achievement. I should have thanked Mr. Parker for creating this Inktober2016 because I'm driven to  improve my drawing skills. Not to forget, I gradually found my signature drawing and yeah, it feels good to finally have one of your own. My drawing habit is also nurtured days by days. My fingers are no longer stiff to run curves on papers. I know I'm way behind with the Inktober2016. October is approaching its end and yet, I only have six doodles. Nonetheless, I'll keep on drawing until I finish all the themes given. 
Oh, by the way. With the themes that Mr. Parker has laid out, I also incorporate them with a sense of loving couple. AND THAT DOUBLE UP THE CHALLENGE!

Here are the doodles I created ; 

theme: Rock
theme: Broken

"we're not broken, just bend. and we can learn to love again"
  
theme: Lost

without you, i'm lost

theme: Jump

i jump over the moon whenever i think about you

theme: Transport

someday, we shall transport together to the world of ours

theme: Worried

we are of two different people - i'm always be the worried one while you're
the worried-less. even so, it is this difference that would make us
complement to each other. i hope you can stand with my insanely never-
ending worries. slap me if you must.

theme: Tree

i'd like to build a family tree with you. would you, too?



umpama esok ber-enggan sama aku

akhirnya, aku berjaya mengharung tujuh hari tujuh malam di melaka. demi hidup aku yang tersisa, pulang ke sana bukanlah sesuatu yang aku sukakan. malah, aku benci. percayalah - meluapluap kebencian aku ni. tapi, kesumat begini takkan pernah boleh difahamkan. aku sukar menyuluh sebab musababnya, maka, jalan pintasnya adalah ber-olok-olok suka. suka untuk pulang walau jiwa meronta mahu dilepaskan pergi.

pernah kau tonton adegan layar seorang gadis dirogol jantan keparat?
begitu lah soul aku - terseksa.
sehabis kudrat aku ingin lari - biar terhapus jejak jasad ini, terhilang saja tak perlu dikenangkenang lagi.
benteng pertahanan aku makin hari, makin meng-haus nipis, kau tahu? panahan-panahan selumbar sudah mula mencelah dan menerobos segenap inci dinding-dinding jantung. harfiahnya, aku betul-betul sakit.

tahan sikit, In.

itu lah mantera aku.
tapi.
my blue skies could fade to grey.

daya aku ketandusan.
lalu aku memilih sekali lagi jalan pintas - sakitkanlah apa jua yang ada asalkan angina meluput. 

-

"you look super thin...stop your diet"
"which photo?"
"your latest photo. you hardly have width"
"macam mana nak makan"
"i don't know if you find it attractive, but i don't...and it's up to you to take my advice. take care of yourself - alwaysss"
"i wonder how people eat"
"come on lah...makan je kott. you don't need to count your calories intake. it's already absurd at this point. it's killing you"
"you ni iqbaaaaaal. selalu buat aku nak nangis"
"well, i'm just telling you this...because i bother to care. please take a good care of yourself"

-

i won't make any suicidal scene.
enough with the thoughts of it keep replaying in my head.





lining up my fashion

ok.
i fuck up again. i'm broken for the same, same reason. i hate it. and that broken-hearted-emotion-stuff hits me to the rock bottom that i lose my appetite. i even starve myself because i want to take away the emotional pain. i know and i don't expect anyone of you to understand why the hell i do such hurting acts on my flesh and bones but just know that emotional pain is way, way painfuller than physical pain. i don't mind at all letting my tummy empty for more than 12 hours. i just couldn't get over the fact that i'm being hurt AGAIN.
so.
the obvious impact i get is my weight decreases massively. i haven't looked like a skinny one but people start to notice that my outfits are baggy and loose. even when i wear my kebaya, it doesn't fit me nicely. i now start to wear again my shirts and blouses which i used to wear back when i was in Auckland (i was diagnosed to suffer from eating disorder, hence my body was shrinking). i now eat less which i find it, is okay. what more, my budget is quite restricted now because i'm putting a huge amount to my savings for my future. i am told i'm being extreme - well, i don't care. one thing for sure, i run towards what i truly want. by hook or by crook, that's it.
anyway.
on a side  note, i look quite ok in a few of photos LOL
i don't know why i suddenly have this model-ish feeling hahaha

here are my work and casual outfits.
enjoy!

