myCupOfTea

kenapa myCupOfTea?

baru tadi aku google asal-usul frasa myCupOfTea. ouh, by the way, abang aku pernah cakap - setiap peribahasa ada jalan ceritanya. manusia tak senang-senang cipta macam tu je - ting! terus keluar peribahasa. no, no. it doesn't work that way.

"There are a large amount of different drinks available on the earth today, and many people have a preference as to what they drink. One of the more common beverages people consume is tea. In fact, tea is considered to be the most widely consumed beverage in the world next to water. Indeed, tea is a widely known drink that is enjoyed by millions of people. Thus, the idea for this phrase is that when someone or something is to a person's liking, they liken it to a cup of tea" [sumber]

so.

kenapa myCupOfTea?

sebab aku suka dia. suka tengok gaya dia, cara dia, watak dia. suka lah. tapi, seperti yang pernah aku jujurkan pada dia jua, suka tu belum cecah tahap cinta. masih merangkak-rangkak. dan dia pun bertatih lagi - kata dia lahhh. mungkin satu hari nanti, kami berdua akan jatuh cinta (insyaAllah). for the time being, aku mengikut arus. sepertinya, takdir menuliskan yang dia pemilik tulang rusuk aku. 

macam kebanyakan orang lain, kakak aku pernah tanya (ketika kami dalam kereta, baru sudah hantar umi abah tunaikan umrah) - "apa yang buat kau suka pada dia eh?"

aku termenung sekejap. 

kenapa eh?

ikutkan, rata-rata orang sekeliling aku (terutama tesl girls) tahu betapa kisah cinta aku is one kind of hell. aku mendamping rasa cinta sejak zaman kolej mara seremban lagi. patah hati toksah cakap lah. BERKALI. and my problem is always to have difficulty in moving on and getting back on my feet. azabnya la haih. to a point, aku rasa kecewa dan aku patut berhenti menyeksa jiwa raga aku. i have to be selfish, somehow.

jadik, untuk menjawab persoalan kakak, aku katakan yang aku rasa senang dengan dia. senang, as in, aku ok dengan dia. dia buat aku rasa selamat dan tenang. well, aku kan jenis panik-tak-tentu-hala. kalau diberi situasi cemas, aku mungkin dah lari lintangpukang macam orang gila. while him? sedamai kau tengok bukit hijau laksana saujana mata memandang, sebegitu lah dia. cool af.

and that's why people say - to get married is to complement each other.

seperti yang aku katakan tadi, kami berdua adalah dua manusia yang baru nak kenal hati budi. we're getting there (insyaAllah). but how do we end up to have a mutual agreement which led us to this engagement?

nanti aku cerita.

stay tuned.

for many years to come

a letter to whom it may concern

Hi again,

So, I read your email the moment it went through and I was thinking, yeah, I should have made myself a bit busy. And here's my Saturday - 

I was supposed to do an inspection in aspuri this morning but I had to proceed with my part time job. Both were obviously collided at the same time, so, I texted my ketua aras to still do the inspection on behalf of me. I couldn't afford to let go off my part time job this time just because I went back to Melaka last weekend (remember?). Ok. I attended the job - well, it's actually an English tuition (a one-to-one and I charge the kid RM 30 per hour, what do you think?). It went good. The kid seemed to be satisfied for the first round. She told me she learnt a lot from me since before this, she only writes English based on her 9-years-experience in school. She hasn't got a proper education particularly in writing English. I kind of..er..I don't know. Pity on her? But at the same time I'm glad she was happy. The grin on her face clearly showed that she felt all this is going to be worthwhile.

Packing up my stuff in the staff room (the tuition was conducted at my working space) and quickly headed to my car. I started the engine and drove to Baling to do my grocery. It was quite surprising though because the supermarket I went to is having a renovation. I don't know since when it happens - I rarely do grocery, to be honest. I picked anything I wanted - pita bread, carrots, cabbage, lemons, maggie (curry flavour), dark chocolate bar (the small one), peanuts, frozen curry puff, french fries (thin-cut ones, just like the McD's), noodles paste (i'm bad at cooking, so I opt for something easy) and not to forget, I called my mom when I stood right in front of bakery shelves. I asked her which flour should I buy to make onde2/buah melaka. She told me it's glutinous rice flour (ah!). So, I grabbed one as well as palm sugar. Back in Auckland, I couldn't find the usual Malaysian palm sugar (the brownish black). I substituted it with palm sugar imported from China (it's very light brownish). Anyhow, the taste is closed enough to our onde2/buah melaka. Now, the only thing I couldn't find in the supermarket is desiccated coconut. I dashed to a pay counter, handed my debit card and drove back to Pengkalan Hulu.

