surat untuk sara #3

ke hadapan sayangku sara,

ok. mama dah lama tak tulis surat untuk awak. bukan mama lupa kat awak, bukan sayang. mama cuma...having a difficult phase of my life. hakikatnya, mama selalu je teringat sara. kalau mama borak dengan siapa-siapa yang terdekat dengan mama, mama akan sebut nama awak (with a H at the end). 

sara,

setiap kali mama memikirkan tentang awak, mama, up to a point, will cry all by myself. to think about you means to think about my future. and to think about future is something that scares me out. mama pernah bayangkan macam mana mama kendong awak dengan dua tangan mama ni dan mama akan tersenyum. hidung awak, mata awak, bibir awak - yang mana satu akan mewaris features mama?

seseorang pernah puji mata bundar mama (gelak). kata dia, mata mama besar. mata mama can tell few things, like, my emotions...or how i feel.

entah lah. ye la kott.

besar sangat ke mata mama awak ni, sara? ihik.

sara,

ketika mama menulis surat ni dan awak sedang bacanya, mama dah cecah 26 tahun. macam-macam benda berlaku sejak kali terakhir mama tulis surat untuk awak. dalam tempoh lima tahun tu, mama hadap too many shits. too many hurdles that i have to pass them with lots of faith and prayers. mama pernah tanya pada diri sendiri - kenapa tak boleh saja aku rempuh semua tu? biar mati terus.

tapi, kalau mama buat gitu, mama selfish, kan sayang? mama takkan jumpa awak, somehow. 

so, here i am. still. 

sara,

kalau nak diceritakan the dos and don'ts in life, terlalu banyak, sayang. even so, mama akan cuba protect awak no matter what. tapi, mama nak awak belajar sendiri jugak. taste the bitter, painful of life. sebab, dengan cara tu lah, awak akan jadik kuat. kuat macam mama. atau, lebih dari tu. mama takkan selalu ada untuk sara tapi percaya lah, sayang, doa mama akan melilit jasad dan roh awak. mama akan minta pada Tuhan untuk sentiasa lindungkan anak mama yang sorang ni :')

aahh...kenapa mata mama berair ni...

sara,

i wish you wouldn't have to face whatever i face in my life. i'm a messed one. i fail to take care of myself. and if i can't do so, how can i take care of you and abang adam? but sayang, i badly want to meet you both. seriously. i don't know why. i was thinking that perhaps both of you can be my saviour. i need to be saved. 

takpe kalau mama dah putus asa dengan hidup mama. tapi, to give up on you and abang adam is a no no. at least, to meet and have you in the future is a dream that makes me hold onto this life just a little bit more. 

sara,

mama berhenti tulis sini dulu, ya sayang? mama loves you even though we haven't met yet. i'm sure God will grant me this dream in few more years from now. i just have to be patient, that's all.

till then.

i see you in the next letter.

loves,

mama

a letter to whom it may concern

Hi again,

So, I read your email the moment it went through and I was thinking, yeah, I should have made myself a bit busy. And here's my Saturday - 

I was supposed to do an inspection in aspuri this morning but I had to proceed with my part time job. Both were obviously collided at the same time, so, I texted my ketua aras to still do the inspection on behalf of me. I couldn't afford to let go off my part time job this time just because I went back to Melaka last weekend (remember?). Ok. I attended the job - well, it's actually an English tuition (a one-to-one and I charge the kid RM 30 per hour, what do you think?). It went good. The kid seemed to be satisfied for the first round. She told me she learnt a lot from me since before this, she only writes English based on her 9-years-experience in school. She hasn't got a proper education particularly in writing English. I kind of..er..I don't know. Pity on her? But at the same time I'm glad she was happy. The grin on her face clearly showed that she felt all this is going to be worthwhile.

Packing up my stuff in the staff room (the tuition was conducted at my working space) and quickly headed to my car. I started the engine and drove to Baling to do my grocery. It was quite surprising though because the supermarket I went to is having a renovation. I don't know since when it happens - I rarely do grocery, to be honest. I picked anything I wanted - pita bread, carrots, cabbage, lemons, maggie (curry flavour), dark chocolate bar (the small one), peanuts, frozen curry puff, french fries (thin-cut ones, just like the McD's), noodles paste (i'm bad at cooking, so I opt for something easy) and not to forget, I called my mom when I stood right in front of bakery shelves. I asked her which flour should I buy to make onde2/buah melaka. She told me it's glutinous rice flour (ah!). So, I grabbed one as well as palm sugar. Back in Auckland, I couldn't find the usual Malaysian palm sugar (the brownish black). I substituted it with palm sugar imported from China (it's very light brownish). Anyhow, the taste is closed enough to our onde2/buah melaka. Now, the only thing I couldn't find in the supermarket is desiccated coconut. I dashed to a pay counter, handed my debit card and drove back to Pengkalan Hulu.

At that time, it was already 2.30pm. My tummy was grumbling. I hadn't have anything since morning. I parked in front of a mamak stall and ordered a takeaway half-plate nasi kandar. Just then, I noticed there was a wet market next to the mamak stall. So, I went to it to get my coconut. Unlucky me, there wasn't any - "depa dah lama tak hantaq kelapa naakk" . Fine, pakcik. Fine.

Finally. Home.

