cerita tentang rindu 4

abah is away. an is missing in action. kakak has left. mohd is freaking busy with his stuff. fahd is back to school.

technically, i'm living with umi right now. mostly, i'm all alone. and literally, i damn feel lonely.
we both kinda living as rorie and lorelai. but the roles played are only on the surface, because umi has her own world. and that goes with me too. so, we are not totally R and L. we rarely talk to each other except at the kitchen, at dining hall and in car.

she goes to work in the morning and by that time, i have only started my day - grab my towel, head to the bathroom, wash my face and brush my teeth. then, i get my laptop, sit in front of it, swing the cursor to the facebook tab, check on my farmville and lastly, click on bawangmerah's folder that stores my music. this house which i call home, is deadly silent. though at first i hooray with the atmosphere, i come to realize that it begins to killing me softly. i hate it. so, i try to cheer up myself - listen to mizz nina featuring colby o donis loudly and sing along with it till i feel like the home is shaking for an earthquake at six scale. my neighbours probably have to be patient with that.

yet, i feel the darkness of being alone. why does everybody is disappearing? i ask the other half of me, and she barks me - this isn't a new to you because you have always been alone. so, why the hell you're asking me a stupid question?!

i'm speechless. my tongue rolls backward, i lost my words for a few second.
but then, hey, i try to rewind everything and pop a question to myself (not to the other half of me) - am i that all alone?

somehow the question shoots another half of me (who always be the positive one. you can say, she's the angel in my body)
she firmly replies -
no.
you always have kakak by your side, kak ayin with her advises, abah with his strength, umi with her love and people out there who continuously hold out their hands whenever you need them. you're not alone.

--

really?
being sceptical, i ask.
but why do i still feel there's a hole in my heart which can never be filled with anything?
it seems that there's a dissatisfaction grows inside of me.

--

i'm done.
i stand on my feet back, leave solely my laptop on the table, start doing chores and shut everything that i've said.

whatever.

i think i'm missing this home to be crowded again