At that time, it was already 2.30pm. My tummy was grumbling. I hadn't have anything since morning. I parked in front of a mamak stall and ordered a takeaway half-plate nasi kandar. Just then, I noticed there was a wet market next to the mamak stall. So, I went to it to get my coconut. Unlucky me, there wasn't any - "depa dah lama tak hantaq kelapa naakk" . Fine, pakcik. Fine.

Finally. Home.

Took all my grocery items and...surprise surprise. My fridge was broken down. The ice on the top compartment went melting. I was panic (as usual) but I tried to make myself cool. Oh, by the way, I'm home alone. Both my housemates went back to their hometown. They are the locals. So. The fridge. I texted the warden's whatsapp group, to whom should I contact to fix this problem. A KH teacher asked me whether the plug was functioning well or otherwise. Being me, I only studied KH for the theoretical sake, not the practicality. I asked the group again - how should I know that? Other senior wardens started responding - "you soooo cute In" "In..in..you so funny" urgghhhh I was being real and panicky and did not know what to do. How could they possibly find this isn't serious? Long story short, it was actually the adapter that wasn't working, hence shutting down the fridge. Performed the zohor prayer, ate the unappetizing nasi kandar (I will never ever buy it) and drove to a hardware shop in Pengkalan Hulu to get a new one. 

Great. The fridge is back on its feet.

5-ish in the evening.

My girls were ranting lots of stuff on the whatssapp group. One was complaining about her wedding thingy - the dress, the dates, the fiance (HAHAHA), the invitation (and I was thinking - is it this hard to organize a wedding?? oh dear). One was talking about how alone she was at the moment, hence a chocolate moist cake all by herself (what a craze). One was sharing about her course in Lenggong before posting to an MRSM. And me? Well. I just spiced up every little thing they said heeee

6.11pm.

I decided to wash my car. Parked it right in front of the so-called yard. Got the micro fiber towel and car shampoo. I ended it at 6.45pm and since I had few minutes before 7pm, I thought, perhaps I should go to aspuri to check on kids.

Oh yes. I suddenly turned into a grumpy, fierce warden. I took those names who were late to clear the block (hihi!). I bet kids were never expecting I would be there around this hour. 

Alright.

I think I need to pen off now. I have to get ready for my kids' speaking test. Besides, this reply has been a long one. 

Don't you think my Saturday is busy enough?

Thanks for the advice - appreciate it much.

Until then, take care.

I see you in the next letter.

Loves,

In.

Rx - TESL

Currently writing in the staff room while waiting for my class - -

So, hi.

We meet again. I'm still breathing (thank God). I'm still surviving (yes, I am).

I'm actually not that OK - emotionally. Physically - yes, I am. I'm doing good. I took meals these past few days. In fact, I binged eating. But, that's only for a day. The next day, I fasted from dawn till dusk. Anyway, since I know I'm not OK, I contacted Val. I whatsapped her and showed her few of my artworks. She complimented me. I was happy. Drawing is the exact medium to express my emotions. Though I draw sad faces, I manage to draw smiles at the same time. I can't lose hope. Even if the world is shutting down, I have to have a hope to be happy (at least). That's why there is a few smiles in my drawing.

In conjunction of Inktober2016, I try my best to keep up with it. It's literally a challenge for me because I have to juggle my working life as a teacher and my own personal life. Sometimes, I stay awake at night to finish up my drawing. I don't know. Some people might see it absurd - why would you torture yourself, burning the midnight oil just for the sake of inking some white papers? - but the truth is, it's a satisfaction to me. I want to let go of my feelings. I want to let go of the burden I've been shouldering all by myself. Yes, I do feel lonely. It's just enough with being alone for most of the time. Lonely? It's a total disaster. 

So far, I have drawn six doodles based on the themes given by Mr. Parker. I think that's a good achievement. I should have thanked Mr. Parker for creating this Inktober2016 because I'm driven to  improve my drawing skills. Not to forget, I gradually found my signature drawing and yeah, it feels good to finally have one of your own. My drawing habit is also nurtured days by days. My fingers are no longer stiff to run curves on papers. I know I'm way behind with the Inktober2016. October is approaching its end and yet, I only have six doodles. Nonetheless, I'll keep on drawing until I finish all the themes given. 