Took all my grocery items and...surprise surprise. My fridge was broken down. The ice on the top compartment went melting. I was panic (as usual) but I tried to make myself cool. Oh, by the way, I'm home alone. Both my housemates went back to their hometown. They are the locals. So. The fridge. I texted the warden's whatsapp group, to whom should I contact to fix this problem. A KH teacher asked me whether the plug was functioning well or otherwise. Being me, I only studied KH for the theoretical sake, not the practicality. I asked the group again - how should I know that? Other senior wardens started responding - "you soooo cute In" "In..in..you so funny" urgghhhh I was being real and panicky and did not know what to do. How could they possibly find this isn't serious? Long story short, it was actually the adapter that wasn't working, hence shutting down the fridge. Performed the zohor prayer, ate the unappetizing nasi kandar (I will never ever buy it) and drove to a hardware shop in Pengkalan Hulu to get a new one. 

Great. The fridge is back on its feet.

5-ish in the evening.

My girls were ranting lots of stuff on the whatssapp group. One was complaining about her wedding thingy - the dress, the dates, the fiance (HAHAHA), the invitation (and I was thinking - is it this hard to organize a wedding?? oh dear). One was talking about how alone she was at the moment, hence a chocolate moist cake all by herself (what a craze). One was sharing about her course in Lenggong before posting to an MRSM. And me? Well. I just spiced up every little thing they said heeee

6.11pm.

I decided to wash my car. Parked it right in front of the so-called yard. Got the micro fiber towel and car shampoo. I ended it at 6.45pm and since I had few minutes before 7pm, I thought, perhaps I should go to aspuri to check on kids.

Oh yes. I suddenly turned into a grumpy, fierce warden. I took those names who were late to clear the block (hihi!). I bet kids were never expecting I would be there around this hour. 

Alright.

I think I need to pen off now. I have to get ready for my kids' speaking test. Besides, this reply has been a long one. 

Don't you think my Saturday is busy enough?

Thanks for the advice - appreciate it much.

Until then, take care.

I see you in the next letter.

Loves,

In.

Rx - TESL

Currently writing in the staff room while waiting for my class - -

So, hi.

We meet again. I'm still breathing (thank God). I'm still surviving (yes, I am).

I'm actually not that OK - emotionally. Physically - yes, I am. I'm doing good. I took meals these past few days. In fact, I binged eating. But, that's only for a day. The next day, I fasted from dawn till dusk. Anyway, since I know I'm not OK, I contacted Val. I whatsapped her and showed her few of my artworks. She complimented me. I was happy. Drawing is the exact medium to express my emotions. Though I draw sad faces, I manage to draw smiles at the same time. I can't lose hope. Even if the world is shutting down, I have to have a hope to be happy (at least). That's why there is a few smiles in my drawing.

In conjunction of Inktober2016, I try my best to keep up with it. It's literally a challenge for me because I have to juggle my working life as a teacher and my own personal life. Sometimes, I stay awake at night to finish up my drawing. I don't know. Some people might see it absurd - why would you torture yourself, burning the midnight oil just for the sake of inking some white papers? - but the truth is, it's a satisfaction to me. I want to let go of my feelings. I want to let go of the burden I've been shouldering all by myself. Yes, I do feel lonely. It's just enough with being alone for most of the time. Lonely? It's a total disaster. 

So far, I have drawn six doodles based on the themes given by Mr. Parker. I think that's a good achievement. I should have thanked Mr. Parker for creating this Inktober2016 because I'm driven to  improve my drawing skills. Not to forget, I gradually found my signature drawing and yeah, it feels good to finally have one of your own. My drawing habit is also nurtured days by days. My fingers are no longer stiff to run curves on papers. I know I'm way behind with the Inktober2016. October is approaching its end and yet, I only have six doodles. Nonetheless, I'll keep on drawing until I finish all the themes given. 

Oh, by the way. With the themes that Mr. Parker has laid out, I also incorporate them with a sense of loving couple. AND THAT DOUBLE UP THE CHALLENGE!

Here are the doodles I created ; 

theme: Rock
theme: Broken

"we're not broken, just bend. and we can learn to love again"

  

theme: Lost

without you, i'm lost

theme: Jump

i jump over the moon whenever i think about you

theme: Transport

someday, we shall transport together to the world of ours

theme: Worried

we are of two different people - i'm always be the worried one while you're
the worried-less. even so, it is this difference that would make us
complement to each other. i hope you can stand with my insanely never-
ending worries. slap me if you must.

theme: Tree

i'd like to build a family tree with you. would you, too?

umpama esok ber-enggan sama aku

akhirnya, aku berjaya mengharung tujuh hari tujuh malam di melaka. demi hidup aku yang tersisa, pulang ke sana bukanlah sesuatu yang aku sukakan. malah, aku benci. percayalah - meluapluap kebencian aku ni. tapi, kesumat begini takkan pernah boleh difahamkan. aku sukar menyuluh sebab musababnya, maka, jalan pintasnya adalah ber-olok-olok suka. suka untuk pulang walau jiwa meronta mahu dilepaskan pergi.

pernah kau tonton adegan layar seorang gadis dirogol jantan keparat?

begitu lah soul aku - terseksa.

sehabis kudrat aku ingin lari - biar terhapus jejak jasad ini, terhilang saja tak perlu dikenangkenang lagi.

benteng pertahanan aku makin hari, makin meng-haus nipis, kau tahu? panahan-panahan selumbar sudah mula mencelah dan menerobos segenap inci dinding-dinding jantung. harfiahnya, aku betul-betul sakit.

tahan sikit, In.

itu lah mantera aku.

tapi.

my blue skies could fade to grey.

daya aku ketandusan.

lalu aku memilih sekali lagi jalan pintas - sakitkanlah apa jua yang ada asalkan angina meluput. 

-

"you look super thin...stop your diet"

"which photo?"

