keamanan

before i proceed to today's topic, i'd like to show you how drastically i was in keeping my blog for the past two years. i just realize that the number has dropped significantly, showing that i was in a real deep shit from 2012 to 2014. take a look on it.

from 105 to 45, to 29 - which wows me in awe
(click for a larger view)

anyway, that's just an interlude before we go to our serious business. takde lah serius mana but what i'm about to talk about is something we, as a human being, experience in our life - relationship. and this time, i'm totally being open and i'll talk about relationship between males and females.

AWKKKWARRRDDDDD 

yup, that's right. o wait, disebabkan aku taknak lah sound funny blabbering about this topic (because i am no way close to the title a relationship expert), i might as well talk in english - feel less awkward gitu hahaha

so, i was watching this video produced by an Asian vlogger and after one video to another video, it so happened i already watched 63 videos of hers in a day! from there, i just knew she broke up with her boyfriend who is also a vlogger/actor/tv host, after two years of dating. fun thing about her, in this one particular video, she was live performing a song she wrote about a cat in which the lyric was really symbolic and metaphor-ed on her current situation. she got her ex on the same stage and the three of them (her singing partner, the boyfriend and herself) seemed to enjoy the sing occasion.

i like this girl because she played it cool, though i know it must be hard for her. what more the boyfriend once said - hey we can be friends. 

i myself underwent several failures in relationship and if i were to count all of them, it should be four times. yup, four times babe. the first relationship was not even a relationship because i was rejected by the guy. the second one, i rejected my ex because i couldn't have a feeling on him, plus, he was a bit pushy (sorry!). the third relationship was complicated and long story cut into short, he got married with someone else. the last one - i was left by the guy without any further notice/signal/clue/warning. kiranya, gantung tak bertali lah. and the worst part is, i was attacked (i considered it as an attack) by his current girlfriend (what the fuck). so, upon the attack, i told myself - o, that's completely over between you and me.

i never feel proud with these episodes going on in my life because they leave me with scars, pain, agony and the feel of "you're a loser". but, the truth is, they are part of the reasons of making me to become who i am now. i learn a lot - REAL a lot and one of the lessons learned is that, i need to forgive and to forget. oh yeah, the latter one, of course, i can't do it in a go, seriously. it takes awhile to move on, ergo, i have to allow myself giving the me as much time as i need so that i'll be ok again and healed. 

this so-called meditation (which is to forgive and forget) leads me to make a peace with those exes. you heard me, gal - make a peace yaww.

well, some people don't get it - how the hell i am, to be totally ok in keeping in touch with these guys who once broke my heart. the rule is simple - reconcile with the person, telling him that this relationship is not gonna work and we both need to be apart, provided it has to be in a good term. it's like you're saying "i'm out of here and you should too. but keep in mind, this is for the best for both of us. i'm happy with this decision. you're happy with this decision. and we can always come back and be together as FRIENDS).
i make a peace with all of them except the last one (maybe some time in the near future we will catch up and reconcile, who knows right?). i made a point that i am still his friend that perhaps we can go for a coffee or talk on phone or hang out for a movie or what ever. BUT. it has to be on a different level of relationship - no more lovey dovey stuff. it has to be as clean as it is because i'm not gonna go back to the shit we both once did. lucky me, the exes got the message and that's why i still can bid them birthday wishes, say hello via whatsapp, crack some jokes on phone and sometimes, go back to the past and laugh to the silliness of us two. 

to me, THAT'S the beauty of making a peace with your ex(es).

so, my point is, no doubt it's difficult to get over with your break up, thus, take as much time as you want as long as you get back on your feet and work your fucking asshole. after all, life goes on and you need to keep on moving. don't limit yourself and don't get cemented by your past. just believe that maybe, someday, you might bump into that one significant other of yours at the right time and at the right place. from there, you still can create your own fairy tale and IF it's meant to be not working again, it's ok. pat your shoulder and say "at least you've tried".

also, if you could, please make a peace with the person you used to love, adore and care. there's nothing wrong to put up a white flag together and be friends again. 

don't you think so?

p/s : as i said earlier, i'm not a relationship expert. this is just my opinion based on my true experiences.

harap maklum.

selasa bersama Val #32

"what do you like to do, Fara?"

salah satu soalan Val masa awal-awal kami bertemu empat mata, yakni pada hari selasa aku datang ke bilik dia. selasa yang bakal mengubah hidup aku. selasa yang pertama.