at times i need to rest my eyes, hence the nerdy look

about to feed my kids with extra knowledge on friday night

being a teacher requires me to be outstation too

and weekends are never that boring if i opt for outing

so loose, so don't care

the indian-malay-cultures combination

the palazzo drapes nicely, accentuating my figure



hari jubah dan selamat hari guru

























kejayaan semalam --
adalah kejayaan bersama.
terima kasih kepada mereka -
yang menjadik guru-guru aku selama ni.
these robe and scroll are for you guys :')



keamanan

before i proceed to today's topic, i'd like to show you how drastically i was in keeping my blog for the past two years. i just realize that the number has dropped significantly, showing that i was in a real deep shit from 2012 to 2014. take a look on it.

from 105 to 45, to 29 - which wows me in awe
(click for a larger view)

anyway, that's just an interlude before we go to our serious business. takde lah serius mana but what i'm about to talk about is something we, as a human being, experience in our life - relationship. and this time, i'm totally being open and i'll talk about relationship between males and females.
AWKKKWARRRDDDDD 
yup, that's right. o wait, disebabkan aku taknak lah sound funny blabbering about this topic (because i am no way close to the title a relationship expert), i might as well talk in english - feel less awkward gitu hahaha

so, i was watching this video produced by an Asian vlogger and after one video to another video, it so happened i already watched 63 videos of hers in a day! from there, i just knew she broke up with her boyfriend who is also a vlogger/actor/tv host, after two years of dating. fun thing about her, in this one particular video, she was live performing a song she wrote about a cat in which the lyric was really symbolic and metaphor-ed on her current situation. she got her ex on the same stage and the three of them (her singing partner, the boyfriend and herself) seemed to enjoy the sing occasion.
i like this girl because she played it cool, though i know it must be hard for her. what more the boyfriend once said - hey we can be friends. 

i myself underwent several failures in relationship and if i were to count all of them, it should be four times. yup, four times babe. the first relationship was not even a relationship because i was rejected by the guy. the second one, i rejected my ex because i couldn't have a feeling on him, plus, he was a bit pushy (sorry!). the third relationship was complicated and long story cut into short, he got married with someone else. the last one - i was left by the guy without any further notice/signal/clue/warning. kiranya, gantung tak bertali lah. and the worst part is, i was attacked (i considered it as an attack) by his current girlfriend (what the fuck). so, upon the attack, i told myself - o, that's completely over between you and me.

i never feel proud with these episodes going on in my life because they leave me with scars, pain, agony and the feel of "you're a loser". but, the truth is, they are part of the reasons of making me to become who i am now. i learn a lot - REAL a lot and one of the lessons learned is that, i need to forgive and to forget. oh yeah, the latter one, of course, i can't do it in a go, seriously. it takes awhile to move on, ergo, i have to allow myself giving the me as much time as i need so that i'll be ok again and healed. 
this so-called meditation (which is to forgive and forget) leads me to make a peace with those exes. you heard me, gal - make a peace yaww.
well, some people don't get it - how the hell i am, to be totally ok in keeping in touch with these guys who once broke my heart. the rule is simple - reconcile with the person, telling him that this relationship is not gonna work and we both need to be apart, provided it has to be in a good term. it's like you're saying "i'm out of here and you should too. but keep in mind, this is for the best for both of us. i'm happy with this decision. you're happy with this decision. and we can always come back and be together as FRIENDS).
i make a peace with all of them except the last one (maybe some time in the near future we will catch up and reconcile, who knows right?). i made a point that i am still his friend that perhaps we can go for a coffee or talk on phone or hang out for a movie or what ever. BUT. it has to be on a different level of relationship - no more lovey dovey stuff. it has to be as clean as it is because i'm not gonna go back to the shit we both once did. lucky me, the exes got the message and that's why i still can bid them birthday wishes, say hello via whatsapp, crack some jokes on phone and sometimes, go back to the past and laugh to the silliness of us two. 
to me, THAT'S the beauty of making a peace with your ex(es).

so, my point is, no doubt it's difficult to get over with your break up, thus, take as much time as you want as long as you get back on your feet and work your fucking asshole. after all, life goes on and you need to keep on moving. don't limit yourself and don't get cemented by your past. just believe that maybe, someday, you might bump into that one significant other of yours at the right time and at the right place. from there, you still can create your own fairy tale and IF it's meant to be not working again, it's ok. pat your shoulder and say "at least you've tried".
also, if you could, please make a peace with the person you used to love, adore and care. there's nothing wrong to put up a white flag together and be friends again. 
don't you think so?

