homework

Hi. 

It's Sunday today. And my stupid school is having a programme which I'm supposed to attend to. But, it's Sunday guys. People don't go to work on Sundays, unless you run a business. So, I told myself, I won't go to the programme. Besides, it's fucking bullshit. People here just seek for attention - by all means, it's public attention. For God's sake, you don't have to call out media to publicize your kindness. If you want to give tuition to those needy kids, come on, just do it. Keep it low and that's it. Why the hell you need to make it all gaga and ask everyone else in this school to join your parade?

MORON.

Anyway.

I'm currently half way through Dr. Aishah's homework. It was the ninth therapy session  I went to. And for each session, she proposed me new ideas to think about. Or, reflect. So, yeah. Doing her homework is actually to reflect on everything. It's never easy to do it, you know. A brain surgeon has to dissect each part of your brain without making a slight mistake. While a psychiatrist, s/he has to untangle your hay-wired brain without even touch it. It must be very difficult for them. But, it's harder for me.  

I can't forgive myself.

Up until now.

Though Val forgave me for whatever shits I did - attempting suicide twice, overdosing multiple pills, self-harming, throwing things away in room, starving for hours, fucking up my job - I still can't.

 I just can't.

As Gregory House once said,

"dying is easy. living is hard"

m.e.i

It is clearly well-known that disclosing about mental sickness is such a taboo especially in our malay society. I myself am still battling with stigmatization as I have faced it for quite some time. I must say that most people judge me in so many ways, to a point it hurts my emotions. Yet, God does have His mercy on me - I am lucky enough to be surrounded by those people who want to help me, or at least, try to understand my sickness.

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BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder is marked by extremes in emotionality, most notably affecting social relationships with loved ones and in the workplace. Emotional dysregulation, self-harm, depression and suicidality — these are the markers of BPD, a deeply challenging disorder for both sufferers and loved ones. BPD is the third leading killer of women aged 15 to 24, and one out of 10 adults with BPD die by suicide.

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As for now, I do think I'm making a progress in my therapy although of course, at times, I have my own melt down and my mind explodes out of craziness.

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Besides having an intention to spread this mental awareness, I merely want to express my gratitude of having my family and friends who would stick around me. Thank you :')

myCupOfTea

kenapa myCupOfTea?

baru tadi aku google asal-usul frasa myCupOfTea. ouh, by the way, abang aku pernah cakap - setiap peribahasa ada jalan ceritanya. manusia tak senang-senang cipta macam tu je - ting! terus keluar peribahasa. no, no. it doesn't work that way.

"There are a large amount of different drinks available on the earth today, and many people have a preference as to what they drink. One of the more common beverages people consume is tea. In fact, tea is considered to be the most widely consumed beverage in the world next to water. Indeed, tea is a widely known drink that is enjoyed by millions of people. Thus, the idea for this phrase is that when someone or something is to a person's liking, they liken it to a cup of tea" [sumber]

so.

kenapa myCupOfTea?

sebab aku suka dia. suka tengok gaya dia, cara dia, watak dia. suka lah. tapi, seperti yang pernah aku jujurkan pada dia jua, suka tu belum cecah tahap cinta. masih merangkak-rangkak. dan dia pun bertatih lagi - kata dia lahhh. mungkin satu hari nanti, kami berdua akan jatuh cinta (insyaAllah). for the time being, aku mengikut arus. sepertinya, takdir menuliskan yang dia pemilik tulang rusuk aku. 

macam kebanyakan orang lain, kakak aku pernah tanya (ketika kami dalam kereta, baru sudah hantar umi abah tunaikan umrah) - "apa yang buat kau suka pada dia eh?"

aku termenung sekejap. 

kenapa eh?

ikutkan, rata-rata orang sekeliling aku (terutama tesl girls) tahu betapa kisah cinta aku is one kind of hell. aku mendamping rasa cinta sejak zaman kolej mara seremban lagi. patah hati toksah cakap lah. BERKALI. and my problem is always to have difficulty in moving on and getting back on my feet. azabnya la haih. to a point, aku rasa kecewa dan aku patut berhenti menyeksa jiwa raga aku. i have to be selfish, somehow.