"your latest photo. you hardly have width"

"macam mana nak makan"

"i don't know if you find it attractive, but i don't...and it's up to you to take my advice. take care of yourself - alwaysss"

"i wonder how people eat"

"come on lah...makan je kott. you don't need to count your calories intake. it's already absurd at this point. it's killing you"

"you ni iqbaaaaaal. selalu buat aku nak nangis"

"well, i'm just telling you this...because i bother to care. please take a good care of yourself"

-

i won't make any suicidal scene.

enough with the thoughts of it keep replaying in my head.

lining up my fashion

ok.

i fuck up again. i'm broken for the same, same reason. i hate it. and that broken-hearted-emotion-stuff hits me to the rock bottom that i lose my appetite. i even starve myself because i want to take away the emotional pain. i know and i don't expect anyone of you to understand why the hell i do such hurting acts on my flesh and bones but just know that emotional pain is way, way painfuller than physical pain. i don't mind at all letting my tummy empty for more than 12 hours. i just couldn't get over the fact that i'm being hurt AGAIN.

so.

the obvious impact i get is my weight decreases massively. i haven't looked like a skinny one but people start to notice that my outfits are baggy and loose. even when i wear my kebaya, it doesn't fit me nicely. i now start to wear again my shirts and blouses which i used to wear back when i was in Auckland (i was diagnosed to suffer from eating disorder, hence my body was shrinking). i now eat less which i find it, is okay. what more, my budget is quite restricted now because i'm putting a huge amount to my savings for my future. i am told i'm being extreme - well, i don't care. one thing for sure, i run towards what i truly want. by hook or by crook, that's it.

anyway.

on a side  note, i look quite ok in a few of photos LOL

i don't know why i suddenly have this model-ish feeling hahaha

here are my work and casual outfits.

enjoy!

at times i need to rest my eyes, hence the nerdy look

about to feed my kids with extra knowledge on friday night

being a teacher requires me to be outstation too

and weekends are never that boring if i opt for outing

so loose, so don't care

the indian-malay-cultures combination

the palazzo drapes nicely, accentuating my figure

malam yang menyorot

aku tahu, kertas putih bawangmerahsquared masih lagi bernadi. segar, aliran darah pena masih wujud. aku memilih untuk menulis di sini. sekali lagi. walau aku tahu, tak kan ada lagi dah mata-mata yang padu menilik penulisan aku.

pagi tu, aku telefon umi. pesan seorang family member - "call lah umi nanti. ucapkan terima kasih". iye lah. aku turutkan saja. malas nak bertelegah sebenarnya. malas nak menerangkan masalah yang pernah ada antara aku dengan umi. aku turutkan saja. berat jugak hati aku nak telefon umi. entah lah. kadang-kadang terpikir - anak jenis apa aku ni. berdendam tak sudah. sampai sekarang, hati rasa resah. cibai betul.

bila didail nombor, aku tak mengharapkan umi akan angkat. serius. sebab saat tu, banyak benda lintas dalam benak aku. ayat-ayat yang ada, aku sengaja ciptakan untuk bersedia menahan awkwardness antara aku dengan umi. apakan daya, panggilan bersambut. aku kaget. "umi, abah tak kerja?" - soalan aku yang pertama. selalu sangat aku buat gitu. menanya perihal lain untuk lari sekejap cuma. "abah baru je keluar pergi kerja" - umi jawab. "kenapa ni?" - umi soal pulak. "takde apa. umi sihat?" - aku mula pasangkan topeng pertahanan. "ok la. sihat macam tu" - dia jawab. "harini birthday in" - terus aku pergi ke titik borak utama. "in terlupa sebenarnya. tapi bila dok kat sekolah ni, budak-budak asek ingatkan in" - aku sambungkan titik-titik yang aku rangka tadi. "ha...ye lah. umi baru nak send whatsapp. awak dah call. umi ingat je. awak tu ha" - umi berbalas. aku senyum sumbing. "dah 26 dah anak umi ni. awak tak nak kawin ke?" - umi serang. aku rebah.

mati.

keamanan

before i proceed to today's topic, i'd like to show you how drastically i was in keeping my blog for the past two years. i just realize that the number has dropped significantly, showing that i was in a real deep shit from 2012 to 2014. take a look on it.

from 105 to 45, to 29 - which wows me in awe
(click for a larger view)

anyway, that's just an interlude before we go to our serious business. takde lah serius mana but what i'm about to talk about is something we, as a human being, experience in our life - relationship. and this time, i'm totally being open and i'll talk about relationship between males and females.

AWKKKWARRRDDDDD 

yup, that's right. o wait, disebabkan aku taknak lah sound funny blabbering about this topic (because i am no way close to the title a relationship expert), i might as well talk in english - feel less awkward gitu hahaha

so, i was watching this video produced by an Asian vlogger and after one video to another video, it so happened i already watched 63 videos of hers in a day! from there, i just knew she broke up with her boyfriend who is also a vlogger/actor/tv host, after two years of dating. fun thing about her, in this one particular video, she was live performing a song she wrote about a cat in which the lyric was really symbolic and metaphor-ed on her current situation. she got her ex on the same stage and the three of them (her singing partner, the boyfriend and herself) seemed to enjoy the sing occasion.

i like this girl because she played it cool, though i know it must be hard for her. what more the boyfriend once said - hey we can be friends. 

i myself underwent several failures in relationship and if i were to count all of them, it should be four times. yup, four times babe. the first relationship was not even a relationship because i was rejected by the guy. the second one, i rejected my ex because i couldn't have a feeling on him, plus, he was a bit pushy (sorry!). the third relationship was complicated and long story cut into short, he got married with someone else. the last one - i was left by the guy without any further notice/signal/clue/warning. kiranya, gantung tak bertali lah. and the worst part is, i was attacked (i considered it as an attack) by his current girlfriend (what the fuck). so, upon the attack, i told myself - o, that's completely over between you and me.