"i like arts"

"oh? that's nice. what kind of arts?"

"em...i like to draw...sometimes i like to do some handcrafts"

"so--"

"but, i stop doing those things...i don't do arts anymore"

"why...?"

mata aku terkalih ke dinding belakang Val. hakikatnya, aku tak mahu lagi bertentang mata dengan Val. aku tak nak dia tahu yang soalan "why" itu sebenarnya membukak pedih aku.

***

aku hantarkan salah satu hasil seni pada dia. gembira - itu yang aku ingat. begitu excited nak tunjuk pada kekasih hati yang aku ni seorang artis dalam dunia kecil ciptaan sendiri.

whatsapp berbalas.

"banyak nya masa you. macam kanak-kanak" - dia.

seperti dilambung tinggi dan terderai di lantai - gitu lah rasanya bilamana orang yang aku sayangkan (ketika itu) meranap saki-baki semangat aku untuk menghadap hari-hari esok.

***

"why Fara...?", suara Val mengetuk layar memori lama.

mata aku kembali berpusat pada Val. perlahan, aku mengatur ayat dan meluahkan bahawasanya orang-orang seperti kekasih hati itu telahpun memadamkan nafsu berahi aku untuk berkarya. betul - bukan dia seorang saja yang menyerang sendi jiwa seni aku. ada lagi yang melaku-sama. aku give up, senang cerita.

"ok, do you mind if i give you a homework?"

aku angkat kening.

Morrie Schwartz pernah kasi homework pada Mitch Albom ke?

"what is it?"

"today, i would like you to draw"

"drawing what?"

"anything", Val tersenyum.

ah, senyuman apa tu?!

"anything?"

"yes, anything"

"it doesn't matter whether it's a sad one or a happy one?"

"doesn't matter. you can draw anything you like and i want you to show to me the next tuesday"

***

homework pertama

seorang aku, kata Val, telah diluahkan dalam sebuah lukisan di atas. gadis itu adalah aku. seorang yang cantik di luar tapi berbirat di dalam. kalau dibanding-banding sisi kiri dan kanan, dia tahu yang aku sedang sakit. mata yang tertutup dengan titisan yang hadir. bibir yang hitam dan sedang melurut jatuh serta urai rambut yang kusut, tak bersikat. tak ada sinar, what a shame.
tambah Val, dia mahu sisi kanan gadis itu terhadir semula - yang matanya adalah galak dan ceria, bibir merah yang tersenyum dan rambut yang disisir elok bersama reben. dia yakin yang sisi kanan gadis masih lagi bernyawa. cumanya - gadis perlukan jalan pulang.

maka, langkah pertama gadis - seni.

awal-awal kerja rumah aku bertemakan sedih.
bukan Val yang tetapkan. malah, bukan aku sendiri.
cuma, tangan aku yang menarikan rentak ni.

terkadang, aku cuma mahu bermain dengan warna.
sebab effort mewarna sedikit kurang daripada melukis + mewarna.

kebetulan, aku kena buat presentation tentang praktikum di Auckland.
orang lain guna PowerPoint, aku je yang pakai document camera dan
lukisan-lukisan aku.

aku beralih ke satu level yang lain - mewarna atas kanvas.

kemudian, aku cuba melukis dan mewarna atas kanvas.
tak lama lepas tu, aku belajar buat kraft atas kanvas.

daripada fasa me-layu, tangan aku rupanya mula menarikan rentak lain.
stroke aku berjinak menggariskan senyuman pada watak-watak.

tapi, hari tak selalunya cerah. rasa pedih tetap ada.
and it's ok to feel that way.

empat lukisan ni, tidak lagi bercerita tentang aku sahaja.
ianya lebih kepada tentang hubungan baru aku.

hari selasa terakhir bersama Val, aku hadiahkan ini.

#selftherapy

#selftherapyproject

#tuesdaywithVal

bila dah masuk tahun terakhir universiti dan kau tanyakan - "kenapa eh aku amek kos ni ?"