Oh, by the way. With the themes that Mr. Parker has laid out, I also incorporate them with a sense of loving couple. AND THAT DOUBLE UP THE CHALLENGE!

Here are the doodles I created ; 

theme: Rock
theme: Broken

"we're not broken, just bend. and we can learn to love again"

  

theme: Lost

without you, i'm lost

theme: Jump

i jump over the moon whenever i think about you

theme: Transport

someday, we shall transport together to the world of ours

theme: Worried

we are of two different people - i'm always be the worried one while you're
the worried-less. even so, it is this difference that would make us
complement to each other. i hope you can stand with my insanely never-
ending worries. slap me if you must.

theme: Tree

i'd like to build a family tree with you. would you, too?

keamanan

before i proceed to today's topic, i'd like to show you how drastically i was in keeping my blog for the past two years. i just realize that the number has dropped significantly, showing that i was in a real deep shit from 2012 to 2014. take a look on it.

from 105 to 45, to 29 - which wows me in awe
(click for a larger view)

anyway, that's just an interlude before we go to our serious business. takde lah serius mana but what i'm about to talk about is something we, as a human being, experience in our life - relationship. and this time, i'm totally being open and i'll talk about relationship between males and females.

AWKKKWARRRDDDDD 

yup, that's right. o wait, disebabkan aku taknak lah sound funny blabbering about this topic (because i am no way close to the title a relationship expert), i might as well talk in english - feel less awkward gitu hahaha

so, i was watching this video produced by an Asian vlogger and after one video to another video, it so happened i already watched 63 videos of hers in a day! from there, i just knew she broke up with her boyfriend who is also a vlogger/actor/tv host, after two years of dating. fun thing about her, in this one particular video, she was live performing a song she wrote about a cat in which the lyric was really symbolic and metaphor-ed on her current situation. she got her ex on the same stage and the three of them (her singing partner, the boyfriend and herself) seemed to enjoy the sing occasion.

i like this girl because she played it cool, though i know it must be hard for her. what more the boyfriend once said - hey we can be friends. 

i myself underwent several failures in relationship and if i were to count all of them, it should be four times. yup, four times babe. the first relationship was not even a relationship because i was rejected by the guy. the second one, i rejected my ex because i couldn't have a feeling on him, plus, he was a bit pushy (sorry!). the third relationship was complicated and long story cut into short, he got married with someone else. the last one - i was left by the guy without any further notice/signal/clue/warning. kiranya, gantung tak bertali lah. and the worst part is, i was attacked (i considered it as an attack) by his current girlfriend (what the fuck). so, upon the attack, i told myself - o, that's completely over between you and me.

i never feel proud with these episodes going on in my life because they leave me with scars, pain, agony and the feel of "you're a loser". but, the truth is, they are part of the reasons of making me to become who i am now. i learn a lot - REAL a lot and one of the lessons learned is that, i need to forgive and to forget. oh yeah, the latter one, of course, i can't do it in a go, seriously. it takes awhile to move on, ergo, i have to allow myself giving the me as much time as i need so that i'll be ok again and healed. 

this so-called meditation (which is to forgive and forget) leads me to make a peace with those exes. you heard me, gal - make a peace yaww.

well, some people don't get it - how the hell i am, to be totally ok in keeping in touch with these guys who once broke my heart. the rule is simple - reconcile with the person, telling him that this relationship is not gonna work and we both need to be apart, provided it has to be in a good term. it's like you're saying "i'm out of here and you should too. but keep in mind, this is for the best for both of us. i'm happy with this decision. you're happy with this decision. and we can always come back and be together as FRIENDS).
i make a peace with all of them except the last one (maybe some time in the near future we will catch up and reconcile, who knows right?). i made a point that i am still his friend that perhaps we can go for a coffee or talk on phone or hang out for a movie or what ever. BUT. it has to be on a different level of relationship - no more lovey dovey stuff. it has to be as clean as it is because i'm not gonna go back to the shit we both once did. lucky me, the exes got the message and that's why i still can bid them birthday wishes, say hello via whatsapp, crack some jokes on phone and sometimes, go back to the past and laugh to the silliness of us two. 

to me, THAT'S the beauty of making a peace with your ex(es).

