inspired by mr. bennington

my school is sucks. and i hate it so much.

if ever people say "hey, have a nice day", you tell me - how am i supposed to get that nice day if i'm currently living in a hell?

i still can't believe i'm breathing here, in this deep shit hole. until now, i still ask him, when is he going to kill me. and his answer is always "when we are together". oh, come on. that won't happen. i know that for sure. his idea is that - we get together and if he can't stand with my BPD illness, he's going to take away my life and then, he'll kill himself. the end.

i can't do the suicidal act anymore 'cause i don't own my stash. all my pills were taken by my housemate.

cutting?

it's not even on the list 'cause i don't own any blades either. all i have with me is my rubber band. rubber band is ok - that's what is given by my auckland medical team members. but knife, or blade, or razor is totally a no-no.

i'm fine with the rubber band. in fact, i feel satisfied whenever i pull it so hard that it hurts my skin. good thing, it gives me more or less the same pain when i did cutting. except, now, there's no blood scattering around the floor.

alright.

so, i don't have the stash.

i don't have the sharp tools.

all i have is nothing. i'm a bit jealous with him 'cause he gets his phentermine to curb his appetite. i wish i could have the same thing too :(

anyway. because of those shits reasons that put me into here, i decided to starve myself. i told him, perhaps starvation could lead me to death. he laughed. he said, no, it won't do as long as you keep being hydrated.

i don't believe in him.

the first day i restricted myself, it was nothing new. well, i did starve back in auckland. therefore, doing it all over again is nothing peculiar. only that, i felt a bit tired that i had to go back home and lied myself on bed - doing nothing. it was challenging enough. my tummy felt kind of sting. so i gobbled up some popcorn and ended them with water. it relieved me. then i led my day as usual. if ever i felt awful again, i took the popcorn and munched bits by bits with water. most of the time, i only drank water to keep me sane.

i went to bed with empty stomach actually. that night, i was awaken by the pain at the abdomen. i knew i needed to eat. i sat straight, grabbed some popcorn and ate it until i was ok.

the next morning, i went to school without any food. i kept myself busy. classes after classes until i forgot i needed to feed the tummy. i went back home, restlessly. one thing for sure, i just had to distract myself by closing my eyes and sleep. i did it. and it worked.

today is the third day of my starvation. i still depend on popcorn and water. plus, several kuih raya and love letters. but, like i said, most of the time, i'm going to drink lots of water. it's zero calories. so, it's good.

i haven't looked skinny. thus, i think, it's ok. people won't notice what i'm currently doing. all i have to say to them "i'm eating, don't worry. i'm ok. everything's under control"

let's hope i shall make it till the last breath of mine :')