***

aku katakan pada abah, 

"my english is good but that doesn't mean i can be a good teacher -- ?"

tapi, being abah, dia ada je jawapan nak menyangkal aku semula. dia suruh aku kerja keras lagi. sekeras ke arah menjadik seorang pendidik. ikutkan rasa, jiwa aku ni bukanlah nak jadik cikgu mrsm. seriously, that's not my dream. not even my desired career. aku pernah bagitahu pada family aku, 

"in bukan tak suka jadik cikgu. cuma, nak jadik cikgu tu, boleh. 

tapi in tak nak duduk dalam education system negara kita"

ok. bunyik seperti angkuh. buuuttt, i have my own justification.

the  point is that, aku bukan nak cerita soal "kenapa eh aku amek kos ni". dah masuk tahun terakhir weh. apa kes nak tanya soalan sebegitu. might as well i just keep moving on and harung segala apa yang ada kat depan mata. 

seperti kata dia, dua tahun lepas (yang memukul aku untuk tidak menoleh belakang lagi),

"takkan i nak back off? nak tak nak, hadap je lah. kalau nak stress pun, 

tak bawak hasil. so, study je lah"

and now he's currently doing housemanship somewhere under the blue sky. i tell you what, muka dia serius kott masa dia cakap tu. although he was driving, i could see from the slight of my right side, there was no curve on his face. he sounded like abang-abang dan aku bagi muka "err...ok". just after that he looked at me and smiled. kalau tak buat muka adorable, mahu dia nak senyum?

harapan laaaahhhhh

so, nak kata english competency aku bagus, tidak lah kan. cakap pun tak berhabuk (tak caya, kau tanya la anwar-noor-azam-pelajar-perubatan-tahun-keenam-di-cairo-university). sebab tu aku amek subjek ESOL sepanjang aku ada kat auckland university. aku nak kasi mantap lagi tahap bahasa inggeris aku. kasi asah sikit biar tajam. kasi pacak sikit biar teguh.

just imagine, i started learning the language since i was six, yet, i still think i'm not good enough, especially the listening skill. 

buat malu, bukan ?

that's why, i never stop putting an effort to practice the language. contohnya, (meh sini aku bukak cerita) -

sepanjang cuti musim panas ni, aku dah mula tonton english movies without subtitle. before this, subtitles are my main priority. kalau takde subtitles, aku takmo tengok. 

kebanyakan english movies yang aku tengok (dan telah disisipkan dengan english subtitles daripada podnapisi.net), disedut masuk daripada cakera keras kawan-kawan aku, yakni budak-budak laki. dorang ni spesis rajin memuat turun pelbagai cerita. dan PELBAGAI CERITA tu termasuklah true blood dan the skin i live in. 

well, alex dah siap-siap khabarkan aku,

"weh, kalau mana-mana cerita yang kau amek ni, tetiba ada scene tak sepatutnya, 

pandai-pandai lah kau tutup mata"

urgh, how should i know. sebab aku amek cerita daripada dorang secara rambang. mana yang rasa tajuknya best, aku amek. mana tak best, aku pandang sebelah mata je.

pengajaran : don't judge a movie by its title.

ATAU

pengajaran : don't take any movies from boys.

HAHAHAHA

***

true blood mengisahkan sookie stackhouse, seorang pelayan restoran yang mempunyai keupayaan telepati, bertemu dengan bill compton, seorang pontianak (yang kacak) di sebuah perkampungan selatan louisiana. drama bersiri ni mempunyai tahap rating yang agak tinggi (8.2/10) dan dah masuk musim ketujuh dah pun. aku cuma amek musim pertama daripada irfan dan yang tak syoknya, episod terakhir musim pertama seolah-olah tergantung tak bertali. sakit hati jugak. maka, aku gigihkan diri mencarik episod-episod musim kedua di laman sosial. bak kata orang, usaha itu tangga kejayaan; kalau tak dipecahkan ruyung mana nak dapat sagunya. akhirnya, tercapailah keinginan aku bila ketemu megashare.sh. aha, bukan takat musim dua je aku dapat, musim seterusnya pun ada woi. but the downside is, there are no subtitles. ergo, starting from that point, i watch every english movies without any subtitles. 

mula-mula, cukup payah nak tangkap sebutan bahasa inggeris dalam siri true blood sebab mereka berbahasa texan english (which i barely use to it). aku tengok forrest gump pun sekali-dua. itupun berbantukan subtitle. jadik, aku tak tumpukan sepenuh perhatian pada sebutan texan english. 