i never feel proud with these episodes going on in my life because they leave me with scars, pain, agony and the feel of "you're a loser". but, the truth is, they are part of the reasons of making me to become who i am now. i learn a lot - REAL a lot and one of the lessons learned is that, i need to forgive and to forget. oh yeah, the latter one, of course, i can't do it in a go, seriously. it takes awhile to move on, ergo, i have to allow myself giving the me as much time as i need so that i'll be ok again and healed. 

this so-called meditation (which is to forgive and forget) leads me to make a peace with those exes. you heard me, gal - make a peace yaww.

well, some people don't get it - how the hell i am, to be totally ok in keeping in touch with these guys who once broke my heart. the rule is simple - reconcile with the person, telling him that this relationship is not gonna work and we both need to be apart, provided it has to be in a good term. it's like you're saying "i'm out of here and you should too. but keep in mind, this is for the best for both of us. i'm happy with this decision. you're happy with this decision. and we can always come back and be together as FRIENDS).
i make a peace with all of them except the last one (maybe some time in the near future we will catch up and reconcile, who knows right?). i made a point that i am still his friend that perhaps we can go for a coffee or talk on phone or hang out for a movie or what ever. BUT. it has to be on a different level of relationship - no more lovey dovey stuff. it has to be as clean as it is because i'm not gonna go back to the shit we both once did. lucky me, the exes got the message and that's why i still can bid them birthday wishes, say hello via whatsapp, crack some jokes on phone and sometimes, go back to the past and laugh to the silliness of us two. 

to me, THAT'S the beauty of making a peace with your ex(es).

so, my point is, no doubt it's difficult to get over with your break up, thus, take as much time as you want as long as you get back on your feet and work your fucking asshole. after all, life goes on and you need to keep on moving. don't limit yourself and don't get cemented by your past. just believe that maybe, someday, you might bump into that one significant other of yours at the right time and at the right place. from there, you still can create your own fairy tale and IF it's meant to be not working again, it's ok. pat your shoulder and say "at least you've tried".

also, if you could, please make a peace with the person you used to love, adore and care. there's nothing wrong to put up a white flag together and be friends again. 

don't you think so?

p/s : as i said earlier, i'm not a relationship expert. this is just my opinion based on my true experiences.

harap maklum.

merelakan

31 Januari 2015

usai selesai merewang, aku melayan handphone. tak ada apa yang menarik sebenarnya, tapi sebab sekarang aku tak nak rasa bosan, aku layankan je lah. makcik dah siap masak. kak rabieah dah siap cuci tandas. yang lain-lain ada kat depan. suha and the gang tak letih bermain. rumah makcik riuh kali ni sebab semua dah mula berkumpul. anak-anak makcik dah pulang akhirnya. yang ipar-duai pun ada sekali. 

"nak balik in?" 

dia grab kunci kereta atas kabinet. aku tengok jam tangan - 5.30 petang.

"tak kott...stay je lah. ke sher nak pergi mana?"

"sher nak pergi bank, masuk duit. kalau nak stay, takpe lah"

"eh jap. in tanya kak bieah, ada kerja lagi ke tak"

"dah takde kerja dah, in. awak nak stay boleh, nak balik pun boleh. lepas maghrib awak datang kan?"

"datang..."

"ha, datang dengan mak tau" kak bieah hulur tangan.

"ok kak. kalau takde apa, in balik dulu lah"

"ok dik. thank you tau"

tangan bersalam.

sekali dengan makcik yang ada kat ruang tamu, aku cium tangan makcik yang menua. makcik sempat pesan, datang dengan parents untuk majlis malam ni. aku mengangguk, senyum dan pergi.

"sher! tunggu in"

dan masa tu jugak, suha and the gang datang menceceh. 

suha, naim, syikin, aisyah - anak-anak sedara dia, atau, cucu-cucu makcik.

"suha nak ikut ke?" aku tanya ringkas.

"tak payah. suha duduk rumah je" dia dah lebih men-dulu-kan jawapan.

suha mencebik.

aku alihkan pandangan dari suha ke dia.

garang sangat busu suha ni.

***

"bila balik sana?" aku robohkan sunyi dalam kereta.

cuti dia kali ni tak lama. lebih kurang dua bulan. itupun dia mintak extend dari profesor sebab arwah pergi dengan tiba-tiba. agak terkejut. semuanya cepat sangat. aku sendiri tak tersangka. susah nak digest with everything. arwah - orangnya sihat. cuma, ye lah, kaki dah tak kuat. jalan pun bertongkat. arwah pernah cakap pada aku - "pakcik tak nak susahkan sesiapa" dan permintaan arwah termakbul. arwah meninggal tanpa siapa-siapa dengan dia. 

serangan jantung.

"enambelas haribulan ni" dia jawab ringkas.

korea dengan malaysia.

tak jauh, tapi, masih lagi dua tempat berbeza.

"ok..." aku buang pandangan ke luar tingkap kereta. 

tak dapat nak menahan rasa sedih. tak sanggup tunjukkan raut mata yang sayu. goodbyes are always hard for me. always have, always will. aku membatu, ter-hilang kata untuk respon yang seterusnya. sebab tika ini, aku berkira-kira mencari jalan menenangkan resah aku sendiri. i tried to hold on to the pieces of strength i have in this soul. 

"hei..." dia menyiku aku.

"em..." dan aku menunduk, masih lagi benyek.