p/s : as i said earlier, i'm not a relationship expert. this is just my opinion based on my true experiences.
harap maklum.



merelakan

31 Januari 2015

usai selesai merewang, aku melayan handphone. tak ada apa yang menarik sebenarnya, tapi sebab sekarang aku tak nak rasa bosan, aku layankan je lah. makcik dah siap masak. kak rabieah dah siap cuci tandas. yang lain-lain ada kat depan. suha and the gang tak letih bermain. rumah makcik riuh kali ni sebab semua dah mula berkumpul. anak-anak makcik dah pulang akhirnya. yang ipar-duai pun ada sekali. 

"nak balik in?" 

dia grab kunci kereta atas kabinet. aku tengok jam tangan - 5.30 petang.

"tak kott...stay je lah. ke sher nak pergi mana?"
"sher nak pergi bank, masuk duit. kalau nak stay, takpe lah"
"eh jap. in tanya kak bieah, ada kerja lagi ke tak"

"dah takde kerja dah, in. awak nak stay boleh, nak balik pun boleh. lepas maghrib awak datang kan?"
"datang..."
"ha, datang dengan mak tau" kak bieah hulur tangan.
"ok kak. kalau takde apa, in balik dulu lah"
"ok dik. thank you tau"

tangan bersalam.
sekali dengan makcik yang ada kat ruang tamu, aku cium tangan makcik yang menua. makcik sempat pesan, datang dengan parents untuk majlis malam ni. aku mengangguk, senyum dan pergi.

"sher! tunggu in"

dan masa tu jugak, suha and the gang datang menceceh. 
suha, naim, syikin, aisyah - anak-anak sedara dia, atau, cucu-cucu makcik.

"suha nak ikut ke?" aku tanya ringkas.
"tak payah. suha duduk rumah je" dia dah lebih men-dulu-kan jawapan.

suha mencebik.
aku alihkan pandangan dari suha ke dia.

garang sangat busu suha ni.

***

"bila balik sana?" aku robohkan sunyi dalam kereta.

cuti dia kali ni tak lama. lebih kurang dua bulan. itupun dia mintak extend dari profesor sebab arwah pergi dengan tiba-tiba. agak terkejut. semuanya cepat sangat. aku sendiri tak tersangka. susah nak digest with everything. arwah - orangnya sihat. cuma, ye lah, kaki dah tak kuat. jalan pun bertongkat. arwah pernah cakap pada aku - "pakcik tak nak susahkan sesiapa" dan permintaan arwah termakbul. arwah meninggal tanpa siapa-siapa dengan dia. 
serangan jantung.

"enambelas haribulan ni" dia jawab ringkas.

korea dengan malaysia.
tak jauh, tapi, masih lagi dua tempat berbeza.

"ok..." aku buang pandangan ke luar tingkap kereta. 

tak dapat nak menahan rasa sedih. tak sanggup tunjukkan raut mata yang sayu. goodbyes are always hard for me. always have, always will. aku membatu, ter-hilang kata untuk respon yang seterusnya. sebab tika ini, aku berkira-kira mencari jalan menenangkan resah aku sendiri. i tried to hold on to the pieces of strength i have in this soul. 

"hei..." dia menyiku aku.
"em..." dan aku menunduk, masih lagi benyek.

"kena balik jugak ke?" aku menyoal dia.

petang tu, dia hantarkan aku dengan walang yang membalut kemas hati aku yang sedia merapuh. penat membaikpulih serpih-serpih yang ada dengan saki baki kudrat yang tak seberapa. sekali lagi, hancur ia dibuat manusia bernama laki. tapi kali ni, kecainya aku telah disandarkan dengan alasan - kami berdua punya benda untuk dikejar. komitmen hubungan boleh ditolak tepi asalkan we both have faith in each other. 
ada benda lain lagi penting dari tentang aku dan dia.

seriously, bahagia?
apa tu weh?



please come back home - suatu ketika dulu

there was one time, i was in a deep shit, i didn't know where to go and to whom should i speak to. i felt i was all alone, i had no one in this whole world and i thought i would fuck up in any thing i do in my life. i distant myself from most of people i know, including my housemates in which i barely talked to them even though we lived under the same roof. life was sort of bleak and black as if i was out of a glow to light up the darkness i faced.