so, my point is, no doubt it's difficult to get over with your break up, thus, take as much time as you want as long as you get back on your feet and work your fucking asshole. after all, life goes on and you need to keep on moving. don't limit yourself and don't get cemented by your past. just believe that maybe, someday, you might bump into that one significant other of yours at the right time and at the right place. from there, you still can create your own fairy tale and IF it's meant to be not working again, it's ok. pat your shoulder and say "at least you've tried".

also, if you could, please make a peace with the person you used to love, adore and care. there's nothing wrong to put up a white flag together and be friends again. 

don't you think so?

p/s : as i said earlier, i'm not a relationship expert. this is just my opinion based on my true experiences.

harap maklum.

merelakan

31 Januari 2015

usai selesai merewang, aku melayan handphone. tak ada apa yang menarik sebenarnya, tapi sebab sekarang aku tak nak rasa bosan, aku layankan je lah. makcik dah siap masak. kak rabieah dah siap cuci tandas. yang lain-lain ada kat depan. suha and the gang tak letih bermain. rumah makcik riuh kali ni sebab semua dah mula berkumpul. anak-anak makcik dah pulang akhirnya. yang ipar-duai pun ada sekali. 

"nak balik in?" 

dia grab kunci kereta atas kabinet. aku tengok jam tangan - 5.30 petang.

"tak kott...stay je lah. ke sher nak pergi mana?"

"sher nak pergi bank, masuk duit. kalau nak stay, takpe lah"

"eh jap. in tanya kak bieah, ada kerja lagi ke tak"

"dah takde kerja dah, in. awak nak stay boleh, nak balik pun boleh. lepas maghrib awak datang kan?"

"datang..."

"ha, datang dengan mak tau" kak bieah hulur tangan.

"ok kak. kalau takde apa, in balik dulu lah"

"ok dik. thank you tau"

tangan bersalam.

sekali dengan makcik yang ada kat ruang tamu, aku cium tangan makcik yang menua. makcik sempat pesan, datang dengan parents untuk majlis malam ni. aku mengangguk, senyum dan pergi.

"sher! tunggu in"

dan masa tu jugak, suha and the gang datang menceceh. 

suha, naim, syikin, aisyah - anak-anak sedara dia, atau, cucu-cucu makcik.

"suha nak ikut ke?" aku tanya ringkas.

"tak payah. suha duduk rumah je" dia dah lebih men-dulu-kan jawapan.

suha mencebik.

aku alihkan pandangan dari suha ke dia.

garang sangat busu suha ni.

***

"bila balik sana?" aku robohkan sunyi dalam kereta.

cuti dia kali ni tak lama. lebih kurang dua bulan. itupun dia mintak extend dari profesor sebab arwah pergi dengan tiba-tiba. agak terkejut. semuanya cepat sangat. aku sendiri tak tersangka. susah nak digest with everything. arwah - orangnya sihat. cuma, ye lah, kaki dah tak kuat. jalan pun bertongkat. arwah pernah cakap pada aku - "pakcik tak nak susahkan sesiapa" dan permintaan arwah termakbul. arwah meninggal tanpa siapa-siapa dengan dia. 

serangan jantung.

"enambelas haribulan ni" dia jawab ringkas.

korea dengan malaysia.

tak jauh, tapi, masih lagi dua tempat berbeza.

"ok..." aku buang pandangan ke luar tingkap kereta. 

tak dapat nak menahan rasa sedih. tak sanggup tunjukkan raut mata yang sayu. goodbyes are always hard for me. always have, always will. aku membatu, ter-hilang kata untuk respon yang seterusnya. sebab tika ini, aku berkira-kira mencari jalan menenangkan resah aku sendiri. i tried to hold on to the pieces of strength i have in this soul. 

"hei..." dia menyiku aku.

"em..." dan aku menunduk, masih lagi benyek.

"kena balik jugak ke?" aku menyoal dia.

petang tu, dia hantarkan aku dengan walang yang membalut kemas hati aku yang sedia merapuh. penat membaikpulih serpih-serpih yang ada dengan saki baki kudrat yang tak seberapa. sekali lagi, hancur ia dibuat manusia bernama laki. tapi kali ni, kecainya aku telah disandarkan dengan alasan - kami berdua punya benda untuk dikejar. komitmen hubungan boleh ditolak tepi asalkan we both have faith in each other. 

ada benda lain lagi penting dari tentang aku dan dia.

seriously, bahagia?

apa tu weh?