"kena balik jugak ke?" aku menyoal dia.

petang tu, dia hantarkan aku dengan walang yang membalut kemas hati aku yang sedia merapuh. penat membaikpulih serpih-serpih yang ada dengan saki baki kudrat yang tak seberapa. sekali lagi, hancur ia dibuat manusia bernama laki. tapi kali ni, kecainya aku telah disandarkan dengan alasan - kami berdua punya benda untuk dikejar. komitmen hubungan boleh ditolak tepi asalkan we both have faith in each other. 

ada benda lain lagi penting dari tentang aku dan dia.

seriously, bahagia?

apa tu weh?

please come back home - suatu ketika dulu

there was one time, i was in a deep shit, i didn't know where to go and to whom should i speak to. i felt i was all alone, i had no one in this whole world and i thought i would fuck up in any thing i do in my life. i distant myself from most of people i know, including my housemates in which i barely talked to them even though we lived under the same roof. life was sort of bleak and black as if i was out of a glow to light up the darkness i faced.

so, after quite some time i was deadly silent, suddenly an email popped out from my gmail inbox, with its title "i miss you". it was from my big brother, asking me, where had i gone and what happened to me. he sounded worried behind every word he wrote.

and the email was finally enclosed with an attachment of a song by fort minor - where'd you go.

to his surprise, i replied the email, telling that i was in a bad condition and i was afraid if he couldn't process it if we met up. the 'bad condition' was referring to my physical appearance whereby i was diagnosed to have an eating disorder and was prone to anorexia.  at that time, i was like 38-39 kg and i was bony - seriously.  and my emailed was enclosed with this video - 
  

antara perkara sukar menjadi pelajar luar negara

aku tak pernah menyesal belajar overseas sebab itu lah perkara yang paling aku mahukan sejak kecik lagi. walaupun tanah auckland takde salji, aku kira, tu adalah satu kesyukuran. well, aku pun tak hadap sangat nak main salji. kau ingat seronok ke kalau kiri kanan jalan raya ada benda-benda putih tu? sehari dua, lawa lah. bandar pun nampak suci semacam. tapi tunggu aa tiga pat hari kemudian. salji putih dah dicemarrrr hahaha

masa aku bercuti lima hari empat malam kat queenstown, aku dah tak sabar nak balik tanah auckland pada hari ketiga sebenarnya. entah lah. aku ni bukan jenis tahan suhu sejuk. so, winter is a no-no for me.

as you are already informed, aku amek masa dua tahun untuk buat persediaan akademik sebelum berangkat ke tanah auckland. orang lain buat tiga atau dua semester. paling cepat, satu semester saja. tapi, untuk program aku, budak-budak tesl were stuck for four semesters. so, within that four semesters, some of my friends dah fly dah. cemburu tu, toksah cakap lah. aku tengah struggle dengan A-level, depa pulak dok selfie dengan euro trip lah, winter trip lah, parti sana, parti sini. but then, hujan gerimis di tengahari boleh berlaku dengan kun-fa-ya-kun daripada Tuhan. maknanya, hari tak selalu cerah. banyak cabaran duduk kat perantauan.

dan tahap kecekalan betul-betul teruji, percaya lah.

i learned to become adult when i was in auckland.

God taught me through hardships.

and He still teaches me so, here in malaysia. 

salah satu perkara yang paling aku takut bilamana aku duduk kat perantauan - aku tak dapat pulang ke tanah air kalau-kalau ada kematian orang yang tersayang. dan, sepanjang aku buat persediaan kat malaysia, banyak jugak berita-berita kematian yang kawan-kawan perantauan, terima. 

kematian bapa, kematian datuk, kematian pakcik. you just name it.

aku tahu pun sebab mereka kongsikan kat facebook. dan, melalui rantaian komen-komen serta mulut tempayan rakan-rakan, aku dimaklumkan tentang siri-siri kepayahan mereka yang mahu pulang segera ke tanah air untuk bertemu dengan jasad arwah buat kali terakhir.

kenapa aku katakan siri-siri kepayahan?

sebab the final destination (that is malaysia) seems to be so hard to reach. lepas satu, satu benda berlaku - baru lah kau sampai kat KLIA.

ada jugak yang tak berkesempatan pulang sebab tengah berjuang dengan exams, quizzes, assignments dan macam-macam lagi.

until that one night, the moment i am very scared of, came and hit me with real hard.

tokbak pergi.

malam tu, aku mengongoi nangis dengan sendu yang ditahan-tahan.

aku tak dapat balik malaysia because i was in the middle of winter trip with my two girlfriends. besides, school was about to start again and there would be no point of coming back home. what more, savings aku tak banyak untuk book a ticket since i spent most of it for my winter trip.

sampai sekarang, aku agak terkilan tak dapat nak tengok tokbak for the last time. terkadang, aku menyoal - kenapa tokbak tak tunggu in? bukannya lama. lepas winter, spring and then summer. summer kan in balik malaysia. 

kalau duduk berdua dengan abah atau tokmak, aku suka bicarakan soal tokbak - just to reminisce about him. and when i went too far, soalan-soalan berbaur menidakkan takdir just slipped out. abah tak marah aku pun sebab dia tahu, aku sedang menelan pedih. 

sebaliknya, abah katakan, "mungkin kalau tokbak tunggu in, dia akan lagi sakit"

of course aku tak nak tokbak rasa macam tu. lalu, apa je yang aku mampu buat?

al-fatihah.

i knew this day would come

"In ada best friend?" tanya Kak Ika - kakak yang merangkap ipar sejak tiga minggu lepas.

kobis - potong halus.

lobak - hiris separa tebal.

bunga kobis - potong dadu (kalau boleh)

"sawi ada tak?", aku balaskan dengan soalan lain.

Kak Ika jenguk peti sejuk.

aku ikut dari belakang dan menjingkit.

tak ada.

hmm...takpe lah.