so, after quite some time i was deadly silent, suddenly an email popped out from my gmail inbox, with its title "i miss you". it was from my big brother, asking me, where had i gone and what happened to me. he sounded worried behind every word he wrote.
and the email was finally enclosed with an attachment of a song by fort minor - where'd you go.




to his surprise, i replied the email, telling that i was in a bad condition and i was afraid if he couldn't process it if we met up. the 'bad condition' was referring to my physical appearance whereby i was diagnosed to have an eating disorder and was prone to anorexia. 
at that time, i was like 38-39 kg and i was bony - seriously. 
and my emailed was enclosed with this video - 

  


no one could ever replace you, Fir


you'll be always missed

I have a kind of attitude to name my things in order for me to feel humane in them and not to feel lonely. Firdaus was my plant whom I put him at my window when I was in second year of university. He's a type of telling certain people that I was sick although I told the people I was ok. Well, I supposed he reflected me anyway. After staying at Columbia Apartment, I moved to The Volt where I placed Firdaus at the apartment's balcony. Before that, he was in Bonda's care as I went back Malaysia for awhile. Bonda has these green hands which healed Firdaus in no time. I was happy seeing him back into a good shape and at the same time I felt sorry for him too. Bonda said, the plant only needs an extra TLC - tender, love and care. But...easy said than done, eit? 
As expected, Firdaus was back to a terrible state. I bet it's got to do with me - I wasn't in my own self either. 
Finally, the time had come and I had to let go of him. I left Firdaus in the balcony alone, and I flew back to Malaysia. Part of me misses him - always have, always will - until just now, I found this guy at Jusco. He does look the same like Firdaus, except that he's a bit smaller and tinier. I presume he must have been belonged to the same family of Firdaus, so with no doubt, I took him home. 

"Abah, remember this? (while showing him to Abah) I used to have the same one back in Auckland - Firdaus. ingat tak?"
"Yeah (took it away from my hands and pour some water onto him)"
"What are you doing?"
"He needs water. His soil is dry (and placed him under a shade of another plant)"
"Will that be ok (for him)?"
"Of course. Look at that (pointed to another pot of a small plant). He's ok with whichever place I put it"
"
Abah...that one already used to this environment. This one (referring to my guy) is new, so --"
"What? Is he from New Zealand?"
"No...what I mean is, he's from an air-cond place that is Jusco"
"Well, tonight's gonna be cold. And that's why I put him under the plant. It's colder down there"
"Ok.."

"I haven't named him yet" I blurt out after a short silence between us.

Abah gave me a weird look.

"I'm thinking of something that has a meaning of strength...Mohd told me it should be a guy, not a girl"
"Bastian (not a real name)?"
''No...Bastian is pembawa berita gembira. Bastian - Farahin...hmmm (sigh)"

"Sorang pembawa berita gembira, sorang lagi yang girang gembira. But..."

I left the sentence cliffhanging. I was about to say - but we didn't work, anyway. Things are not according to the plan.

"Is it my fault? Hasn't I done enough?"
"It's not about whose fault it is..."
"Then? Or am I too weird? Like giving names to my things?"
"It's not that...well, I don't mind about the names but you tell people --"
"What?
In dah tak makan pun ubat...I'm ok"
"Iye...abah tahu. I'm just saying that you should have told people you're ok now"
"Of course I am..."
"In, maybe you should see things differently. I mean, see them from the positive side. And not to blame who and who --"
"Tengok. Abah pun nak backup dia?"
"It's not about backing him up. And not pointing out whose fault in this matter. I'm talking about my daughter, ok. Maksud Abah, just take it positive. Who knows, even if you made it through, it won't last? So, what I'm trying to say is--"
"Things happen for reasons?"
"Yes..."
"And what reason behind this?"
"We'll never know...there are things we are not capable of comprehending behind what already happened. God has designed us in such way. We only need to be expecting good things from Him. Ok, if I have a needle and I throw it in a haystack, do you think there's a needle in it?"
"Of course"
"Can you get it for me?"
"That'll be hard"
"But, is it there?"
"Yeah"
"So, it's the same thing with what you face now.
Ada hikmah"

Amjad - more glorious.
Yes...perhaps, Amjad.