seperti kebanyakan orang melayu, kita semua biasa menonton cerita american english. aku pun tak faham kenapa. padahal, dulu, kita dijajah british kott? kalau nak dikira dalam rekod hidup aku lah kan, cerita british english yang aku tengok cuma harry potter, never let me go dan skins. 

lain ? 

american english.

dan sejak berada di perantauan, i try to pick up the new zealand english as well as australian english. dah aku asek ada appointment with my medical team and university academic staff - nak tak nak kena belajar bahasa inggeris merek jugak. tahun pertama di perantauan boleh dikatakan sedikit mencabar. mungkin sebab faktor ketidakbiasaan dengan etnografinya. tapi, lama-lama, dah rasa biasa. in fact, you might speak english just like you're speaking your mother tongue. 

itu lah bonus duduk di perantauan :)

back to the true blood series.

aku tak larat nak sambung tengok musim ketiga dan seterusnya. cukup lah sampai musim kedua. itupun, aku dah rasa cukup merepek cerita tu. plus with those obscene acts, aku syak, ilmu kat kepala aku pun dah makin lesap. kott ye pun nak asah bahasa inggeris, agak-agak la sikit, ye dok?

so far, ni lah cerita-cerita yang aku tengok di megashare.sh :

1. homefront

2. the avengers

3. the holiday

4. the fast and the furious 

5. 2 fast 2 furious

6. the fast and the furious tokyo drift

7. fast five

8. fast and furious 6

nota untuk budak-budak tesl kolej mara seremban:

tak perlu la kamu dok tengok sangat cerita cinta-cinta korea tu. bukannya kamu nak terbang ke korea pun.

nak tengok tu boleh. tapi, beragak sikit. ok?

lebihkan cerita-cerita bahasa inggeris. yang mana dah selalu sangat tengok american english, boleh cuba biasakan diri dengan loghat inggeris yang lain. pergi tengok my kitchen rules pun lagi bagus. bertambah kosa kata kamu, lebih-lebih lagi kata adjektif #serioustalk.

p/s : aku tahu ramai budak tesl adalah perempuan. dan perempuan suka sangat layankan cerita korea. tapi aku tak termasuk eh dalam golongan perempuan sebegitu 

MUAHAHAHA

tenggelam

tapi belum lemas lagi.

penyimpan

kereta dia menyusur perlahan ke parking lot dan bila kedudukan kereta dah betul-betul dia adjust-kan, dia hulurkan aku tiket parking.

enjin dimatikan.

"you-" aku suakan semula tiket.

"you simpan lah (pintu kereta dibukak). i'm not the best keeper" aku katakan pada dia.

"not the best keeper?" dia pandang aku sambil tekan butang lock.

kereta terkunci.

"dah tu, macam mana you keep my heart?" 

sentap.

berhenti

habis settle kan hal jersey, aku dan dia turun ke parking lot. 

dia keluarkan not sepuluh.

"ni je i ada. biar lah" perlahan dia menyebut, tapi cukup untuk telinga aku menangkap.

"kejap" aku terus galikan satchel.

"ada?"

"ala, duapuluh sen je"

dia senyum.

"jom. tengok dalam kereta ada ke tak"

"hmm...takde. tak cukup" dia geleng.

"i...(sambil periksa satchel lagi sekali). ok, semuanya syiling singapore" aku gelak.

"jom lah, kita tukar duit" aku suggest.

"ada ke?"

"maybe we should buy something kott" 

lif naik ke tingkat dua.

"kita pergi daily fresh? i like things over there" aku cepat-cepat buat pilihan.
dan dia mengikut.

"ok, choose. gelato sedap. tapi tak tahu lah gelato sini. kat auckland punya sedap"

dia pandang kosong pada menu.

berfikir, barangkali.

"mana-mana lah" 

"pilih lah..."

"i tak tahu" dia jujurkan.

"ok, amek cookies"

"petang ni, tak skipping. pagi tadi pulak, cuma jalan" aku sengaja bukak topik sementara tunggu gelato.

"kenapa you nak kurus?" dia soal tiba-tiba.

aku pandang dia.

tarik nafas.

cuba cari perkataan sekilas.

"sebab...(aku keluarkan not sepuluh. bayar pada penjual). sebab, my friend kata i gemuk"

"your friend?"

aku angguk.

"kalau i cakap you kurus, boleh tak you stop buat semua ni?"

"you nak i berhenti diet?"

sampai ke malam, terngiang-ngiang lagi permintaan dia.