"In takde best friend. takkan pernah ada", aku jawab penuh jujur.

sayur tadi aku rebus.

garam dicubit sikit.

kaki ke sinki balik.

"then, you ada good friend?"

"em..haah...any friend of mine, In declare good friend je. tak kisah la laki ke perempuan"

***

hakikatnya, definisi best friend yang aku ciptakan terlalu perfect untuk diisikan seorang manusia.
ala, aku sendiri bukanlah best friend terhadap diri aku. terlalu banyak yang aku tancapkan selumbar pada jasad dan soul ini hinggakan ke satu tahap - aku ada masalah untuk memaafkan diri.

"you need to forgive yourself, Fara. give a permission to yourself"

"i can't, Val. i just, can't..."

"ok, then...should i give you my permission?"

mata aku direct menusuk wajah Val.

"yes, i'll give you my permission. i'll forgive you"

Val cuba convince aku. aku menarik sedikit garis yang melengkungkan bibir. sekali lagi, Selasa aku berakhir dengan endless questions that keep banging my head. perlahan, kaki aku diseret oleh jiwa yang meribut. seakan keduanya telah dirantai dengan bebola besi gedabak lalu membuat aku seolah-olah berjalan ke hadapan di atas escalator yang menurun.
sukar - itu yang pasti.

setiap hari, bilamana aku menilik parut di lengan, ianya tak lain tak bukan - hanya menaikkan paras sesal dan volume marah aku. setiap kali itu lah, aku memaki diri dan berlanjutan menyalahkan segala apa yang berlaku.

jadik, kalau aku sendiri punya masalah menjadik sahabat pada seorang aku, bagaimana seorang yang lain mampu mengisi kekosongan title best friend itu?

exactly

selasa bersama Val #32

"what do you like to do, Fara?"

salah satu soalan Val masa awal-awal kami bertemu empat mata, yakni pada hari selasa aku datang ke bilik dia. selasa yang bakal mengubah hidup aku. selasa yang pertama.

"i like arts"

"oh? that's nice. what kind of arts?"

"em...i like to draw...sometimes i like to do some handcrafts"

"so--"

"but, i stop doing those things...i don't do arts anymore"

"why...?"

mata aku terkalih ke dinding belakang Val. hakikatnya, aku tak mahu lagi bertentang mata dengan Val. aku tak nak dia tahu yang soalan "why" itu sebenarnya membukak pedih aku.

***

aku hantarkan salah satu hasil seni pada dia. gembira - itu yang aku ingat. begitu excited nak tunjuk pada kekasih hati yang aku ni seorang artis dalam dunia kecil ciptaan sendiri.

whatsapp berbalas.

"banyak nya masa you. macam kanak-kanak" - dia.

seperti dilambung tinggi dan terderai di lantai - gitu lah rasanya bilamana orang yang aku sayangkan (ketika itu) meranap saki-baki semangat aku untuk menghadap hari-hari esok.

***

"why Fara...?", suara Val mengetuk layar memori lama.

mata aku kembali berpusat pada Val. perlahan, aku mengatur ayat dan meluahkan bahawasanya orang-orang seperti kekasih hati itu telahpun memadamkan nafsu berahi aku untuk berkarya. betul - bukan dia seorang saja yang menyerang sendi jiwa seni aku. ada lagi yang melaku-sama. aku give up, senang cerita.

"ok, do you mind if i give you a homework?"

aku angkat kening.

Morrie Schwartz pernah kasi homework pada Mitch Albom ke?

"what is it?"

"today, i would like you to draw"

"drawing what?"

"anything", Val tersenyum.

ah, senyuman apa tu?!

"anything?"

"yes, anything"

"it doesn't matter whether it's a sad one or a happy one?"

"doesn't matter. you can draw anything you like and i want you to show to me the next tuesday"

***

homework pertama

seorang aku, kata Val, telah diluahkan dalam sebuah lukisan di atas. gadis itu adalah aku. seorang yang cantik di luar tapi berbirat di dalam. kalau dibanding-banding sisi kiri dan kanan, dia tahu yang aku sedang sakit. mata yang tertutup dengan titisan yang hadir. bibir yang hitam dan sedang melurut jatuh serta urai rambut yang kusut, tak bersikat. tak ada sinar, what a shame.
tambah Val, dia mahu sisi kanan gadis itu terhadir semula - yang matanya adalah galak dan ceria, bibir merah yang tersenyum dan rambut yang disisir elok bersama reben. dia yakin yang sisi kanan gadis masih lagi bernyawa. cumanya - gadis perlukan jalan pulang.

maka, langkah pertama gadis - seni.

awal-awal kerja rumah aku bertemakan sedih.
bukan Val yang tetapkan. malah, bukan aku sendiri.
cuma, tangan aku yang menarikan rentak ni.

terkadang, aku cuma mahu bermain dengan warna.
sebab effort mewarna sedikit kurang daripada melukis + mewarna.

kebetulan, aku kena buat presentation tentang praktikum di Auckland.
orang lain guna PowerPoint, aku je yang pakai document camera dan
lukisan-lukisan aku.

aku beralih ke satu level yang lain - mewarna atas kanvas.

kemudian, aku cuba melukis dan mewarna atas kanvas.
tak lama lepas tu, aku belajar buat kraft atas kanvas.

daripada fasa me-layu, tangan aku rupanya mula menarikan rentak lain.
stroke aku berjinak menggariskan senyuman pada watak-watak.

tapi, hari tak selalunya cerah. rasa pedih tetap ada.
and it's ok to feel that way.

empat lukisan ni, tidak lagi bercerita tentang aku sahaja.
ianya lebih kepada tentang hubungan baru aku.

hari selasa terakhir bersama Val, aku hadiahkan ini.