antara perkara sukar menjadi pelajar luar negara

aku tak pernah menyesal belajar overseas sebab itu lah perkara yang paling aku mahukan sejak kecik lagi. walaupun tanah auckland takde salji, aku kira, tu adalah satu kesyukuran. well, aku pun tak hadap sangat nak main salji. kau ingat seronok ke kalau kiri kanan jalan raya ada benda-benda putih tu? sehari dua, lawa lah. bandar pun nampak suci semacam. tapi tunggu aa tiga pat hari kemudian. salji putih dah dicemarrrr hahaha
masa aku bercuti lima hari empat malam kat queenstown, aku dah tak sabar nak balik tanah auckland pada hari ketiga sebenarnya. entah lah. aku ni bukan jenis tahan suhu sejuk. so, winter is a no-no for me.

as you are already informed, aku amek masa dua tahun untuk buat persediaan akademik sebelum berangkat ke tanah auckland. orang lain buat tiga atau dua semester. paling cepat, satu semester saja. tapi, untuk program aku, budak-budak tesl were stuck for four semesters. so, within that four semesters, some of my friends dah fly dah. cemburu tu, toksah cakap lah. aku tengah struggle dengan A-level, depa pulak dok selfie dengan euro trip lah, winter trip lah, parti sana, parti sini. but then, hujan gerimis di tengahari boleh berlaku dengan kun-fa-ya-kun daripada Tuhan. maknanya, hari tak selalu cerah. banyak cabaran duduk kat perantauan.
dan tahap kecekalan betul-betul teruji, percaya lah.

i learned to become adult when i was in auckland.
God taught me through hardships.
and He still teaches me so, here in malaysia. 

salah satu perkara yang paling aku takut bilamana aku duduk kat perantauan - aku tak dapat pulang ke tanah air kalau-kalau ada kematian orang yang tersayang. dan, sepanjang aku buat persediaan kat malaysia, banyak jugak berita-berita kematian yang kawan-kawan perantauan, terima. 
kematian bapa, kematian datuk, kematian pakcik. you just name it.
aku tahu pun sebab mereka kongsikan kat facebook. dan, melalui rantaian komen-komen serta mulut tempayan rakan-rakan, aku dimaklumkan tentang siri-siri kepayahan mereka yang mahu pulang segera ke tanah air untuk bertemu dengan jasad arwah buat kali terakhir.
kenapa aku katakan siri-siri kepayahan?
sebab the final destination (that is malaysia) seems to be so hard to reach. lepas satu, satu benda berlaku - baru lah kau sampai kat KLIA.
ada jugak yang tak berkesempatan pulang sebab tengah berjuang dengan exams, quizzes, assignments dan macam-macam lagi.

until that one night, the moment i am very scared of, came and hit me with real hard.
tokbak pergi.
malam tu, aku mengongoi nangis dengan sendu yang ditahan-tahan.
aku tak dapat balik malaysia because i was in the middle of winter trip with my two girlfriends. besides, school was about to start again and there would be no point of coming back home. what more, savings aku tak banyak untuk book a ticket since i spent most of it for my winter trip.
sampai sekarang, aku agak terkilan tak dapat nak tengok tokbak for the last time. terkadang, aku menyoal - kenapa tokbak tak tunggu in? bukannya lama. lepas winter, spring and then summer. summer kan in balik malaysia. 
kalau duduk berdua dengan abah atau tokmak, aku suka bicarakan soal tokbak - just to reminisce about him. and when i went too far, soalan-soalan berbaur menidakkan takdir just slipped out. abah tak marah aku pun sebab dia tahu, aku sedang menelan pedih. 
sebaliknya, abah katakan, "mungkin kalau tokbak tunggu in, dia akan lagi sakit"

of course aku tak nak tokbak rasa macam tu. lalu, apa je yang aku mampu buat?


al-fatihah.



i knew this day would come

"In ada best friend?" tanya Kak Ika - kakak yang merangkap ipar sejak tiga minggu lepas.

kobis - potong halus.
lobak - hiris separa tebal.
bunga kobis - potong dadu (kalau boleh)

"sawi ada tak?", aku balaskan dengan soalan lain.

Kak Ika jenguk peti sejuk.
aku ikut dari belakang dan menjingkit.

tak ada.
hmm...takpe lah.

"In takde best friend. takkan pernah ada", aku jawab penuh jujur.

sayur tadi aku rebus.
garam dicubit sikit.
kaki ke sinki balik.