jadik, untuk menjawab persoalan kakak, aku katakan yang aku rasa senang dengan dia. senang, as in, aku ok dengan dia. dia buat aku rasa selamat dan tenang. well, aku kan jenis panik-tak-tentu-hala. kalau diberi situasi cemas, aku mungkin dah lari lintangpukang macam orang gila. while him? sedamai kau tengok bukit hijau laksana saujana mata memandang, sebegitu lah dia. cool af.

and that's why people say - to get married is to complement each other.

seperti yang aku katakan tadi, kami berdua adalah dua manusia yang baru nak kenal hati budi. we're getting there (insyaAllah). but how do we end up to have a mutual agreement which led us to this engagement?

nanti aku cerita.

stay tuned.

for many years to come

d r e a m

janji perempuan

pada satu hari.

pada satu pagi, sebenarnya. ketika dalam perjalanan menuju ke bangi, tapi menyinggah ipoh sekejap, dari pengkalan hulu - satu ceruk tempat yang aku tercampak oleh takdir. dulu, nama pengkalan hulu - kroh. dulu. cerita dulu-dulu.

di hujung corong talian, suara perempuan sayu ditangkap aku. aku kenal nama dia bilamana dia menyebut. cuba memperkenalkan diri, tapi, ye lah, introduction-nya sekadar...introduction. aku kenal dia walau tak pernah berjumpa. tak diberi kesempatan lagi, secara tepatnya. dia tanya, aku kat mana. aku terpaksa pusing stereng. berikan signal kiri. tukar gear. tarik hand break. mengawal suara. bersandar. dan menyambung bicara.

- saya di hospital - emergency department.

+ ye, saya tahu.

- awak tahu?

+ malam tadi saya dapat panggilan daripada hospital.

- ouh...

that ouh. a tone of frustration, i would say. it's supposed to be her they contacted first. not me. never will be me. how foolish i was to disclose bits of truth. but, thing's happened. might as well go with the flow. once, and for all. 

aku mendengar butir kata dia. setekun yang aku mampu. segagah yang aku ciptakan. selarat yang aku terdaya. dia tanya lagi, apakah boleh kami dua bertemu - eyes to eyes. kepala aku bingung sekejap. aku - - aku dalam perjalanan menuju ke bangi, tapi menyinggah ipoh sekejap, dari pengkalan hulu - satu ceruk tempat yang aku tercampak oleh takdir.

esak dia semakin jelas. god. what have i done to this woman? what was i thinking? what kind of person i am? 

angina crept my bosom, taking its place as usual. i started to feel the intensity. oh shit. not now, please. 

- i know this sounds stupid tapi saya nak get back together. saya masih cintakan dia.

+ tak...tu bukan stupid. that's the best decision you could ever make. 

- tapi saya insecure. saya tahu saya ada kurang sana sini.

+ tak...tak...awak tak perlu rasa macam tu.

- saya kena tahu if there's a possibility dia - -

+ dengar sini. kalau awak nak get back together, do it. jangan risaukan apa-apa. 

+ fikirkan anak awak. kesian. anak tu tak bersalah. think about her!

- tapi, kalau saya put an effort selepas ni, and somehow dia masih cintakan - -

she cried. i froze.

but of all i know, i need to help her. even if i have to sacrifice. 

it's just enough that i have listened to too many cries from women for the past few years. they pierce my skin, envenom my blood, cripple my limbs and parch my zest. 

god does not create women for them to cry out of misery.  

+ i'm going away. far enough from your family. i'll be gone for good.

satu janji aku ciptakan.

demi dia, seorang perempuan.

daripada aku, seorang perempuan.

talian diputuskan selepas dia memberi salam. aku harap, segalanya baik-baik di sana.

kereta dipacu kembali. berikan signal kanan. tukar gear. turun hand break. tekan pedal minyak.

kuat.

laju.

rakus.

"FARAHIN !"

ketika dalam perjalanan menuju ke bangi, tapi menyinggah ipoh sekejap, dari pengkalan hulu - satu ceruk tempat yang aku tercampak oleh takdir. alam telah menyaksikan raung aku. sepertinya, Tuhan telah ciptakan aku semata untuk merasa pedih.

angina is such a pure demon.