#selftherapy

#selftherapyproject

#tuesdaywithVal

yang merangkumkan hidup aku sehingga dipertemukan Doreen, Irene dan Val

berharap kembali

perkara pertama yang aku lakukan dalam sesi taaruf kami, aku bukakan pintu kepada dia tentang depresi aku. 

segalanya.

tanpa berselindung satu apa pun.

aku nekad kali ni.

"tokmak, siapa nak jadikan in ni istri dia kalau in dah sakit macam ni?"

well, dia adalah seorang yang umi pinangkan.

steady kan umi aku?

haha (gelak hambar)

dalam sopan di akhir kata aku - ketika sesi taaruf itu - aku berikan kata dua padanya,

"you can back off now from this marriage plan. it's never too late pun"

guess what?

***

umi dan dia, sama-sama pusing dengan aku. kenapa nak taaruf lagi? setiap hari nak taaruf ke? tak habis-habis lagi?

"kalau dah selalu taaruf, nanti lepas kawin, dah takde apa nak ditaarufkan lagi"

kata umi.

aku senyum di hujung bibir.

betul jugak tu. err..separa betul, maksud aku. dia sendiri pun setuju. khuatir, selepas melangkah ke pintu gerbang berdua sama, tak ada lagi kejutan daripada masing-masing. aku kurang percaya tentang kerisauan sebegitu. if we meant for this love marriage, i'll do my best to spark every moment we spend together. 

"jujur, aku takde feeling pun dengan kau. 

tapi, mungkin lepas nikah, the feeling can be developed. 

who knows kan?"

biar telus sekarang. jangan nanti-nanti. dia pun ikut rentak seiring dengan aku. direct - never hide anything else. dan boleh dikatakan, setiap hari kami cuba mengenali satu sama lain. 

perkenalan 17 tahun yang dulu, tak sama dengan perkenalan dua minggu yang lepas. iya, umi pinangkan dia - my childhood friend. 

dan putik-putik pengharapan kembali menumbuh di ranting kehidupan aku.

"sayang, let's pray for both of us ya?"

- kata dia.

dan di benak ini, berkali-kali layar pendarahan diputar - aku seorang pembunuh.

jijik sungguh gaya kau memperlekehkan seorang aku. pada mata kau, aku mungkin seorang budak berketinggian empat kaki sembilan inci, berbaju t-shirt dan ber-seluar jeans, ber-sneakers dan memasang headphone yang tak lekang dari telinga, memakai beg sandang dan kelihatan seperti pelajar hingusan tingkatan empat. iya, aku memang tampak JAUH lebih muda daripada usia sebenar aku. tapi tak bermakna aku berfikiran singkat. berkali sudah aku diajar Sheryll - you are an adult, act like an adult. bukan setakat Sheryll, my medical team seperti Val dan Dr. Doreen jugak tak putus-putus mengingatkan aku bahawasanya aku seorang dewasa. maka, untuk aku berkelakuan dewasa, aku dididik dan dilayan sedewasanya.

bukan seperti kau.

sungguh, kau ironi. bercanang dengan pekikan kau yang mahukan generasi kini bersifat matang tapi kau sendiri - iya, KAU SENDIRI, langsung tak menganggap aku seperti seorang dewasa. kau tolol. kau cetek. kau adalah tin kosong semata. hormat aku pada kau sudah lama melesap. se-lama aku perhatikan penjagaan waktu kau.

pernah kau membaca suara Tuhan ;

wal asr. innal insana lafi khusr. illalladhiina amanu wa aamilus swalihati watawa sawbil haqqi, watawa sawbis sabr.

by time, indeed, mankind is in loss, except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.

hormat aku pada manusia, mudah. sebagaimana dia menjaga waktu dia dan waktu para hamba Tuhan, sebagaimana itu lah aku akan menjaga hormat aku terhadap dia.

tapi, dah kalau kau buat aku menunggu kau selama satu  jam, mendengar syarahan kau yang tah pape dan menyaksi pemanipulasian fakta-fakta oleh lidah cabang kau yang durjana, kau fikir aku mahu menghormati kau lagi? 

celaka lah kau di dunia.

takkan aku tunduk pada kuasa kau.

sebab kau bukan Tuhan.

dan aku bukan hamba duit kau.

ok?

mudah untuk kau bicara

bagaimana untuk aku mulakan?

ok, hari 'istimewa' aku telah disumpah dengan amukan aku sendiri. di dalam bilik. ketika aku keseorangan. 

begini --

aku membuat panggilan jauh pagi tu. dan seiring dengan not-not dial, aku menggantungkan harapan berbaur kebahagiaan. empat kali aku menekan nombor yang sama. langsung tak diangkat, hinggalah aku menerima pesanan ringkas tidak lama kemudian. aku balaskan pesanan tersebut dengan panggilan jauh sekali lagi. 

bersahut.

aku tarik segaris senyuman.

tapi, siapa sangka, panggilan yang tak lebih daripada sepuluh minit itu disusuli dengan tangis raung aku. bermula dengan deraian air mata, perlahan, ia menjadi esakan yang menderaskan titis-titis lalu membasahkan setiap raut kertas kulit kitab.

my heart started to ache.

petanda serangan bakal mengambil alih sekejap lagi kalau-kalau aku tak mampu mengawal fasa pertama. mata terus menganak anak sungai kecil pada setiap bebolanya dan elok ia menyusur jatuh permukaan epidermis. entah kenapa, suara Val tiba-tiba diputarkan akal. 

buku.