"then, you ada good friend?"
"em..haah...any friend of mine, In declare good friend je. tak kisah la laki ke perempuan"

***

hakikatnya, definisi best friend yang aku ciptakan terlalu perfect untuk diisikan seorang manusia.
ala, aku sendiri bukanlah best friend terhadap diri aku. terlalu banyak yang aku tancapkan selumbar pada jasad dan soul ini hinggakan ke satu tahap - aku ada masalah untuk memaafkan diri.

"you need to forgive yourself, Fara. give a permission to yourself"
"i can't, Val. i just, can't..."
"ok, then...should i give you my permission?"

mata aku direct menusuk wajah Val.

"yes, i'll give you my permission. i'll forgive you"

Val cuba convince aku. aku menarik sedikit garis yang melengkungkan bibir. sekali lagi, Selasa aku berakhir dengan endless questions that keep banging my head. perlahan, kaki aku diseret oleh jiwa yang meribut. seakan keduanya telah dirantai dengan bebola besi gedabak lalu membuat aku seolah-olah berjalan ke hadapan di atas escalator yang menurun.
sukar - itu yang pasti.

setiap hari, bilamana aku menilik parut di lengan, ianya tak lain tak bukan - hanya menaikkan paras sesal dan volume marah aku. setiap kali itu lah, aku memaki diri dan berlanjutan menyalahkan segala apa yang berlaku.

jadik, kalau aku sendiri punya masalah menjadik sahabat pada seorang aku, bagaimana seorang yang lain mampu mengisi kekosongan title best friend itu?


exactly



selasa bersama Val #32

"what do you like to do, Fara?"

salah satu soalan Val masa awal-awal kami bertemu empat mata, yakni pada hari selasa aku datang ke bilik dia. selasa yang bakal mengubah hidup aku. selasa yang pertama.

"i like arts"
"oh? that's nice. what kind of arts?"
"em...i like to draw...sometimes i like to do some handcrafts"
"so--"
"but, i stop doing those things...i don't do arts anymore"
"why...?"

mata aku terkalih ke dinding belakang Val. hakikatnya, aku tak mahu lagi bertentang mata dengan Val. aku tak nak dia tahu yang soalan "why" itu sebenarnya membukak pedih aku.

***

aku hantarkan salah satu hasil seni pada dia. gembira - itu yang aku ingat. begitu excited nak tunjuk pada kekasih hati yang aku ni seorang artis dalam dunia kecil ciptaan sendiri.
whatsapp berbalas.

"banyak nya masa you. macam kanak-kanak" - dia.

seperti dilambung tinggi dan terderai di lantai - gitu lah rasanya bilamana orang yang aku sayangkan (ketika itu) meranap saki-baki semangat aku untuk menghadap hari-hari esok.

***

"why Fara...?", suara Val mengetuk layar memori lama.

mata aku kembali berpusat pada Val. perlahan, aku mengatur ayat dan meluahkan bahawasanya orang-orang seperti kekasih hati itu telahpun memadamkan nafsu berahi aku untuk berkarya. betul - bukan dia seorang saja yang menyerang sendi jiwa seni aku. ada lagi yang melaku-sama. aku give up, senang cerita.

"ok, do you mind if i give you a homework?"

aku angkat kening.
Morrie Schwartz pernah kasi homework pada Mitch Albom ke?

"what is it?"
"today, i would like you to draw"
"drawing what?"
"anything", Val tersenyum.

ah, senyuman apa tu?!

"anything?"
"yes, anything"
"it doesn't matter whether it's a sad one or a happy one?"
"doesn't matter. you can draw anything you like and i want you to show to me the next tuesday"

***

homework pertama

seorang aku, kata Val, telah diluahkan dalam sebuah lukisan di atas. gadis itu adalah aku. seorang yang cantik di luar tapi berbirat di dalam. kalau dibanding-banding sisi kiri dan kanan, dia tahu yang aku sedang sakit. mata yang tertutup dengan titisan yang hadir. bibir yang hitam dan sedang melurut jatuh serta urai rambut yang kusut, tak bersikat. tak ada sinar, what a shame.
tambah Val, dia mahu sisi kanan gadis itu terhadir semula - yang matanya adalah galak dan ceria, bibir merah yang tersenyum dan rambut yang disisir elok bersama reben. dia yakin yang sisi kanan gadis masih lagi bernyawa. cumanya - gadis perlukan jalan pulang.

