lose it!

My next psychotherapy is going to be on 21st August 2017 (Monday) and having said that, I'm going to be MCed by my therapist, Dr. Aishah.

I don't know what to expect from her. But, one thing for sure, I know I'm not ok. Why?

Because I'm having this idea of killing myself in my head, over and over again. I'd like to do an experiment - living without food. Or, we call it 'starvation'. So far, the experiment is a bit failure. I still consume food, but not in my usual amount. I restrict myself extremely so that I can feel the pain of hunger. I read about how starvation works on killing a person (read here). It's brilliant, I would say.

Anyway,

My previous weigh was 46kg (it was during Eid celebration). And now my weight drops to 43.7kg. It's an achievement, don't you think?

I'm gonna hit until 40kg and if I could reach it, it won't be impossible to stretch further till 35kg.

They say human can survive for two weeks without food. But s/he can't survive after three days without water. In relation to that, I also limit myself from drinking water. At first, it was quite miserable to only drink once or twice per day. But, as my body starts to get used to the new 'routine' I think I'm ok. I still can walk, run, teach, talk and laugh with people in my surrounding. I still can move my ass off from the bed and perform my pointless daily life. 

I STILL AM HERE.

I know this suicidal act is a slow process. But I'm getting there, eventually.

Someday, somehow, I really hope that on one fine day, I won't wake up from my bed anymore.