bibir menyebut. dan sekelip, aku praktiskan teknik kawalan diri yang terlintas.

tapi,

aku terlupa satu perkata penting.

fasa pertama - nafas.

aturan nafas yang berkecamuk, kalau tak dicermat, pasti menggagalkan apa-apa di hadapan.

jelas, benar.

tahu-tahu saja, buku aku dihempas ke dinding bilik. fail dicampak ganas. kertas dirakus koyak. kotak ditendang kasar. lampu bergoyang, langsung, hampir terjatuh. dan pena yang digenggam, dihentak matanya. 

berselerakan.

sepertinya,

tak terbendung sakit di dada.

tak tertahan sakit di hati.

bagaikan dihenyak, dipijak, disentak, diragut, direjam.

haih.

selamat hari lahir, wahai aku.

pertempuran akal dan emosi sememangnya hellish disaster.

kan?

when a person asked me,  what do i want on my birthday,
i simply answered -
"happiness"

***

mudah untuk manusia-manusia sekeliling mengajar aku tentang perkara-perkara yang digemar si Raqib. nasihat-nasihat yang mengalir deras dari bibir itu, seolah-olah sangat gampang dilaksana.

"kau kena faham"

"kau kena belajar terima"

"kau kena bersangka baik"

"kau kena pikir dulu"

sungguh - senang untuk kau panculkan dogma-dogma kau. dan lidah itu, bertulangkan kata-kata malaikat, hanyalah instrumen kecil untuk kau mengangkat darjat agar tampak jauh lebih molek daripada aku.

ya kan?

ah, aku sedar, betapa i AM a damaged person. tapi, untuk sesaat cuma, aku mohon kau susurlah celahan rongga-rongga sepatu aku. 

dan rasakan apa yang aku tarungkan sehari-hari. 

HARAPAN.

terlalu tolol untuk kau fahamkan mekanisme pertarungan jiwa dan jasad seorang aku. sebab, bagi aku, only the cutters know what the cutters feel. and you can never beat my words, unless you are part of us.

takpe lah.

akan tiba, satu saat nanti, andai direzekikan kau untuk merasa apa yang aku deskripsikan di sini, aku harap kau menyesal dengan ideologi yang cuba kau suntikkan ke dalam salur darah seorang cutter.

hello, stranger

kalau lah awak ada depan mata saya sekarang ni, ada seribu satu kata saya nak bagitahu awak. saya nak awak tahu perasaan saya yang ditahan-tahan selama ni. marah, geram, benci, sayu, rindu, pedih - semua. semuanya saya nak bagitahu awak. dan kalau rasa ini diterjemahkan dalam kepala imginasi saya, betapa unbeliavable untuk awak ketahuinya. ye lah, saya membayangkan awak -- saya hamparkan dikayu pacak seperti Jesus disalibkan umatnya. kemudian, perkara pertama sekali saya buat ialah mencabut setiap satu kuku jari tangan awak dengan playar muncung tirus. SATU. SATU. mesti awak menjerit sakit, bukan? saya pulak akan mengekeh ketawa dan terus mencabut lagi. kali ni, saya beralih ke kuku jari kaki awak. kalau ketika itu awak berterusan menjerit, mungkin saja saya tampar bibir awak sampai darah tersembur keluar. iya, saya sesah pipi awak hinggakan gigi awak bersepai dan membiarkan darah segar meleleh dari gusi itu. lepas tu, saya akan tarik rambut awak sampai kepala awak terngadah ke langit.

kalau lah awak ada depan mata saya sekarang ni.

tapi awak tak ada. dan kita sudah menjadik strangers. patut, saya salahkan siapa atas hal kita berdua? 

saya? awak? jarak kita? kesibukan kita? hidup rantau saya? hidup kerja awak? 

apa?

terkadang saya memikirkan apa salah saya hinggakan kita berantakan sedikit demi sedikit. 

saya gemuk? saya semi-vegetarian? saya kidal? saya pakai outfit pumpkin patch bersaiz budak sebelas tahun? saya punya masalah jiwa? saya ada ketagihan?

apa?

awak tak tahu betapa saya teringin menggoncangkan kedua bahu awak dan terus-menerus menanya semua soalan ini supaya jawapan awak itu (mungkin) dapat melegakan saya.

well, you  might blurt out the answers which i claim them to be merely excuses. they're never reasons.

never be.

it's funny, you know. as a quote once wrote "we all start as strangers, but we often forget that we choose who ends up a stranger too".

saya tak benci pun awak. kenapa pulak nak membenci. kita kan bermula sebagai strangers yang tak punya rasa apa-apa. i never hate you, seriously. cuma, saya marah dengan keadaan kita sekarang ni. you came into my life. i stupidly let you in. you learned my darkest little secrets (well, i thought it would no harm to do so and now i'm damn regretting). we created our sweet memories. and...yeah.

you promised me a lot of things, dearest stranger. but you never keep them. you should know that "promises mean everything, but after they are broken, sorry means nothing". ah, betapa saya terlalu bangang mempercayakan setiap kata awak ketika itu. 

tapi, sekarang -

[ tarik nafas ]

saya tak akan ucapkan harapan klise berbaur "saya harap awak menjumpai kebahagian awak"

ptuih.

awak pikir saya gadis innocent-hati-suci ke?

bagi saya, adalah lebih baik awak lenyap dari muka bumi - dilanggar mati oleh fire truck seems to be a great idea. bukan apa, saya tak mahu gadis lain dipertemukan awak dan kemudian, a repetition of a heartbroken happens again.

malas la weh.

yes, you can break my heart. 

it's ok.

but it won't be ok if you break others.

semoga awak mati kena langgar, stranger.