maka, langkah pertama gadis - seni.

awal-awal kerja rumah aku bertemakan sedih.
bukan Val yang tetapkan. malah, bukan aku sendiri.
cuma, tangan aku yang menarikan rentak ni.

terkadang, aku cuma mahu bermain dengan warna.
sebab effort mewarna sedikit kurang daripada melukis + mewarna.

kebetulan, aku kena buat presentation tentang praktikum di Auckland.
orang lain guna PowerPoint, aku je yang pakai document camera dan
lukisan-lukisan aku.

aku beralih ke satu level yang lain - mewarna atas kanvas.

kemudian, aku cuba melukis dan mewarna atas kanvas.
tak lama lepas tu, aku belajar buat kraft atas kanvas.

daripada fasa me-layu, tangan aku rupanya mula menarikan rentak lain.
stroke aku berjinak menggariskan senyuman pada watak-watak.

tapi, hari tak selalunya cerah. rasa pedih tetap ada.
and it's ok to feel that way.

empat lukisan ni, tidak lagi bercerita tentang aku sahaja.
ianya lebih kepada tentang hubungan baru aku.

hari selasa terakhir bersama Val, aku hadiahkan ini.

#selftherapy
#selftherapyproject
#tuesdaywithVal


generasi 11 #6

wear our shoes, then you'll know how it feels

it's been awhile i didn't write anything related to tesl course, eit? oh well, my life is a bit jumpy lately and everyday, i have things to look forward to.
i know, some of you might have read my updates from other social networking sources and some might not have any clues what's going on to me. well, i'll save the story in the next post (if God permits), so stay tune, people.

anyway.

today i don't have any specific topic (regarding tesl) to be discussed with. after all, i didn't get any emails anymore from strangers, asking about tesl. i bet, my blog has pretty heaps of information? i don't know. i hope those links on the right side (referring to tesl : generasi #1, #2, #3, #4 and #5) have helped people in so many ways.

it's just that i would like to highlight what the photo up there has said.

seriously - ayat last tu memang betul-betul WIN.


fasa hidup seterusnya - kerja

first, aku nak cakap yang sebulan lepas, aku tutup blog secara tiba-tiba sebab aku tak nak students aku jejak sampai ke sini. terlalu banyak yang aku kongsikan dalam kertas putih bawangmerahsquared dan sebagai seorang guru (yang profesional - kononnya), aku lebih suka untuk menjarakkan diri daripada para pelajar. they don't have to know a lot about me. it's just enough for both parties to be stood on a professional teacher-student relationship; nothing else.

tapi sekarang, aku dah habis praktikum. hampir kesemua my networking sites are unprivated again (i.e instagram, twitter and facebook). new people are welcomed to follow me, but not to be my friends on the facebook lah. i am choosy when it comes to accepting friend requests. so, please don't take things too personal. it's just me and i have my own preferences.

anyway.
panjang mukadimah aku.

introducing my mentor - Madam Hadariah Sanusi

sepanjang duabelas minggu aku ber-praktikum kat MRSM Johor Bahru, terlalu banyak ilmu yang aku kutipkan. aku kerja (secara literalnya) dari siang ke malam. hari-hari aku dimulakan seawal 6.00 pagi dan berakhir pada 12.00 tengahmalam. aku akan masuk mengajar kesemua kelas yang dipegang mentor, yakni satu kelas tingkatan dua (2 Elnath), satu kelas tingkatan tiga (3 Deneb) dan tiga kelas tingkatan empat (4 Achernar, 4 Deneb dan 4 Gacrux). kadang-kadang, aku ngajar satu lagi kelas tingkatan tiga (3 Elnath) sebab guru mereka belum habis berpantang. 
so, boleh nampak tak betapa sibuknya hari-hari praktikum aku?
itu baru cerita tentang kerja mutlak yang mengkehendakikan aku untuk punch in sebelum pukul 7.40 pagi dan punch out selepas pukul 1.00 petang.
belum lagi masuk pasal aku buat kelas tuisyen hampir setiap malam dengan budak-budak tingkatan tiga dan tingkatan empat.
yang ni aku cerita lain kali lah.

introducing my form two kids - 2 Elnath (girls)

introducing my form two kids - 2 Elnath (boys) 

introducing my form three kids - 3 Deneb

introducing my form four kids - 4 Achernar 

introducing my form four kids - 4 Deneb
whiteboard kelas tak pernah cukup ruang untuk aku  menyampaikan ilmu
*sigh*

missing in action - 4 Gacrux.
actually, aku tak perlu pun buat ni semua. cukup sekadar menjadik seorang mentee (yang mana kerjanya is less than a qualified teacher). but being me, i just couldn't help it. i myself offered my mentor a helping hand sebab, kalau tak cekau peluang gini, celah mana aku nak improve diri aku sebagai seorang guru bahasa inggeris ?
penat - ye, memang penat. kerja mana yang tak penat ?
mengajar dah satu hal. pastu, aku dilatih menanda kertas peperiksaan. tak cukup dengan tu, aku diberi tugas menjaga dewan peperiksaan. dan aku pernah stay di bilik Unit Peperiksaan dan Penilaian Maktab (UPPM) sehingga lebih pukul lima petang, semata-mata untuk menyediakan kertas soalan peperiksaan semester dua tingkatan empat (the whole batch). ala, aku pun suka buat kerja pengkeranian ni. tak bosan - duduk, dengar lagu dan stapler kertas. SENANG. jangan kau salah sangka pulak - aku tak buat soalan tapi aku tahu aa soalan apa yang keluar. 
sebab tu dua minggu berturut-turut aku drill budak-budak aku menulis esei yang confirm akan masuk peperiksaan. ni bukan perihal soalan bocor ok. aku cuma mengajar format penulisan dan hal ini dah dipersetujui oleh mentor aku sendiri. 
bila aku mengajar budak-budak, aku selalu kasi dorang kerja rumah. bukan apa, when it comes to writing, this skill demands you to do a lot of practice in order to sustain or to improve your level of English competency. not only the writing skill, other skills are essential too and you still need to practice them from time to time.
senang cerita, tengok diri aku sendiri. 
aku sebenarnya dah lama tak menulis, be it in Malay or English. aku sedar, kemahiran menulis aku makin meluntur dan berkarat. kemahiran berkomunikasi apatah lagi. terasa sungguh kesukarannya bila aku berborak sama John Hope (pensyarah aku) tempoh hari di MRSM Johor Bahru. maklum lah, living in Malay society tends to influence me to speak a mix language. unlike in Auckland, New Zealand, by hook or by crook i have to be well-conversed especially in meeting my counselor and GP. 

rindu kat John Hope sangat-sangat :'(

so, back to my point. pelajar-pelajar aku memang dapat banyak latihan penulisan dan latihan tatabahasa daripada aku sendiri. dan of course, meja kerja aku tersusun dengan kertas-kertas latihan budak - dari tingkatan dua sampai lah ke tingkatan empat. because they had shown me their effort to complete my taskS, i then took an initiave to appreciate the effort by marking all the students' papers. yes, ALL.

ni baru SEBAHAGIAN meja aku

jadik, boleh kau bayangkan berapa banyak kertas yang aku menanda sehari-hari? 
ini bukan mata pelajaran matematik, sejarah ataupun geografi yang hanya menuntut pelajar memberi jawapan definit, konkrit dan berfakta.
ini bahasa inggeris - ilmu yang abstrak dan subjektif. maka, mental aku disesah untuk meneliti setiap satu idea-idea pelajar berbentukkan ayat berperenggan.

so now, do you still want to argue with me that being a teacher is an easy-peasy job?
think again. 

selain skop akademik, ada jugak aku diruangkan mendidik anak-anak bangsa kita (pergh...ayat tak boleh bla). i know i'm not a mother to them, jadik, bebelan aku takde lah serupa mak nenek. instead, i regard myself as a sister, hence, my approach is more casual, friendly and swag (i reckon HAHAHA).
that's why after a month of staying in that school, aku dah pegang banyak rahsia budak-budak. punya la rapat tak rapat aku ni dengan students 
*wink*

apa-apa pun, though i'm quite close to the students, tapi, aku lah paling sikit dapat hadiah fizikal daripada mereka, berbanding kawan-kawan praktikum aku.
hahaha
TAPI.
semua tu langsung tak penting. 
seriously.
sebab, apa yang penting - ilmu.
i learned too many things from that school.

for that, thank you MRSM Johor Bahru.
until next time - cheers.